November 1988

1 November 1988 Tuesday-

It seems so strange to be driving to school in daylight again at 7 in the morning because it had been so dark like night time. It’s the day after Halloween which is always a letdown  for sure.  I got paid today and cleared $958 which I guess will be my monthly salary from now on.

It was a small turn out at Unconditional Support about 20 people. We talked about political issues with the state and national elections next week.  We didn’t get too heated like last week but the meeting wore me out. I overheard someone off handedly say they should have a coup to oust me from being director. When I heard that I thought why do I bother anymore? I am tired of dragging along the group evidently to a place where they don’t want to be. No one is here tonight who remembers the old days. I feel like an outsider in my own organization.  I am just kind of disgusted. May be I should just resign anyway. Why keep knocking my head against the wall. I will keep leading until January elections then I am resigning.

Today is Becky Moss’ birthday.  

2 November 1988 Wednesday-

I am feeling down from how I was treated yesterday at Unconditional Support. When John Reeves called me from Boston today, I told him how I was feeling about Unconditional Support and how I wasn’t getting any. I said I just wanted to drop out but John was encouraging by saying that I was too essential to the Gay community of Salt Lake. But I am tired

            Mike Anderson never came through with the video I wanted to show my class, so I took the bus to the Smith Food King on 8^th South and 9^th East and rented on my own. I can’t depend on anyone but myself. Maybe I am just tired.

            I talked to David Sharpton a little bit this evening and he’s happy with his new boyfriend. I called Curtis Scott and we visited some. I wish he and I could get back together.

3 November 1988 Thursday-

I showed "Indiana Jones and the  Temple of Doom" to my class the last half of the day as it was the end of the first term and the kids deserved a treat.

            I stayed home this evening and tried going to bed early as I am feeling run down. Mark Kraft called me tonight to rag on me about how Unconditional Support is falling apart because of my “caustic” attitude.  He said I was too radical and political. I had heard rumblings about a coup involving Randy Olsen and Mark Kraft. I feel so down. Why bother.

The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah met at the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church tonight but I didn’t attend.  It doesn’t feel the same without John Reeves and Mark Lamar there for support. 

4 November 1988 Friday

Susan and I were at Sunset by 8 this morning. It was a Career Ladder Day without the kids so we could do the reports cards. I mainly took down the October bulletin boards and put November theme ones.

            Kevin McClosky called me tonight and said he has hepatitis and said he supposed I should get a check up since we slept together even if we hadn’t gone far.

            I saw an ad in the Tribune for a stereo at Weinstocks for $160.  When I went to the Crossroads Mall, they didn’t have it in stock so they are back ordering it for me from their Ogden store.

            I was kind of disappointed because I wanted it tonight to play my albums. Oh well. 

5 November 1988-Saturday-

Mom called his morning to say that Grandma Johnson is back in the hospital after having a light stroke. I spent the afternoon cleaning the apartment really well.

 Mark Lamar called me from Indianapolis today and encouraged me to fight for my vision for Unconditional Support. Mark gave me the resolve to keep Unconditional Support a “support group” and not a “social club”.

In the evening  I went to the show and saw "Candy Mountain" by myself. Tom Wait was in it and it was kind of a quirky road trip flick. 

6 November 1988 Sunday-

It turned cold today and I didn’t feel well at all. But I can’t get sick because this week is parent teacher conferences.

            I needed to get out of the house and went to the movies and saw “Wings of Desire.” It was a German film about two angels that observed the people of West Berlin. It was playing at Cinema in Your Face. I liked it

I called Allan Petersen in the evening to see where he stands with Unconditional Support and he said he stands with me. I went to bed early tonight about 8:30 just tossing and turning worried about Unconditional Support.  Rod Stewart’s song "Forever Young" kept playing over and over in my head.

About 10:30 at night was woken by a phone call from David Sharpton telling me the results of the elections at Wasatch Affirmation. I said “You mean Neil Hoyt wasn’t elected director?” He said I would never guess who the new director of Affirmation is! And when he said Chuck Thomas I almost burst into tears. I was sick to my stomach just as if I was kicked in the guts! I said, “I can’t work with Chuck. He is so conservative and still influenced by his Mormon issues. What is going to happen to the community dances and the coalition Affirmation, the Lesbian and Gay Student Union , and Unconditional Support built this past year?  I was stunned.  Chuck Thomas was my worst case scenario  so much so that it never occurred to me that he was even a remote possibility.

