1 August 1988 Monday
I think I stayed in the apartment all day
cleaning and picking up the place until I went up to the PIE for pizza near the University as a last function for the
1988 Steering Committee of Beyond Stonewall. Mike Buck was our accountant, John
Reeves the Director, Randy Olsen was the rides coordinator, Chuck Whyte and
Eric Christensen were the publicists, James Connelley was facility coordinator,
and Mark Lamar and I were the workshop coordinators. Eric and Mark were the
only ones who didn’t attend for Pizza and our last meeting.
Later
in the evening I called Steve Barker from Ogden. We talked on the phone for 45
minutes but then had to make another call. He called me back and all in all we
talked on the phone from 9:30 until 2 in the morning. He said that he knew Billy Bikowski and had
even set him up on a date with one of Steve’s old flames. He said the date was
a disaster because they were both so alike with their hang-ups. He
did not think that highly of Billy. I can’t be objective however when it comes
to him. Steve had just broken up with Pedro Vacaflores so he was kind of blue.
I
really enjoyed talking with Steve and the time just seemed to slip away. I
don’t know why but I feel drawn to Steve but not necessarily in a romantic way.
He knew Clair Harward, really well, the Mormon boy who died of AIDS in Ogden
after being excommunicated. How he was treated was a powerful force in my
leaving the Mormon Church and coming out of the closet.
2 August 1988 Tuesday
There were summer thunderstorms today. It is
the first really wet day in months. It sure helped cool things off.
I am so poor. I went
to the Crossroad Urban center to get some food. That was a humbling experience. Chuck Whyte who works for the Citizen
Congress sure has come through for me with groceries from Crossroads’ food
bank.
But I have a job
interview tomorrow at 11 in the morning in Davis County. I don’t know why I
bother. I’m not going to get hired but if I don’t go, it’s a foregone bet I won’t get hired.
Later I went to the
central library to write up my history column for the Triangle. I am writing
about Oscar Wilde.
At Unconditional
Support tonight we had a large turnout especially of people who had been to
Beyond Stonewall. We basically shared our collective experiences and the
meeting was very powerful. It was probably one of our better meetings. Eric
Christensen was at the meeting tonight and it was good to see him looking well
after having been in the hospital.
Afterwards we went to
Dee’s for coffee. I was sad to hear Ken Francis say he may be leaving for
California because he’s depressed that James Zurkel the twit, who had been
leaving with him, has left him again.
I tried calling Steve
Barker three times this evening but he was never home.
John Reeves and I need to get together this
week to talk about Beyond Stonewall ’89. I always want Beyond Stonewall to have
as its theme “Liberating the Captives and Binding Up The Broken Hearted.”
3 August 1988 Wednesday
What
a bizarre day. Randy Olson took me to Farmington where I had an interview with Mr.
Olearain, the principal from Sunset Elementary. I think it was a good interview
but I have been so disappointed about the three other interviews that I thought
I did well on. So I am not optimistic about getting a teaching contract this
year.
Steve
Barker picked me up after the interview because Randy couldn’t stay and he took
me up to Ogden where he treated me to lunch at the Ben Lomond Hotel downtown. I
think it might be a Radisson Hotel now. Anyway after lunch we went to Steve’s
house and visited, getting to know each other better. We talked a lot about
Billy Bikowski and how bizarre and compartmentalize he is. He’s like a
completely different person who ever he is with.
Also
I think I know now what really happened on his mission that caused him to have
a nervous breakdown in Uruguay . From what Billy confided in Steve and from the
little he told me, I think that while Billy was staying at these people’s home
in Uruguay, he flirted or charmed the daughter of the family who wanted him to
sleep with her. It’s likely that Billy may have tried and with all his hang ups
on sex and masculinity he felt too guilty and couldn’t screw her. However she
was in love with him and kept after him for sex. His failure to perform
probably caused him to have a mental collapse and after confessing was sent
home. I think this will be the closest I will ever come to the truth.
Anyway
Steve asked me if I would go to the show with him and we went down to Salt Lake
City to Cinema In Your Face on Broadway. There we saw an art film called “Aria”
which was an anthology film of ten short films by ten different directors. It
was interesting. The film was entered into the 1987 Cannes Film Festival.
Steve’s mentally challenged uncle Darryl and his 17 year old son Spencer who is
Gay, along with Spencer’s 17 year old friend Jeff Sewell went with us.
Jeff is this red headed nice guy and seems really
special. Jeff is sweet, bright, clever, handsome, charming, and sexy and really
mature for his age. He will turn 18 in September. He’s into computers and
dinosaurs and had attended Beyond Stonewall last weekend with Steve and
Spencer.
After
the show we all came back to my place to visit. However Spencer left to take
his father home but Steve and Jeff spent the night as we had stayed up so late
talking. We spent much of the time discussing whether Spencer has gotten
himself involved with an older “chicken
hawk”.
Anyway
I let Jeff sleep on the couch while Steve and I slept on the carpet but I slept
closest to Jeff. He evidently was attracted to me and reached for my hand. I
let him hold it but then he tugged me up on the couch with him and we kissed for most of the night while Steve slept
soundly. It could be so easy to fall in
love with Jeff even with the major age differences between us.
Earlier
in the evening, Steve had offered to take me back to Texas on a road trip to
see my folks. He said he’d pay off the expenses but I’m not sure if I want to
deal with the under line, unstated obligations I might feel. I really like Steve and all but the chemistry
between us is just not the same as I now feel for Jeff.
4 August 1988 Thursday-
Jeff Sewell and Steve Barker left this morning
to head back to Ogden on the bus. It was so sweet snuggling and kissing Jeff’s
sensual lips. We had held hands almost all night long and nothing more. However I was so tired that after they left,
I went to bed and slept in until noon and then I just stayed in love struck
daze for most of the day.
