July 1988

1 July 1988 Friday

It’s the first day of the last half of the year and I spent most of the day frustrated and angry perhaps because I am scared about Beyond Stonewall not being successful but that’s silly because it’s going to be great. 

            I was up at 8 this morning when Randy Olsen called just to talk. He said he was frustrated at work because his boss at Albertson’s is homophobic and giving him shit. 

            Anyway at 9 Ken Francis called to say he wouldn’t be going up to Camp Rogers with John Reeves and me because of his boyfriend James Zuckle didn’t want him to go now that they are back together. James wants Ken to move to California.  May be that would be a good thing for Ken.

So  John Reeves and I went by ourselves as that Mark Lamar was to tired from being out all night at Club 14. We drove up to Camp Rogers and the only other member of the committee to come up was Neil Hoyt. At the Soapstone Basin we looked around and it sure looks different in the summer time than it did last April. It’s so beautiful.

After coming back home John and I just visited until 5 in the afternoon when we picked up the Triangles Magazine for distribution. We put over 500 Beyond Stonewall fliers in the July Issue. We also got the PO Box key back from Chuck Whyte and found two more registrations there.

Ken Francis helped me distribute 400 Triangles and John Reeves and Mark Lamar distributed about 600 to the bars.  I told Satu Servigna that we would be running the Beyond Stonewall ad again in the next issue.

At 10:30 tonight I went out dancing at the In-between but I was only out until midnight. When anytime someone there button holed me for some support I came right back at them about supporting Beyond Stonewall. I asked Bruce Harmon if he would push Beyond Stonewall at the Royal Court meeting next week.  I said it’s only fair after all the support we have given the court.  I am pulling in all my chips on this one.  I’ll see who pays up and who doesn’t.

2 July 1988 Saturday-

I am so disappointed in Ken Francis, Mark Lamar and Randy Olsen. None of them showed up for the community dance when it was Unconditional Support’s turn to host it.  If you can’t depend on your friends who can you?

            I went to the HYPER building this morning for the first time in months to weigh myself which I did at 193 pounds and also to sit in the sauna. A closeted homosexual was cruising me but like Romanovsky and Phillips say “Give me a homosexual who knows how to love in a homo-emotional way.”

            I saw Ben Barr in the locker room as I was leaving. He said that Patty Reagan definitely wants to do a workshop at Beyond Stonewall. That perked me right up.  So I cruised Orson Spencer Hall’s men’s room  where I saw two cute guys jerking each other off. Interesting.

            Mark Lamar has been at the bathhouse for the last three nights and I go OSH. Big Deal. It’s not want I really want. A substitute for love. I’m trying desperately to find someone to love and who will love me back but in all the wrong places.

I was upset with Mark when he said he was going to the bath house at Club 14 instead of the community dance. John Reeves was suppose to have picked me up at 8 this evening but when he didn’t show I called Ken Francis up and pleaded with me to take me down to set up even if he wasn’t going to the dance.  He agreed but I was really, really, really upset with him. Although I didn’t say anything to him and held my tongue, Ken knew I was mad.

So I was left alone at the Salt Lake Community Center alone to pull this dance together.  I was so mad I wanted to cry. John Reeves showed up about 8:30 with Geofff McGrath from the Provo’s Men Group and finally others began to arrive and they kind of  helped me set the place up.

However hardly anyone showed up, only about 25 to 30 people but the ones who did had a lot of fun.  Chuck Thomas came again without Russ Lane. Hmmm what is going on there I wonder?

I had to sit and take money most of the evening but did get to dance some. John and Geoff left early and I shut the dance down at midnight. I told Richard Morris that if he was going to Beyond Stonewall that he could go at our cost for all that he does for the Gay Community. He was thrilled.

David Malmstrom took me home after the dance but we stopped first at Village Inn on 4^th South to have a late snack and to talk about our leadership concerns. He’s getting really burned out on Affirmation.  He says he’s out grown it. I am sure he has. We both were singing the leadership blues but the bottom line was that we knew we were doing good things and having a positive impact on people’s lives.

3 July 1988 Sunday-

I didn’t get to bed until after 2:30 so I didn’t get up until almost 11. Mark Lamar was home from Club 14 and I was rather cool with him. He asked me what was wrong and I blasted him with both barrels. I kept asking where are your priorities? Where are your fucking loyalties? I really let him have it. I only wish I could have had Ken Francis and Randy Olson to yell at too.

            I’ve cut Mike Anderson out of my life, not because I don’t love him, I do  nut I don’t have the energy to let him be irresponsible to me when I needed him. If  I can let him go, I surely can the rest and I really love Mark.