John Jacob Schild nominated  Chuck and it was a tie between Neil Hoyt and Chuck Thomas but on the second vote Chuck Thomas won.  What will happen now? With Joe Dewey and Garth Chamberlain at the helm of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union  and Chuck Thomas now running Affirmation, I am the last Gay radical.

I called Allan Petersen to tell him the disastrous news. He was shocked too. I am just sick over the news. How must Neil Hoyt feel?  

7 November 1988 Monday-

I went to Lesbian and Gay Student Union tonight. They don’t seem to have any direction without Chris Brown leading the meetings. Just pretty and bitchy young boys talking to hear themselves talk or to put down other people. All trying so hard to be clever. It’s so boring or maybe I am. I don’t know, I just probably have out grown it. I suppose.  I want to give up Unconditional Support and all gay activism for a while. I need a vacation. I need to get away. If I dropped dead the community would carry on without me. I am tired. I need the rest. I had Allan Petersen pick me up but James Connelley  took me home. The weather is turning colder like winter is coming.  

8 November 1988 Tuesday-

I voted for Mike Dukakis and Ted Wilson, a straight Democratic ticket except for my state Senator. I couldn’t stand either of the Mormons so I voted for the Socialist Worker’s Party. As the dreary news came in of course they all lost and Bangerter was reelected Governor and former CIA Director George Bush is our new President.  I was just sick about it. I voted against all the initiatives.

At Unconditional Support we had a large turnout of perhaps 30 people. As there was Mutiny in the ranks, I took firm control of the meeting tonight and made it clear to the dissidents that we are a “support group” not a “social club” and “one will hear things expressed here that will make you  sometimes uncomfortable”. I even went over the charter and by-laws briefly and related the history of the group. 

Since it’s been a year since we changed our name from the Salt Lake Affirmation to Unconditional Support, I had the group share what they have gotten out of the group over this past year. Everyone realized from all the positive things being said that we were still on the right track under my direction and leadership. I needed to hear the validation. I needed my cup refilled. I was so ready to resign tonight.

I threw out a challenge that I would support and help anyone who wanted to start a new strictly social group but I know the bitchers won’t.  They only like to bellyache. I am so upset with Randy Olsen and Mark Kraft. They can go piss in the wind.

After the meeting Mark Kraft came up to me and tried to weasel his way out of his position by lamely saying he never intended for Unconditional Support to become a purely social group.

            Anyway Curtis Jensen showed up at the meeting with a new Love Bird and announced they are having a benefit for the Desert and Mountain States Conference on the 12^th.  I gave Curtis a $10 donation from the Unconditional Support’s collection.

            When I came home there was a message on my answering machine from some guy trying to get a hold of Billy Bikowski. Russ Lane, the insensitive bastard gave him my phone number. But I called the guy up in Ogden who wanted to know if Billy was still going with him to Seattle. I told him that Billy doesn’t have a phone but he could probably reach him through Granite Mills where he works.  I started to cry afterwards knowing that Billy was going off with someone so I just went to bed.  I am so over Billy. I want to leave Utah next Summer come hell or high water.  

9 November 1988 Wednesday

I stayed at Sunset Elementary until 6 this evening for the last of the Parent Teacher Conferences. I got them all out of the way except for 5 tomorrow in the afternoon. This half day week has been really hectic. As I was leaving the school grounds, I looked down and found a lost $50 bill. I felt bad for whoever lost it but I will use it for the community Thanksgiving dinner so it will go to a good cause.

            In the evening I was not feeling up to snuff. I have a tint sore throat from the change of weather I suppose.

            I was melancholy a little today thinking about Billy Bikowski, but I got over it soon enough and went to bed at 9 to get some rest. 

10 November 1988 Thursday-

Susan McCoy isn’t feeling well either and said she is not coming in tomorrow so I guess I will find out what it’s like to take the morning bus up to Sunset. She did help me get my stereo home from Weinstocks. I played some music on it a little bit but I was in bed by 8:30  tired from Parent Teacher conferences all week.

Before that Ben Barr came over to my place and told me some interesting news about the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. SLAF received a $180,000 grant and the Mormon Church is secretly donating office furniture from the Hotel Utah to the foundation. Ben Barr said he will be meeting with Harold Brown head of the LDS Social Services also. Strange. I guess the Mormon Church after 3years is finally pulling their heads out of their asses and realizing AIDS is here in Utah even in the “best of LDS families.”

However the a old ward house that the Mormon Church has donated to the Red Cross was on the condition that they will not house the AIDS Coalition or The Salt Lake AIDS Foundation because the Mormon Church doesn’t want people with AIDS or Gays using the building. Oh well.