In the evening I went
to The Gay and Lesbian Community Council where I was a rabble rouser. I put
forth the motion that we educate the politicians of this community and state
about our issues. Greg Stanger was my main adversary throughout the meeting
saying that the council should not be political at all. I said that if we pretend to leaders here,
then we need to lead and take the risks to keep Gay Liberation alive in Utah.
As far as I know this is the first time the word Gay Liberation has been used
in the council.
5 August 1988 Friday-
Jack Olearain, the Principal from Sunset
Elementary called me at 1:30 this
afternoon and offered a job teaching 6th grade in the Davis County
School District. He said he was impressed with my interview when I said “No one
cares how much you know until they know how much your care.” He will send me
the district forms in the mail so I can start orientation for new teachers on
the 23rd. I am ecstatic. I
can’t believe it. It’s not just getting a job but being hired is the
culmination of a process I started at BYU 12 years ago. I still can hardly believe it that I finally
can begin a career.
Dave
Reed was over at the apartment visiting about what is going on with him when I
received the phone call. He said he had just quit his 3rd grade
elementary teaching job this year. He said he was burned out after 16 years.
He
also said that he saw Billy Bikowski a couple of weeks ago and they talked
about me. Billy said that he was beginning
to feel something for me. Well that’s fine and dandy but a little too late.
I’ve even changed the name of my cat from Billy to Willy.
Since I was hired
today I’ve decided to go back to Texas with Steve Barker after all. We will
leave out tomorrow. Mark Lamar also dropped by. He said that he would feed “Willy” for me while
I’m gone.
Later
I called Tom and Jean Horan, our old neighbors, to see if Mom and Dad were
there but they weren’t so I guess they are already on their way to Texas. I did
call my Aunt Pauline Johnson and told her I probably will be coming back for a
visit.
In
the evening, John and I distributed Triangle Magazines in all the bars and in
the Club 14 bathhouse. While we were about and about I saw some guys who were
at Beyond Stonewall a the In-Between and it’s like we have this rapport now.
Strange it was just a week ago that we were all sitting around a
campfire listening to Dr. Patty Reagan regale us with tales about our Gay
heritage.
Jeff Sewell was going
to come down from Ogden to spend the night with me but he later called and said
that Derek Streeter had called him and had asked him to go up to Park City for
the Art Fair. Derek said he’d pick Jeff up tomorrow from Ogden to take him so he
stayed in Ogden. So I guess Jeff decided
to do that rather than be with me. I
miss being with Jeff and seeing him. Oh well. It’s not like we can do anything
until he turns 18 even though he wants too. So it’s just as well we cool it.
This trip with Steve
Barker to Texas will be fun and a good get away. We will go through Santa Fe
New Mexico on the way down so that should be fun also. I’m just nervous about
going not having any money of my own and
being completely dependent on Steve.
I’ve never done that before. But
he said he wanted to do it for me for all that I had done putting Beyond
Stonewall together.
6 August 1988 Saturday
It was another bizarre day. After tossing and
turning all night, anxious about taking a road trip to Texas, I was up at 9 to
get ready to pack and clean the apartment. I hate returning to a messy place.
Steve
Barker was supposed to have picked me up at noon but he called at 11 to say it
would be probably closer to 2 in the afternoon. Then he said we had to go to
Park City first to see some people at the Art Festival. That made me anxious as I knew Billy Bikowski
would be at the Art Festival but I also thought the chances of running into him
were slim.
It
started to thunder and shower when Steve showed up at 2:30 and we were in Park
City by 3:30. As we carried two bundles of newspapers down Main Street, God
Damn it, I saw Billy. He didn’t see me but still I was really upset because I
didn’t want to see him at all.
Anyway
I lost myself in the crowd so Billy wouldn’t see me. Steve found Jeff Sewell
who then came to see me and to say hi as another thunder shower began. We ran
down Main Street getting soaked to where Derek Streeter, Dave Malmstrom and
Dave’s friend Antonio had sheltered. I was just having a delightful time with
Jeff, who made me forget all about Billy.
I know I have an infatuation on him but seeing Jeff together with Derek
is disconcerting. Does he have a crush on Derek also?
The
rain didn’t let up, so we all went into the Main Street mall and as I was
walking, almost arm in arm with Jeff, I hear a very familiar voice saying “hi” as
someone rushed by me. It was Billy. I didn’t even respond back as I was truly
happy just being with Jeff.
Anyway
Steve was anxious to be on the way because he said he had to go back to Ogden
before leaving for Texas. I was mildly disappointed leaving Jeff behind especially with Derek that old scoundrel.
In
the car I had to take my contacts out as I think I may have scratched my
eyeball as it was sore. Then while heading back down to Ogden, Steve pulled
over to pick up a scary looking hitch hiker without even asking me. I was so
upset and thought to myself is this what it’s going to be like going back to
Texas with Steve; me subject to his
whims. I hated not having any money as is.
Anyway,
back in Ogden, after letting the hitch hiker out, I asked Steve to pull over and I explained to
him that I didn’t want to go to Texas with him after all. I said while it was
nice of him to offer I just didn’t feel good about it. I said we haven’t really known each other
that long yet to be taking such a long trip together where I am totally
dependent on him.
I
couldn’t really verbalize all my feelings but seeing Billy when I didn’t want
to do so, picking up a hitch hiker, Steve being so adamant about getting his
way all the time, and my being completely dependent on him for every little
thing, had me feeling some real resentment.
Steve
was shocked that I didn’t want to go after all but eventually agreed with me
that it was probably for the best. Right now is probably not the right time to
be making this trip.
He
agreed however to take me to Sunset Elementary so I could see where I would be
teaching. I found that it is right off of the Route 70 Bus Line from Salt Lake
to Ogden so I can take a bus to work with absolutely no problem. It’s only
about a half a mile from the bus stop. However I will have to get up really
early to catch the bus at 7 in the
morning.
As
it was in the late afternoon now, Steve and I stopped at a Chinese restaurant
for supper before going back to his place where we talked about his nephew
Spencer’s involvement with this pedophile named Gary. We discussed ways we could convince Spencer
that his relationship with Gary was not healthy.
A
friend of Steve’s named John Terrill then dropped by and he said he knew both
Clare Harward and Billy. I am meeting so many people who know Billy but who
don’t anything about me at all.
Steve
took me home to Salt Lake City at midnight. I feel good about the decision not
to go back to Texas but I am sad and disappointed I won’t be seeing Grandma and
Grandpa Johnson.
7 August 1988 Sunday-
It was a delightful ending to what was mostly
a boring day. It was the first time in a long time that I was actually bored. I
haven’t written that I’ve been bored for a very long time but today I was
bored.
I
walked over to the Rainbow gas station on 4th South and 7th
East and bought a Sunday paper to read and I was still bored. I think I was
also edgy and nervous about whether I would see Jeff Sewell at Affirmation
tonight.
I talked a little to
Ben Barr this morning who is going crazy getting ready for an AIDS Award
Banquet . It’s the Salt Lake AIDS
Foundation’s first and they are presenting Dr. Kristin Ries with an award to
honor her for her dedication to people with AIDS. Ben said that Newsweek magazine recently
presented her with its "Unsung Hero
of 1988" and she was also named by
Utah Holiday magazine as the most compassionate physician in Utah.
Mark
Lamar came over at 5, after attending his Salt Lake AIDS Foundation’s training
session. I told him that Steve Barker was coming down from Ogden to attend
Affirmation and I asked Mark to join us which he did. I was a little hesitant
thinking I might see Billy there but he wasn’t after all
It
was a Pot Luck social at Affirmation this evening and there were lots of people
attending but I was fixated on Jeff alone. He’s so cute, charming, and
sexy. He’s about 6 feet tall, copper
colored hair, blue eyes, lightly freckled, and a smile that would melt butter.
He has such strong rugged Gaelic looks. Surprisingly Derek Streeter who was
also at Affirmation was not at all interested in paying attention to Jeff as much
as I was for sure.
After
the pot luck, Steve Barker wanted to go to Backstreet to see Ben Cabey’s show
Fusion but I didn’t. However Mark Lamar did but he hadn’t any money. So I gave
him a couple of buck for the cover and to buy a libation.
Jeff
Sewell stayed at my place until Steve came back to pick him up to take him home. We kissed and made out the entire time but
kept everything above board. As he is still inexperienced, we just hold hands and kiss. I especially love
just talking to him and getting to know him better as we come from different
time lines. I think I am falling in love
again. I know I am infatuated with him for sure. It was after midnight when Steve Barker came
by to retrieve Jeff.
8 August 1988- Monday-
John Reeves dropped
by this afternoon feeling frustrated and dejected not being able to find a
position for the fall. He said he is so broke that he’s not sure he can pay
rent in September. I gave him $20 after I closed my savings account at the Utah
Credit Union so he could renew his membership at Club 14. I only had $25 in the account anyway. John is
so lonely for physical affection and needs sex for his emotional health like we
all do and since Gog has brought Jeff Sewell into my life, I wanted John to be
happy too and he enjoys the activities at the bath.
Jeff called me this
morning and asked if he could come down from Ogden to do some genealogy research
with me. I said certainly but I let him know that today the genealogy library
closes early on Monday for Family Home Evening. He said he wanted to come down anyway to see
me and he could come down after work at 9 tonight.
Ken Francis called me
this evening and said that he’s got a job in South San Francisco and will be
moving to California this week. I am so
happy for him but sad for me. I asked if he would take me downtown to meet
Jeff’s bus which came in just as we arrived.
Ken then took us back to the Juel and there Jeff spent the night at my
place. He is delightful. His birthday is September 16 and it blows my mind that
I can be involved with someone his age and that he’s attracted to me at my age.
But it’s not his age that appeals to me but it’s what Jeff himself calls
chemistry. Call it whatever. I know that I am falling for him.
9 August 1988 Tuesday-
Jeff Sewell spent the night however there was
no sleep for the two of us as we laid in each other’s arms all night long. We
slept on the carpet, which was uncomfortable any way, but out lips were
touching all night when we weren’t; talking like lovers.
I
fixed Jeff some breakfast and then at noon he had to leave to catch the bus
back to Ogden so he could go into work. However he said he’d try to come back
down with Steve Barker to attend Unconditional Support tonight. That made me
still want to be in his company so I took the Ogden bus with him for his ride
back home. Jeff and I sat in the back of
the bus and laughed about us being “love criminals” in the state of Utah.
I
also went to see how long it will take me to get to Sunset Elementary and with
all the stops and detours it was one and a half hours. So it will be a 3 hour
round trip when I start work there.
Anyway
I was back home by 5 and even though I was exhausted from not getting any sleep
last night I had to pull things together for Unconditional Support. Jeff wasn’t able to make it to U.S. after all
because he misread his work schedule ad had to work later than he thought.
We had a nice turn
out though. Summer must be winding down because people are coming back. We
answered some questions that Glen Camomile made up just something light and
fun. Glen I found out is a high school
teacher at Viewmont in Davis County. He’s about 52 years old and very charming.
Allan Petersen and
Erick Vaughn will probably become the new assistant directors of Unconditional
Support when Ken Francis leaves because Randy Olsen is wanting to step down
also. Ken came to Unconditional Support to say goodbye. I almost started to
cry. Ken has been an important part of my coming out story.