John Reeves called me tonight to find out what is going on in Utah with the election. I didn’t have much to say about last Tuesday’s elections except that I am so disappointed in the Republican sweep.  John said he’s also mailing me two books on Gay history.  

11 November 1988 Friday

Today is Veteran’s Day but not a school holiday. I was up at 4:45 this morning  and found that it was raining. So I had to take a taxi to downtown to catch the Ogden bus on Main Street.  I was there at 5:40 and waited until 6 when the Ogden bus arrived. I tried to cat nap a little on the bus which helped.

            I reached the Sunset bus stop at 7:15 and after walking down to the school it was 7:30 when I entered my classroom. I was so glad that it was an early out day.

            Eric Rogers, the little shit was lying to Mrs. Stamps about what I had said to his mom at conference so I sent him to the principal’s office to have Mr. Olearain speak to him.

            Susan  McCoy came up to school to prepare for Monday and she gave me a ride home so I didn’t have to take the bus back to Salt Lake.

            I just stayed in this evening and read some more from John Boswell’s Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality before going to bed by 9. 

12 November 1988 Saturday-

I am sick with a slight cold but I went to a Desert and Mountain States Conference meeting at Curtis Jensen’s place. It was a cold, overcast, and dreary day. Being sick doesn’t help matters at all. Curtis Jensen has reorganized the drag fund raising group The Lovebirds to do benefit fundraisers for the Desert and Mountain States Conference that is to be held in Salt Lake  next year.

            I only stayed until noon when then I went home to meet my Uncle R.L Williams and his new wife Aunt Ellie. They are up from California to visit his cousin J.R. Peacock and his wife Mary.  J.R.’s mother died about 3 weeks ago and his daughter Regina Beach was killed in a car wreck about the same time.

            It was good to my uncle and we went driving up Little Cottonwood Canyon to see the sights and visit some. It began snowing on us above Snowbird. They left at 5 this afternoon  to go back to J.R. Peacock’s place  and I stayed home the rest of the evening grading papers.

            Richard Rodriguez and David Sharpton however dropped by to pick up tickets for the Love Bird’s benefit tonight called “Hairspray” for the Desert and Mountain States Conference that will be held in Salt Lake City next May.   I went to bed after they left.  

13 November 1988 Sunday

I am really feeling blah. Steve Brackenbury called from California today just to visit. He’s enjoying California but said he’s coming back to Utah for Thanksgiving. I called Mom today and she said Grandpa Johnson has moved into the house next to my Uncle J.W. Johnson in Fieldton so no one is living on the farm in Hart Camp anymore except for some tenant. Grandpa had a minor stroke and can’t live by himself  anymore.

            Mom also said that Mom and Dad saw the Battrealls who used to be our neighbors on Dale Street in Garden Grove for about 10 years when I was growing up. Their son Danny was my best childhood play friend. I guess they live about 5 miles from Mom and Dad in Victorville. Circles.

            Dave Malmstrom came over for the Beyond Stonewall meeting but John Bush was a no show.  So we talked about planning the community Thanksgiving Dinner. John later called to apologize that he forgot about our Beyond Stonewall meeting tonight at 6 so we rescheduled it for tomorrow. We visited a little.

            David Sharpton called me this evening and said he embarrassed Rob Ivey at the Love Birds benefit last night by telling the boy Rob was with that Rob and he were boyfriends and that David has AIDS.

I am feeling better but am still worn  down.  

14 November 1988 Monday-

A storm blew in this morning. It was raining when Susan McCoy and I left Salt Lake at 7 but in a few minutes the rain turned into sleet and then snow. It was the first snow storm of the season.  The skiers should be happy but I am not. Yuck. The kids were all wet and cold the entire day.

            I am still feeling down for my cold and blowing my nose a lot. Still I feel like I am getting better.

            I stayed home and did up my bills. I hadn’t paid anything since the first of October. I also graded papers but didn’t do much else until 6 when I held a Beyond Stonewall ‘89 organizational meeting with John Bush and Dave Malmstrom. I got their signatures on the savings account. We decided to go ahead and get Tee-shirts printed up to sell for fund raising. Our next meeting will be on December 5^th at my apartment and I said I would call to remind them.

            I was surprised when Mike Pipkin dropped by for a while to visit. He said he was still out of work so I gave him 12 packets of Top Ramen to help him out. It was about all I had.  