At Dee’s Coffee Shop,
Mike Anderson showed up after his getting off work. He looks pretty good after
having lost 30 pounds
10 August 1988 Wednesday
Steve Barker called me this afternoon to say
that after talking to Jeff Sewell, Jeff said he was upset with something I had
said to him about Derek Streeter. I was really upset because Steve said that
Jeff didn’t want to go the community dance this coming Saturday night because
I’d be there and he wanted to be with Derek.
I was rather freaked out by this news so rather than just hearing all
this second hand, I called Jeff up directly. I told him that I didn’t want to
“smother” him but just wanted him to be happy.
He thought I wasn’t attracted to him because I wouldn’t have sex with
him and Derek does want to. I am glad I called because it cleared the air but
still it was upsetting.
John Reeves is rather
upset because his phone will probably be turned off today because he’s out of
money to pay his bill. We went to the
dollar movie tonight just to get away and forget our troubles for a moment. We
saw Poltergeist III which the description of “awful” is being too kind.
11 August 1988 Thursday
I woke up at 5 this morning feeling nauseous
so I decided just to stay up. I need to start getting used to it. At 7 I caught
the bus to the Genealogy Library where I stayed until 4 when the power to the
building went off. I guess a huge dust
storm blew in abut we didn’t get any rain out of it.
I
worked primarily on Jeff Sewell’s genealogy but didn’t touch anything I would
have gotten paid for because I am so over Lineages.
I
stayed home for the rest of the evening,
watching television, mostly The Cosby Show, A different World,
Cheers, Night Court, and L.A. Law before
going to bed at 10.
John
Reeves had his phone disconnected today so there’s no way I can contact him
now. Then some collection agent called
to harass me about my Visa Account being delinquent. I said I don’t have $20 to
my name and hung up on him.
12 August 1988 Friday-
Ken Francis left for California today. When he came over this afternoon and I knew this time it really was goodbye, I
started to cry, just bawled. His leaving is just another closure of a period of my life. Ken has been a very
important part of my Gay life and I’m going to miss him beyond words.
Willy
Marshall told me that Jon Butler has fled to California also. Changes, changes
all around me. Nothing seems constant in my world any more.
I
am also really melancholy over Jeff Sewell as well. What to do about Jeff? I’m
already more involved with him than I should be. He’s out tonight seeing Evita
at the Capitol Theater. Then tomorrow he’s going on an Affirmation
sponsored hike with Derek. On Sunday
Derek is picking him up to take him to Affirmation.
I’m
not going to run after Jeff and try to compete with Derek. Billy Bikowski once
said to me that nothing is as unattractive as desperation. So true. I want to be Jeff’s obsession, his number
one. If that is horrible, than I am sorry but that’s how I feel.
I
love that man but I am not going to go through
with him what I did with Billy. This old heart can’t take any more heart
breaks. Maybe I will just say, “fuck it all.” Love is not meant for me. “they’re writing
songs of love, but not for me.”
Steve
Barker wants me to move into his apartment in Ogden. No way in hell. I need my
own space.
It
is a warm August night but it’s cooler than it was in June and July. The
crickets are chirping making their night music.
Tomorrow it will be three years that I returned back to Utah from
California. Can it only be three years? Seems a life time ago.
13 August 1988 Saturday.
I was nauseous for most of the day. I don’t know why. Perhaps I have a small bug. I went to the HYPER
Building on campus and weighed myself and I was down to 191 pounds. I hope to
be down to 185 by September 1st.
I sat in the sauna a little but it was quiet the time I was there.
Anyway
Steve Baker dropped by thus afternoon before going to see “Evita” with Steve
Oldroyd. We had a heated discussion over
pedophilia and he was defensive of it
and I was adamantly opposed to it. I was actually getting sick to my stomach
and was disgusted with Steve even though I know he is not a pedophile himself,
that I know of. However his defense of the North America Man Boy Love group made
him seem sleazy in my eyes, his defending the exploitation of minors.
It
also made me feel dirty regarding my affection for Jeff Sewell even though he’s
almost a grown adult but won’t be 18 until next month. I hate that. I’ve been melancholy all day over Jeff and our relationship if we even have one.
Does he care for me or is it only hormones on his part?
Anyway
in the mail, mom sent me $200 to help out until I can start getting paid
teaching. James Conrad called wanting Ben Barr’s phone number so he ask him out
on a date.
We held a Community
dance at the central City Community Center Jeff showed up with Derek and while
he wasn’t all over Derek, he really wasn’t with me either. I was not feeling well for most of the night
and seeing Jeff there and his not being near me made me sad. The only time we
were together at all was when I gave him a copy of the genealogy I did for him.
I talked to Mark
Kraft for most of the evening and had a
heated discussion with Rob Moore who wrote what I thought a very homophobic
article about Gay Pride Day for the Triangle.
14 August 1988 Sunday-
It’s Mark Lamar’s 29th birthday
but I am still not feeling well. Rocky O’Donovan came over this afternoon and took
me out to dinner. We had Greek food over at Trolley Square. However it made my
stomach even sicker.
. We talked about Gay
History and how he is doing some research on Gay people in Mormon Church
history. In the late afternoon we walked
over to Mark Lamar to see him on his birthday.
Rocky left from there but Mark walked back to my place and we later
walked up to Affirmation. I wasn’t
feeling well and was not in the mood to see either Billy Bikowski or Jeff
Sewell so after thinking they might be there, I told Mark I wasn’t up to
staying and walked back down the escarpment to my apartment.