15 November 1988-Tuesday-

I stayed late at school until 5 this evening so I didn’t get back into the city until almost 6. I had Susan McCoy drop me off downtown so I could go to my bank and withdraw some money so I could buy some cat food for Billy Cat and some refreshments for Unconditional support. I was too weary to walk all the way home so I just went to the Crossroads Urban Center to set up the meeting. Chuck Whyte was still there at the Citizen Congress office so I had him make an ad on their computer program for the Community Dance we are having on the 10^th of December.

            We had about 35 people at the meeting tonight and we talked about whether Unconditional Support should just support the status quo or continue its radical approaches to being Gay.  affirmation. Allan Peterson only half hearted led the meeting uncomfortable about the controversy that was generated. 

16 November 1988 Wednesday

I stayed home this evening, getting over the sniffles and preparing for my evaluation tomorrow with my principal. I am doing a lesson on synonyms and Cinquains.  The weather has gotten really chilly so I guess our wonderful autumn is over.

            Dan Fahndrich invited me to a party at his place. I am debating whether to go or not depending on how well I feel.  

17 November 1988 Thursday-

I think my lesson went well. I am just glad it’s over. It’s  my first evaluation as a new teacher and the thought of it has been a little stressful.

            At home, Rocky O'Donovan came over to my apartment to discuss writing statement of purpose for the Gay Historical Society. We walked over to the Other place Café to have dinner, visit and discuss a statement of purpose. He was broke so I treated.

            Back home Jon Robles came over for sex and that was nice. 

18 November 1988 Friday-

I had Susan McCoy drop me off downtown again so I could walk over to the P.O. Box so I could check it. I hadn’t in a long time.  We had our first registration for Beyond Stonewall 89 today and it was from Duane Dawson of all people. He sent in a check for $60. Then I walked over to Valley Bank to deposit the check and turn in the signature cards with John Bush and Dave Malmstrom as co signers.

            It was nasty cold out  and I was glad to get back home where it was snuggly and warm. I wanted to go up to the sauna in the HYPER building tonight but I was too tired, especially after Randy Olsen dropped by. He wanted to visit about what happened with Unconditional Support. I am over being mad at him because we have been friends for too long. I told him that I will definitely be stepping down as director in January anyway and then the group can do what it will.

            Randy, who volunteers  at the AIDS Project Utah said the place is on the verge of folding up. He said that Richard Starley is a homophobic fag who is still seeking approval from the straight world. That’s too bad.

Anyway later Davyd Daniels, Steve Barker’s boyfriend, called me to say that he needed  a  place to put someone up. I said that he could use my couch. However the person turned out be Charles Van Dam, and the same man who has been reputing that Gordon B. Hinckley, a councilor in the1st Presidency of the Mormon Church, had been his lover. That should make for interesting reading!  

19 November 1988 Saturday-

I changed the furniture in the living room around and cleaned the apartment for most of the afternoon  before I had a surprise visit from Kay Wiker. He was in town because his mother is very ill and he’s up from California to be with her in Kearns. I’ve know Kay since he was 17 years old back in the late 1970s when he worked for me when I managed the in the Huddle grill in the Union Building on campus and we worked together in the Special Events Center for Gary Ratliff. He came out to Fran and I as Gay when we were living in California and where he moved to Laguna Beach. He’s a bartender in the Boom Boom bar down there.

Anyway we went out to La Fronteras on 4^th South in Glendale for lunch. I treated him to lunch as he’s always treated me whenever he came into own.

After eating we went to Backstreet and the In-between to play pool. It was kind of fun. I haven’t played pool in years and years. Backstreet has put in a decent dance floor in the front half of the bar. It’s really nice.  The middle area where the stage was is closed now.

Over at the In-Between I saw where they had put in a loft and a new dance floor also by expanding where the old Connection café was. It’s a really nice improvement to the bar.  At the In-Between I visited with Donny Eastepp who showed me around the new improvements.  

Tonight was Dan Fahndrich’s party. Kay said he couldn’t go because he had to get back to Kearns but he dropped me off so I wouldn’t have to climb the street up in the Avenue. I was slightly buzzing from the mixed cocktails I had at the bars. Then at the party I was drinking from the bottle of wine I had brought so I was pretty loose.

I was fighting depression being at Dan’s because Billy had once lived here. In Billy’s old bedroom Dan was showing slides from Beyond Stonewall which being in his old room made me melancholy remembering Billy.

I love Dan but he doesn’t know how to throw a party. Rob Ivy was there trying to trick with someone. Dave Reed is still living his dual life as a Gay married man. I’ve been there and done that so no judgment. Poor James Conrad was silently dealing with Frank Fatah’s rejection of James’ love and devotion.