There I realized that
Jeff was just an illusion and perhaps a reclamation of a youthful time I never
had with John Cunningham. So goodbye sweet, sweet Jeff. Live long and prosper
and may all good things come to you.
15 August 1988 Monday
I am still sick to my stomach.
In
the evening Steve Barker and an Indian friend of his named Kenny came down from
Ogden wanting to go to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union. I was still feeling
nauseous but went with them to show them
where LGSU meets. Steve said that Billy Bikowski was at Affirmation yesterday
so I was glad I wasn’t there. He also said that Jeff Sewell told him that he
was “in love” with Derek Streeter. I think deep in my gut I knew that. Perhaps
that’s why I am so sick. Steve said Jeff’s afraid I will treat him the way I do
Billy but what Jeff just doesn’t know the hell that Billy has put me through
for 2 years.
I
have such mixed feels about the revelation about Jeff’s affection for Derek,
sadness and relief. I just want to be a lone, live alone, and die alone. Why am
I doing any of this? What is wrong with me that no one ones me?
16 August 1988 Tuesday-
I am still very sick to my stomach. At
Unconditional Support tonight had a very large turn out about 30 to 35 people I
think. Both Steve Barker and Derek
Streeter were here tonight but not Jeff Sewell. I was really disappointed not
seeing him here tonight
The topic was on New
Age Metaphysics taught by John Merrill.
It was very interesting. We
discussed channeling, reincarnation, astral projection, crystals and the like.
I also presented Eric
Vaughn and Allan Petersen to Unconditional Support as the new assistant
directors of Unconditional Support. Afterwards we went off to Dee’s with about
15 people. I sat next to Derek Streeter and John Reeves who seemed in really
good spirits tonight for a change. I guess you can’ be down all the time.
I have been so
nauseous lately that I’m sure I must seem like a pill instead of my usual
lively self. It’s hard to be happy and upbeat when you don’t feel well. AIDS
people must feel down and poorly a lot. Allan said he’s been sick too so
there’s probably a bug going around. Allan
and Eric said they would come over to my place this Saturday at 6 in the
evening to plan topics for future meetings.
When I came home at
11 tonight had a message on my recorder
from the police department that they found my car and it’s in the impound lot. Wouldn’t
it be wonderful if it’s okay but I don’t believe it really is. But if it is it
would solve my transportation problem so much getting up to Sunset
The National
Republican Hate-Fest Convention is nominating George Bush for President. I hate
the Republican Party for being so anti-Gay.
17 August 1988 Wednesday-
I am starting to feel a tad bit better. I
suppose this stomach virus is running its course. Anyway I called the police
department and they said that to retrieve my car I would have to pay an impound
fee. So I called the impound lot and found out that it would cost $51 to pick
up my car. I asked Sharon the gal that was working there if she’s go look at
the car for me and she said that it looked pretty trashed with all the windows
bashed out.
Well
that’s that. I said to her, “I have no money to get the car or fix it up so
what can I do?” She said that if I don’t come get the car it will just be sold
at auction to pay for the impound fees. So that is what I will do.
I
went over to Mark Lamar’s to visit some and we ended taking the bus out to
Valley Fair Mall on State Street to catch a flick but once there we didn’t
because there was nothing worth seeing.
While we were Downtown
waiting for a bus there were some Lyndon LaRouche Campaign people were
registering people to vote. His presidential campaign platform is all about scaring people about AIDS. I
walked by and said “My God LaRouche!! How sickening!” They didn’t appreciate it
but I don’t appreciate LaRouche running on a platform to quarantine Gay people
to stop the spread of AIDS.
Mark and I just came
back into the city and went home where I stayed home all evening. I was melancholy and called Jeff Sewell just
to hear his sweet voice again. We didn’t talk much. I guess nothing more to
say.
18 August 1988 Thursday
I am feeling better and better but still a
little queasy. It’s still hot and in the mid 90’s and has been since June. It’s
been a really hot summer.
Mike
Anderson of all people dropped by for a bit and it was fun seeing him again
almost like old times
Some
woman from the IRS came by to see me about
how I needed to make arrangements to start paying what they say I owe
them. The wolves are at the door. Why don’t they just take a quart of blood and
leave me alone? It was Fran’s mistake on her taxes that is why they are after
me because we are still married.
I
went to Gay Fathers this evening just
because I needed to get out of the apartment. It was good to be out but I was
missing Jeff Sewell today. Oh well.
19 August 1988 Friday-
I am still feeling better and better. I
called Jeff Sewell this morning to see what his plans were for the weekend. My
heart sank when I heard that he was taking the bus down to Orem to spend the
weekend with Derek Streeter.
I was feeling pretty
blue so I had Mark Lamar come over this
morning to walk with me as I did some errands. I first went to the IRS building
to pick up some forms for a payment schedule, then to the Central City Community Center to pay
for the dance in September. That was $45
out of Unconditional Support’s account.
The dance will be held on the 16th a Friday instead of a Saturday
because it was the only day we could be there without Tongans who objected to
Gays being there.
Also
we went to the bank to get some change so I could take the bus next week when
my job starts. I called Glen Camomile and he said he would take me to the
opening function Monday at Layton High School for all district faculty.
In
the evening I had a surprise call from Jeff Wood who asked me out. That perked
me right up but he shot me right back down when as I climbed into his truck, I
gave him a peck on his lips and he says to me, “I’m not interested in having
sex with you. I just want to be friends.”
I should have kneed him right there but I wanted to get out so I let him treat me to pizza and drive me
around. I just sweetly insulted him all along the way. What a first class jerk.
Fuck you.
20 August 1988 Saturday
I didn’t do a hell of a lot of anything this
afternoon except I did write up an article for Chuck Whyte’s Unity Show to
submit to the Triangle. He asked me to do it yesterday since he did make up an
ad on the computer’s work shop program for the dance.