The party contained a mixed crowd of Gays and non Gays so it was kind of bizarre and I was glad to leave.

Don Penrose, his boyfriend  Doug Fenstermacher, and I hung out together and were protective of me as I was getting drunk. They took me home at 11:30 as they were bored at the party too.

Back at my place Don and Doug got me to talking about Billy so much and because I was drunk I gave them my journal to read that deals specifically with Billy and me. I suppose I needed validation that I had a legitimate relationship with Billy.  I suppose I wanted them to understand my loss.  

20 November 1988 Sunday

I woke up this morning weeping over thoughts of Billy. Strange, I thought I was all cried out over that boy. 'Tis the season to be jolly. At 9 this morning I was up and ready to go to church with Rocky O'Donovan and his boyfriend Robert Erichssen. We walked  over to the Friends Meeting on 1069 East 2^nd South.  I loved the Quaker meeting and they are totally Gay friendly.

In the evening I went to KRCL and did a program with Becky Moss and Jim Rieger the new co-host of Concerning Gays and Lesbians. Becky did a program on Lesbian Nuns Breaking the Silence, and edited an interview she did with some other Lesbians. I mostly just helped with the introduction and picking out music.  I won’t have to come back in until December 11^th.  

21 November 1988 Monday-

I am so glad it was an early out day for the kids at work. I was tired but decided to up to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union this evening although it’s extremely cold outside. It really is winter now. Yuck. Richard Rodriguez gave the same presentation he did for his workshop at Beyond Stonewall so I finally got to hear it.  He’s such an intelligent man. Jim Hunsaker gave me a ride back home down the hill. He said that Billy Bikowski was at Affirmation yesterday so he’ll probably be at the Thanksgiving Dinner that was announced there.  

22 November 1988 Tuesday-

President Kennedy was assassinated 25 years ago today. I was sitting in my 7^th Grade science class at Hare Junior High right before lunch when we were told the news. I will never forget it.

            Today was an interesting and sweet day. There was no Unconditional Support meeting tonight because the Crossroads Urban Center was totally filled with food to be distributed tomorrow.

I had planned on staying home all evening to finally an episode of “Roseanne” which because it is on Tuesday nights I never get to watch. It’s Ben Barr’s sisters new show. Well in the middle of it I get a phone call from Chuck Whyte saying someone came to the center needing someone to talk to. I thought “Oh shit why can’t I be left alone”, but I told Chuck to send the guy over.

Well this sweet man named Michael Backman shows up and I could tell from his eyes that he was in a lot of pain. He said that he was just coming out and I let him cry in my arms and then got him to laugh. I told him his Gayness is a cause of celebration not sadness. Well he’s a Sunday school teacher at the Unitarian Church and a friend of Neil Hoyt.

Eventually I reached over to kiss him and it seemed the right and natural thing to do. Before we knew it, it was 1 in the morning because the time just flew by. I had an immediate connection with this sweet man and we made a date for Friday.  

23 November 1988 Wednesday-

It was a hectic day but was an early out. The room mothers threw together a Thanksgiving Party for the kids.

At home I made six pumpkin pies and one apple pie as well as plenty of corn bread dressing for the Community Thanksgiving Dinner tomorrow. Michael Pipkin is coming over tomorrow to help prepare the dinner. Becky Moss donated a turkey and I bought a ham. 

When Chuck Thomas the new director of Affirmation called he said Affirmation hadn’t bought a turkey at all. I was mad and said I thought we all agreed that each organization sponsoring the dinner would furnish a turkey. So I talked to Dave Malmstrom and he said that he would go get a turkey for Affirmation’s contribution. God what were they thinking? I spent most of the evening reminding people what to bring.

I thought about Sweet Michael Backman a lot today but he said he wouldn’t make it to the Thanksgiving dinner because he says he’s too shy.  

24 November 1988 Thursday-

Today is Thanksgiving and what a bizarre day. It snowed last night and everything is covered.  Mike Pipkin came over this morning at 9 but it was nearly 10:30 before we could round someone up to take us to the Unitarian Church where we were to do all the cooking. 

Danny Brujillo and his lover Kevin Clark were happy to take us up. Mike and I had a fun time preparing the turkeys, peeling 20 pounds of potatoes, making gravy,  baking the dressing, and setting up the tables. In the afternoon

Ben Barr and his boyfriend John Peterson dropped in and they helped us set up the chairs and tables for about fifty people. They were the only ones who helped us all day. Their loss however, because I think it’s fun fixing dinner in the kitchen with your Gay family.