I also wrote an article about Unconditional
Support’s new assistant directors, Erik Vaughn and Allan Petersen. They came
over about 6:30 with Randy Olsen and we discussed the objectives of
Unconditional Support and our involvement with Beyond Stonewall, community
dances, Gay and Lesbian Community Council, and planning social parties for
Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.
We talked until
nearly 11:30 at night. I think Eric and Allan will be great and I hope come January
I can walk away from being the director with this new leadership.
Fran called me while
I was at the meeting and we spoke briefly about filing bankruptcy although I am
not in debt except from her bills. She is living with some 59 year old guy
named Vincent in Orem now and seems happy. I asked her again to sign the
divorce papers and I would try to keep her on my medical once I start working
again.
21 August 1988 Sunday-
It was a lazy kind of morning. I tried
calling Fran to talk some more about the divorce but we never connected up. I
figured with all our bills I owe Visa $950, MasterCard $1100, Sears $430,
Montgomery Ward $120, Levitz $800, and the IRS $1800 and Fran owes on her own a
$1000 phone bill. I haven’t been able to
make any payments since Utah Title folded without paying me my last pay check.
Anyway
at 3 in the afternoon I went with John Reeves over to Matt Wilson’s place for
an open house. Matt had some interesting people there, mostly people I did not
know. We discussed the need for Gay History, Beyond Stonewall, and ending
Patriarchy.
Dan
Fahndrich and Matt had some pictures they took at Beyond Stonewall and It was
good to see them. John was irritating me a little because he knows zip about
history but thinks he has to be an authority on everything. He is on all things
dealing with Sociology yes, I will bow to his expertise in that field but
history is my department.
John
deep down does not like women. He’s a misogynist probably from his experience
with his wife Barbara. But I still love him and will stand up for what I
believe about being inclusive.
Anyway
at 7 this evening I went to KRCL to tape a show with Becky Moss. We interviewed
Debbie Fairchild ex-wife of Ted Fairchild. She wanted to share a study she did
in which she claimed that women have a harder time with divorce when a Gay man
is involved because her own issues if femininity are threatened. It was a fun
program but I thought her findings were ridiculous. Divorce is hard Gay or
Straight.
After taping I had
Becky take me up to attend Affirmation. However I saw Billy Bikowski was at the
meeting so I left and walked on home.
I am thinking of
moving to Layton to be closer to work and I don’t feel like I want to be here
in Salt Lake City anymore where everywhere there’s memories of Billy.
22 August 1988 Monday
I was up at 6:30 this morning to be picked up
by Glen Camomile for us to attend the Davis County School district opening
activities and orientation for the new school year. We had to be up at Layton High School. Former
governor Scott Mathesen was there and he spoke on voting against the tax imitative
that would take money away from education but the rest of the addresses were
rather a “Go Team” rally to kick off a new school year.
Glen
drove me around Layton afterwards so I could look at apartments there. We also
talked about Jeff Sewell and Derek Streeter being in a relationship. He said that they had come over to a dinner
party that Glen held at his A Street Condo last Saturday. Glen said he could tell that Derek was not in
love with Jeff even though he felt that Jeff was truly in love with Derek. Jeff
even spent $50 on Derek this weekend because he had just gotten paid. How could
Derek let him do that? That’s Jeff’s school clothes money. Working at McDonalds
for minimum wage, that was a lot of money for Jeff to spend. Well it’s not my
concern anymore.
Glen
also took me to Sunset elementary that was opened so U went in and I met the
other Sixth Grade faculty. Glen took off
because I said I would catch the bus back home to Salt Lake.
I feel like I am
going to be a buffer and mediator between the two of them, Susan McCoy and Ron
Birrell. I can tell they dislike each other a lot. Susan is your young bubbly
energetic type while Ron is an older negative burn out type. He more or less
said I was stupid for going into education. Some good news is that I may get to
car pool with Susan because she also lives in Salt Lake City in the Marmalade
District not far from the Juel Apartment.
I stayed in my new
classroom starting to organize it until I caught one of the last buses to Salt
Lake. I was home by 8 in the evening and had a call from Mark Lamar. He’s got
his new phone line now. Later James
Conrad called me to find out more about how Ben Barr feels about him.
Before going to bed
John Reeves dropped by for a little cat about Affirmation and how it went. He
said he enjoyed it while Glen earlier told me how much he hated it. John said that people at Affirmation were
saying that Beyond Stonewall was the greatest thing that ever happened to them.
In fact they gave John a standing ovation for his efforts for making Beyond
Stonewall a reality.
I want Billy Bikowski
back. “What does it take to win your love for me? I’ve tried, I’ve tried in
every way I could to make you see… I’ve just got to know, cause baby, I love
you so.”
Fran called me at 11
when I was in bed to say she is filing for bankruptcy in September and will
call my lawyer about signing the divorce papers.
[TEACHING LICENSE YANKED By Deseret News Sep
16, 1993, The State Board of Education has revoked the teaching certificate of
Glen Camomile, a former teacher in the Davis District, for unprofessional
conduct. The board acted on the recommendation of the Utah Professional
Practices Commission, which reviews complaints brought against educators.]
23 August 1988 Tuesday-
Susan McCoy picked me up this morning to take
me to Farmington Junior High where I spent all morning in an orientation for
new teachers. It was on her way to Sunset. We mainly went over the curriculum
required by the Davis County District. I stayed long enough for the free lunch
and then took the bus home so that I could get a beard trim and haircut and
also to get ready for Unconditional Support.
I have broken out in
acne all over my forehead. It’s the worse than I can ever remember even as a
teenager. Perhaps the stress over starting a new job as well as eating the
chocolate covered potato chips last Sunday at Matt Wilson’s party has made my
forehead look like connect the dots.