Anyway Mike Pipkin decorated the church just beautifully and it looked all so elegant with the candles on the tables  and the color lights that were  set to enhance the mood. Oh Mary Its takes a Fairy to make something beautiful.

About 6 in the evening people started arriving including this Lesbian folk singer and her spouse from Long Beach, California that Becky Moss had arranged to perform for us.

I was drinking Mogen David wine, which Ben Barr calls Jewish Kool-aid, for most of the day until dinner. We had 45 or more people for dinner and a really special time was had by all, I think.

This woman named Chris, who I knew from last year when we did a panel together on homosexuality at Weber State in Ogden, introduced me to her husband Alan Scott. He was a sexy and sweet looking man and me being slightly inebriated, I couldn’t keep my hands off of him. Being very affectionate when I’m drinking, I started kissing him. I don’t know what he must have thought but must have liked it because we made a dinner date for Sunday.

Then Mike Pipkin came to me and informed me that Michael Backman was here after all and was asking for me. I thought “Oh fuck”. Why is it when I haven’t met anyone decent in months, I have to meet two at the same time.  So I asked Mike to go distract Alan Scott while I go talk to Michael Backman.  Mike was more than happy to oblige because he thought Alan was cute also.

Anyway I took Michael back into the church’s darken hallway and said to him, “Why didn’t you come sooner, before I met someone that I find really special?” Michael then said that he wasn’t ready for me and that he’s just coming out. He said what he needed was really a friend more than a lover. I told him that those words hurt me because my ex-lover used to always say the same words to me. I  told Michael that if I was only to become his friend I no longer can hold you in my arms and kiss  because I won’t become anymore emotionally involved with you than I am now. I said it’s called survival. However I encouraged him to come to Unconditional Support because it is for people like him seeking friends and a community.  It was founded for that purpose.

Anyway we canceled our date for Friday and said goodbye. The encounter, rather than being disastrous like a year ago with Mark Brinkhaus who also said he just wanted to be friends with me, God provided a sweet gentle soul named Alan who was standing in the kitchen.

So I went back to see Alan. I kind of felt like a bastard leaving him to talk to Michael but I truly wasn’t playing games. I cared for both if these dear men. I am strangely attracted to Alan. Maybe it’s just the wine. Maybe it’s a need deep within me to be loved but I know my feelings. I know when there’s something more.

After the dinner we had a dance in the social hall  but I only got to have one dance with Alan. The rest of the evening seemed hazy with so much going on. I don’t when people came and went. I was just happy being with Alan.

Anyway I stayed at the Unitarian Church with Dave Malmstrom and Mike Pipkin, until 1 in the morning even though the dinner and dance ended at 11:30. We had to put all the tables and chairs away. Take down the decorations and clean the kitchen. Dave gave Mike and me a ride home and I was in bed by 1:30. 

25 November 1988 Friday-

            I think I’ve caught another cold. I spent much of the day cleaning up my apartment and putting away all the dishes, pots and pans I had brought up to the church last night. Then I went downtown to get some money out of the bank so I could buy some groceries. I mostly just collapsed and rested from yesterday’s big doings.

            I am a little sad over Michael Backman but excited about going out with Alan Scott this Sunday.

At 3 in the afternoon I went over to Steve Barker’s condo in the Belvedere on State Street where his boyfriend Davyyd Daniels was living and Charles Van Dam was staying. He was the same fellow that Davvyd had wanted for me to put him up but he was too ill to move. So I went over there to interview Van Dam with my tape recorder and I stayed there until about 5 when Steve Barker came home. I guess Davyyd and Steve are official lovers now.

Charles Van Dam is dying of AIDS and is up from Phoenix, Arizona to try some illegal experimental drugs that a doctor named Dr. Morrow here is testing.  Chuck as he liked to be called was very weak, frail, and laid on a mattress on the floor. Several times during the interview, I had to stop my cassette tape so I could hold a bowl for him to vomit into.  The AZT he was taking causes him to be very nauseous.

Anyway it is hard to believe and hard not to believe his story about having sex with Gordon B. Hinckley. What does a man on his death bed gain from slandering a Mormon Apostle? If he wanted the publicity why wouldn’t he accuse Ezra Taft Benson the Mormon Prophet. No one outside of the Mormon Church has ever even heard of Hinckley.

Van Dam claimed that Hinckley was not his lover but rather he had attended sex parties with him in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s before he became a big man in the Mormon Church. Chuck Van Dam had a house in Olympus Grove which was in his name only so it could not be traced to the Hunter Brothers who had a car dealership in Salt Lake.