Usually my skin is very clear and clean without any blemishes unlike
Billy Bikowski.
Anyway we had a large
turnout at Unconditional Support. Mark Lamar counted 37 people including four
Lesbians. John Reeves is uncomfortable
with Lesbians.
The topic tonight was
on pedophilia and The North American Man Boy Love Association NAMBLA. We discussed how to combat the move by them trying
to link up with the Gay Rights Movement.
Jeff Sewell and Derek
Streeter were at the meeting and seeing them together depressed me so much that
instead of going out for coffee I went home right to bed.
24 August 1988 Wednesday-
Another boring day at Farmington Junior High
where we’re being lectured to about procedures for new teachers. I had to stay
all day to fill out insurance forms and payroll processing forms. I didn’t get
out of there until 3:30 and I really resent the time that it takes me away from
being in my classroom to get it ready for school to begin on Monday. To make
matters worse, I received a subpoena to appear in court Friday relating to my
stolen car.
I
guess they want me to testify against the homeless man that they found in my
car. I’m not about to press charges against him because he didn’t steal it. A
gang of Tongans did.
I
stayed home this evening and visited with Matt Wilson mostly over the phone, I
am singing the Billy Bikowski blues to
him. Matt said he and John Bush have taken over the reins of Gay Fathers since
Steve Brackenbury has moved to San Francisco.
I also called Jeff
Sewell and told him that I wanted to meet him this Friday at 7 before he goes
into work. There’s something I want to clear the air about. I was in bed by 10
tonight.
.
25 August 1988 Thursday
Susan
McCoy picked me up at 7 this morning and we were up in Sunset by 7:30. I spent
the entire day putting up bulletin boards and organizing my classroom, There
was a pot luck luncheon and it was yummy but I don’t know who I like among the faculty
and who I can trust.
I was laying on the
classroom floor making all these posters for my bulletin board feeling grateful
and lucky to finally being able to start a career as a teacher. It still
doesn’t seem real like when will the other shoe drop and I will be fired for
being Gay before I even start.
I really don’t care
for Mr. Birrell at all. He’s so negative and I just don’t need him coming into
my classroom and ragging on my students. I don’t want any prejudices against
them though Susan has assured me that this was a tough school with lots of
lower income students.
Anyway
I was back home by 5:30 this afternoon. I enjoy the talks Susan and I have
driving back to Salt Lake. It’s like a mini conference about school stuff. I
took a lot of school work home to work on while watching television.
James
Conrad called again and we visited for about an hour on the phone. He is so smitten with Ben Barr. He has the “I
got nobody to love” blues. Join the club honey.
26 August 1988 Friday
I
had to attend court today because of a subpoena issued about my stolen car. I
told the prosecuting attorney that I wasn’t going to press charges. He was mad.
I didn’t care. I said it is bad he was arrested for something he didn’t do but
by impounding my car he lost his home too! I know they thought I was crazy.
I
took the Ogden Bus to Sunset at 11 this morning and was there by 12:30. The bus
went through Farmington where the county court house was all decked out for Dan
Quayle’s arrival who is running for Vice
President with George Bush.
Anyway
I stayed at school until 6 this evening setting up desks with school supplies,
making name tags, and getting it ready for Monday the best I can. I met some of my pupils today who were
anxious to meet their new teacher. I can’t believe that school is ready to
begin.
When I left school I
took the Ogden Bus into Roy to meet with
Jeff Sewell at 7. We went to Warren’s this famous hamburger joint to get a bite
to eat and there I had a heart to heart talk with him.
I told him the Gay
facts of life about morality, integrity, honesty and that he was bound to hurt
a lot of people if he doesn’t communicate his feelings better. I told him that
being Gay is more than being about sex. It’s mainly who we fall in love with. I
told him that I did love him but also knew that he was in love with Derek
Streeter.
Jeff is a sweet boy
in a man’s body and I really do care for him and want what is best for him. I
had to leave to catch the 8:30 bus back to Salt Lake City. I hated to leave him
there but I had to. As it was I didn’t get home until 10 at night.
When I was walking
home, Darrell Webber from Affirmation saw me and picked me up at 3rd
South and Broadway to give me a ride back to my place. Along the way we saw a
lot of people picketing the movie “The Last Temptation of Christ” in front of the
Centre Theater on State Street. If they are truly Christians why can’t they
turn the other cheek rather than be so militant?
27 August 1988 Saturday-
I got a call from John Reeves this morning
saying that his last job prospect fell through and he is leaving for the East
Coast this Thursday. John is packing up his apartment and will leave Utah on
the 1st. He can’t find work in Utah as a sociology professor. He said he will try
to go to Washington DC to try to find work there and if that fails he will be
moving to Boston. He said he called Jim Hunsaker chair of the community council and told him
that he had to resign as vice chair.
The news really
saddens me but I think it will be for the best eventually for John. His children have turned their back on him
for leaving Barbara to pursue a “homosexual lifestyle.”
We
talked about him turning the reigns of Beyond Stonewall over to me completely
and I guess it will be my sole responsibility from now.
In
the afternoon I took a bus up to the HYPER Building on Campus to sit in the
sauna, hoping that would help cleanse my pores. I have such a bad case of acne
on my forehead. While there, this gorgeous tall blond guy comes in naked and
sits down with a huge erection. As there were only the two of us in the sauna
we had sex. I could tell he really needed a blow job.
Then
later in the evening Dave Malmstrom and John Reeves came over to my place discuss
what will happen now with Beyond
Stonewall 89. I asked Dave Malmstrom if he’s be willing to be a co-director of
Beyond Stonewall with me and he said Yes.
We talked about the different dynamics we saw at Beyond Stonewall but
basically decided on Gay Heritage as being the theme for next year.
At
10, Dave, John, and I went to the Centre Theater to see The Last Temptation of
Christ to show our support against censorship. I sat next to this other cute
blond boy who kept flirting with me and me him back. The theater was filled with security because
of the lunatics outside. The movie was too long, too boring, and basically
unsatisfying but at least it was our choice to see it or not.
28 August 1988 Sunday-
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. I wanted
to call Jeff Sewell before he goes off to Lagoon for Gay Day.
I
did some grocery shopping and some lesson planning for school tomorrow but not
much else. I knew I was doing two shows for Concerning Gays and Lesbians
interviewing Ben Barr about The Salt Lake
AIDS Foundation and one about the play Bent that is coming to Salt Lake City on
the 14th of September. I met Ben’s ex-lover
Jon Petersen. What a Cutie. The
programs went well and I enjoyed being with Becky Moss, Ben, and meeting Jon
Peterson.
Well
tomorrow is the big day. I didn’t know when I came back to Salt Lake City in
August of 1985 that it would take three years to get a teaching position. Well
the adventure is about to begin. I’ve prepared my life for it so let the show
go on.
I
almost went to Affirmation tonight because I was longing to see Billy Bikowski
but I let the feeling pass.
Fran
left a message on the answering machine saying she found the divorce
papers and will have them notarized
tomorrow when she then will send them into the Lawyer. I am not sure what my
feelings are. Empty. Sad. And I don’t know what.
29 August 1988 Monday
The alarm clock went off at 6 while I was
sound asleep,. Still I was up showered and waiting for Susan McCoy outside the
Juel Apartment at 7:00, ready for the first day of school. We were up at Sunset
Elementary by 7:30.
I
have 29 students in my class which is small by Utah Standards. I had no
problems with any of them and had a good day laying out ground rules for the
rest of the year and expectations.
School
was out at 1:30 on Mondays as an early out day for teacher preparation and
planning. I used the time to make lesson plans for tomorrow. The 6th
grade is planning a field trip in September but we aren’t sure where to yet.
We
left at 3:30 and I was home by 4:00. When
I came home I took a long nap more worn out than I thought I’d be. Allan Petersen called this evening and
suggested that I move to Layton to be roommates but I told him that I told
Susan I could pay her $60 a month for gas for her truck and for taking to
school and home. That’s less than $2 a
day and I’d pay about that to take the bus round trip. Besides with Susan it’s
only a half an hour to get to Sunset while it’s almost an hour and half on the
bus.
Anyway
he said that Billy Bikowski was at Affirmation last Sunday. I am obsessing over
him again. I want him back. I want it so desperately. Why? I need to know that
he’s okay. That he is well. I miss seeing him so much but I know when I do it
only brings me pain because he will love me the way I need to be loved.
Why
doesn’t Jeff Sewell love me? When I am with him he obliterates Billy from my
head if not my heart.
John
Reeves called to saying he’s packing up his apartment. I know that must be hard
on him and makes what he’s doing seem so final.
Myra
Nichols, the mother of my old Title One pal Troy called me to see how my first
day of school went. That was sweet of her. I think she still loves me for
giving her the La Paloma Chile Verde Recipe.
I haven’t heard from her or Troy in months.
So
many changes in my life right now. So
many people are leaving.
30 August 1988 Tuesday
The second day of school was long and so hot
in the classroom. Summer is still cooking us even though fall is just three
weeks away.
Susan
McCoy picked me up at 7 in the morning and we were at work by 7:30. The kids
don’t come until a little after 8. It was a busy day trying out my lesson plans.
I enjoy many of my students but I can’t believe how low their math and reading
skills are. I definitely have my work cut out with most of them, especially
this boy Jeremiah Kite who is basically illiterate. How do you get to Sixth
Grade without being able to read?
Anyway
Susan and I were back in Salt Lake by 4:30 and at 5, John Reeves dropped over
with items for Beyond Stonewall and some other sundry stuff he had of mine.
At
Unconditional Support there was another large turnout but no Lesbians this
time. I don’t blame them. We had about 45 people overflowing the sitting room
where we meet at the Crossroads Urban Center. We must be doing something right.
Randy
Olson led the meeting on the topic of Ageism with our community and how youth
centric we seem to be. We discussed whether people should date who have a large
age discrepancy between them. That was a timely discussion for me for sure.
I
announced that this was John Reeves last night at Unconditional Support and I
was real choked up when I did. I guess the finality of it really hit me. We
approved a motion to start donating food to the Crossroads Urban Center’s
pantry. I know I was grateful to receive help when I needed it.
The
meeting was very spirited but I was a little worn down from school and having
gotten up so early. Jeff Sewell wasn’t at the meeting tonight but Steve Barker
was
When
Derek Streeter made the comment that he was a teacher at the Missionary
Training Center at BYU for 13 years, Ray Neilsen said, “That’s where I remember
you from.”
After
the meeting we all went out to coffee at Dee’s but I didn’t stay long at all. I
left at 10 and John drove me home along with Randy Olson. I hugged John goodbye
and began to bawl. I said to him “Why are the people I love always leaving me?”
Well
so ends another chapter in my life.
31 August 1988 Wednesday
It was a bad day at work because the kids
were so hyper. The honeymoon is over and I was just on their case left and
right to keep them on task. This year will make me or break me as a teacher for
sure. I heard a teacher say that your
first year you learn more than your students do.
On
the way home Susan McCoy needed to stop to see a friend of hers so I ended
taking the bus the rest of the way back into Salt Lake. I didn’t get home until
almost 8 this evening. I was so worn out that I just went to bed at 9.
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