Van Dam said he worked for them but he mainly procured Gay men and party girls for the sex parties for the Hunter Brother’s select friends and clients. Hinckley had according to Van Dam, at the time, financial dealings with the Hunters and attended some of these sex parties. While Hinckley mostly had sexual relations with females he did have anal intercourse twice with Van Dam being passive, according to Van Dam. 

I asked Van Dam some questions about what the Gay community in Salt Lake was like in the 1950’s and 60’s as test questions and he seemed to know the right answers. However I don’t think Chuck Van Dam is completely accurate on his details and is rather vague on some dates. It is hard to tell what he might be making up and what he remembers from 25 years ago through the haze of AIDS.

He also said that he was a grand nephew of President George Albert Smith and that Paul Van Dam, the Attorney General is one of his cousins. That should be fairly easy to verify.

I have over an hour of tape on Mr. Van Dam for The Gay and Lesbian Historical Society of Utah. However, my having this tape is making me a little nervous if any of the allegations he is making about an extremely powerful and perhaps morally corrupt man is true.

Van Dam was getting weaker and weaker so I cut the interview short and said I’d come back tomorrow for the rest of his story.  

26 November 1988 Saturday-

I went back over to Steve Barker’s condo to finish my interview with Van Dam only to find Davyyd Daniels in the middle of a crisis with him. Chuck Van Dam had during the night lost his communication skills with nothing coming out of his mouth but gibberish.

We struggled with him to take him unwillingly to the Holy Cross Emergency room where Dr. Kristen Reis met us.  She felt that Chuck had a mild stroke and had lost his ability to be coherent which was causing him to be so agitated.

Since there was little more I could do for the poor man, I walked home from Holy Cross. Poor man. After seeing him so helpless, I swear I will kill myself rather than be so incapacitated.

In the news two transients killed a man down in Cedar City in a sex related crime. The judge placed a gag order over the case.  

27 November 1988 Sunday-

I went to my Quaker Meeting this morning with Rocky O’Donovan and Robert Erichssen. There was snow on the ground everywhere so it was cold as we walked over. I am not ready for winter. Ugh. I enjoyed the Meeting again and I’m more and more convinced I want to become a Quaker.

            In the afternoon, I sorted through so much of my Gay Organization files. I also tried to rest up so I would feel okay for my date with Alan Scott. I wasn’t sure if it was still one as I hadn’t heard from him since last Thursday. However at 6 this evening he showed up. I tried to kiss him but he acted kind of reserved. When we got into his car he said to me that he was nervous to tell me something because he thought I’d get angry. I thought “oh Gawd, here it comes the ‘Let’s Be Friends’ speech.”  I was right as it was a modified version of it so I retreated back behind my shell of safety. While he ran into Godfather’s Pizza to retrieve his check book he had left, I almost started to cry. Not two rejections in one week. Please.  So I became aloof and vaguely stand offish at the Pub at Trolley Square where he took me for dinner. I ordered the Onion Soup which was delicious because I didn’t want him spending too much money on dinner.

            I was really beginning to like this man despite my fear of being hurt and rejected by him. But my heart always over rules my head and after a while I let down my barriers again and let myself enjoy  being with him.

            Back in the car after a nice dinner, Alan wanted to go to one of the bars. I suggested the In-Between since my membership to the SUN had expired. Then I reached over to kiss Alan and his mood had changed and he became more responsive to me. At the In-Between we had a wine cooler and we talked and kissed and I wondered “what is going on here?”

            Later we left and went to the Deerhunter but since it was after 10 we didn’t stay as he had a oral examination this week and I have to get up so early tomorrow. As we sat out in the car on 600 East in front of the Juel Apartments, Alan kept asking, "what am I going to do with you?” I said, “take me one day at a time, I suppose.” We made another day for this Friday and Saturday.

Ten years ago  San Francisco City Supervisor, Harvey Milk was assassinated because he was Gay.  

28 November 1988 Monday

Well I am back in the classroom after a hectic four day holiday. It snowed in Sunset for most of the day.

When I came home I called up Alan Scott. I just wanted to hear his voice. I stayed in this evening and corrected papers.  

29 November 1988 Tuesday-

We had about 25 people show up at Unconditional Support tonight. Our topic tonight was “Gays and Psychotherapy: Are we nuts?”

Allan Petersen and Richard Egan surprised me tonight by giving me this long computer printout banner which read OPINIONATED, OBDURATE, BUT ALWAYS LOVEABLE-BEN THANKS!!!  It was a nice surprise and it was signed by all the people of US like a giant card.

Michael Backman didn’t show up at all but Michael Anderson did and it was sweet to see him again. I do love Michael. He can’t help being unreliable. He’s an actor. All actors are flakey

Billy Bikowski also showed up at Unconditional Support. My heart however was safely insulated because of my feelings for Alan Scott who is taking his midterm oral exams for his Master Degree. I hope e is pleased with his presentation/

            After the meeting, as I was clearing the room out, Billy comes up to me and asks if we could talk. I said, “What more is there to say Billy? What haven’t we said over the past two years?”  And he said he is changing and I answered, “never enough for you to ever want me. That will  never change.”

            He then stated that he’s had a part in making me who I am today. Expecting an argument from me I instead quickly agreed. I said, “that’s true.” However I am sure he meant it quite differently than I did.  What does he want from me? I went up to him and held him and he held me tightly back for a very long time.  Suddenly I felt my need for him wasn’t there anymore. I whispered, “Billy, I can’t take away your pain.” I then looked into his beautiful blue eyes and saw a tortured soul.  I then said Billy we are at cross purposes. I can never have you leave me again and you never will be able not to leave me.”

            Billy said we should talk some more and so I said walk me home but then again like a knife in my heart he said he couldn’t because he had a date with Stan, It’s always the same. Nothing changes. He will always leave me for someone else. I will never be his number one.

            Don Penrose and Doug Fenstermacher when he saw me with Billy had stayed behind. They had read my journaling about Billy and were quite concerned but I said to them as they took me home, “Not to be. I am dating a very sweet and sexy man who kicks Billy right out of my head.”

            I just wish that Billy would leave me alone. Why can’t he leave me alone? Billy calls me “Ben-he-men”, his pet name for me. But does he love me?  No he doesn’t  and he has plainly and clearly stated that to me time and time again.  Billy needs me but that is not the same as being in love with me. Not at all.  

30 November 1988 Wednesday

I woke up this morning with Billy Bikowski still on my mind. What does he want from me? Then I thought, “What do I want from him?” I’ve conditioned myself for the last past two and a half years to always put his needs first. No more.  When and If Billy ever comes to me again I will simply say “kiss me.”  And if he won’t it will reinforced the fact that he doesn’t love me. I don’t want to give Billy anymore energy I want to build something with my new “Bud”, Alan Scott.

            I called him three times yesterday but he wasn’t home. I was slightly disappointed. I just wanted to hear his voice, I needed to hear his voice. But I am excited about dates for Friday and Saturday.

            I told Don Penrose and Doug Fenstermacher than Alan excites me and kicks Billy out of my head, He seems so safe and strong and caring and sweet and sexy and practical.  I told him last Monday I love him. Do I?

            I know myself. It’s different than from John Cunningham, Russ Lane, and Billy but more like the love I had for Michael Allred and Fran.

            I guess I haven’t felt any pain and I’m conditioned lately of experiencing pain in a relationship and a dull ache in my heart while being in unrequited love. Billy was bitter sweet with lots of sharp bitters. So far Alan’s been milk chocolate , sweet and delightful. That scares me. I’m afraid to fall in love. The fall is too great and the landing too hard.

Chris Brown called me this evening with some distressing news which I have been crying over since I’ve heard. Some young man from Cedar City was Gay bashed and killed last week. He was picked up by two men who tortured him before killing him by shoving a tire iron up his ass and then putting a jumper cable on his dick before castrating him. Chris said the Cedar City police is hardly pursuing the case because of the kind of the attitude that if he wasn’t a queer he wouldn’t have been killed. I am so outraged and full of sorrow.

What a hateful evil world this is and people actually condoning evil. People like Jesse Helms, Joy Beech, Orin Hatch, and the queer baiters in the Mormon church all running around loose and respectable. They will all answer to a just loving God for their evil against His Gay children.

Chris Brown was so upset that he said that he hates heterosexuals. The only reason he knew about the killing was from people in the Gay community of Cedar City.  How many of us do people in Utah want to see dead before they are satisfied?

What a sad way to end the month of November. Let there be peace on Earth and let it being with me.

I miss Alan and tried calling him repeatedly  but he’s not at home. But then at 9:45 tonight, Alan called and wanted to come over to show me his new toy. He bought a truck. I needed him to come over as I was feeling so full of rage and tears.  His presence  perked me right up. We talked for about an hour before going for a drive downtown to see the Christmas lights in the city. It was so sweet being with him.  I told him about Billy and how he is so much better for me. So the end of the month ended being better after all.