            I told Mark I put up with a lot of shit from Billy Bikowski only because I was “in love” with him and he wasn’t just a “friend”.  However I don’t put up with being let down and hurt by my “friends.” I know he felt bad but tough.

John Reeves came over in the afternoon and we put together the registration packets for Beyond Stonewall. After he left, I walked over to Memory Grove to lay out in the sun and watch the boys play volleyball.

In the evening I went to Affirmation to promote Beyond Stonewall again.  It was their Pot Luck evening and only about 12 people were there. My old friend Craig Hunter was there and he took me outside to tell me that Duane Dawson was stabbing me in the back. He said he heard him talking about me to several people at The Sun, running me down, attacking my looks, personality, and what I am doing in the community.  It hurt my feelings at first, because I had never had bad feelings towards Duane. I can’t understand why he is being so hateful.  Well I know I am doing the right things and what is Duane doing these days for anyone?

4 July 1988 Monday Independence Day

For most of the day, I stayed home writing up reports for 11 hours . However at 7 this evening, started dropping by the apartment  to go up to the U of U to watch the fireworks at Rice Stadium. Mike Pipkin, Steve Oldroyd, Mark Lamar, John Reeves, Allan Petersen, Dave Omer, Chuck Whyte and I all walked up behind the stadium.

We all were in kind of a bitchy mood but it still was a lot of fun. The Fireworks were amazing. There was a big crowd as usual and the boy watching the pyrotechnics was exciting. 

After coming back to my apartment those who stayed visited until 2 in the morning. Shaun Hughes from The Youth Group and his lover Bob dropped in also to visit. It was good to be up visiting about life and stuff.

After everyone departed I stayed up until 5 in the morning finishing writing up my report.  

5 July 1988 Tuesday-

I was exhausted all day as I went to bed at 5:30 this morning and was up at 8 to drag myself over to Lineages before 9 so I could get paid and  pay my rent.  I only got paid for 20 hours. The 7 hour Belton project  should be on my next paycheck.

            Mark Lamar sat down with me today and had a serious talk. He took my “inventory” and he was pretty right on about me being emotional closed up.

            At Unconditional Support, John Reeves taught a lesson “On the Origins of Homosexuality” which was similar to the workshop he gave at The Desert and Mountain States Conference.

            Afterwards, about six of us went to the show downtown but I can’t recall what we saw as I was so tired I doze through most of it.

6 July 1988 Wednesday

            This morning Mark Lamar said that he was very upset with Rev. Bruce Barton because he was running Beyond Stonewall down at the Royal Court’s business meeting yesterday. He’s saying that the YMCA will call it off and that it will be a flop. He said that its failure will give the Gay community a black eye. Bruce Harmon in fact walked out of the meeting when Mark Lamar announced the retreat. I have no idea why they are acting like this. I am finding out how two faced some people can be. I trust people way too much.

            I walked down to the Central City Community Center on 6^th South to pay $45 for the Community dance on the 16^th. From there I walked up to the Central Library to research information on King James I of England. From there I walked to Memory Grove to meet with representatives of The Youth Group who were holding their summer meetings now in the park. I wanted to make the announcement that Dr. Patty Reagan will be the keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall.

I saw Becky Smith with them there and she seems to be doing fine. She said she has a place now and I told her I’d let her have Carlotta if she takes very good care of her. I’ve grown attached to both her and Billy

When I came home Neil Hoyt dropped over for a meeting about Beyond Stonewall. He stayed until 10.

I heard Bill Badger committed suicide this past weekend. He was an older member of the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church.  I think he was in his 60’s.

7 July 1988 Thursday-

John Reeves took me up to Farmington after giving him some gas money. That was good that he could do that for me. Farmington is where the Davis School District is headquartered. I went to be interviewed as part of a screening process because I’ve applied for a teaching position in that district.  They only have 20 openings this year I was told so I am fortunate to even be considered.  The interview went all right. They always do.

            Anyway later in the afternoon I received a call from a principal in Layton to come and interview tomorrow at 9 in the morning. I called John back up and asked for a ride again. He said no problem taking me.  Mark Lamar said he would go too because he knew exactly where the school is located.

In the evening I went to The Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah. It was announced that the Vice Squad is active in the parks again, busting people at Liberty Park, Jordan Park, Memory Grove, Sunnyside Park, and Ox Bow Park as well as the nude beaches along the Great Salt Lake. Judges are ordering mandatory AIDS testing for people convicted of “sex crimes”. The ACLU is fighting these judges and Ben Barr is on television condemning it.

I announced at Community Council that Dr. Patty Reagan will be the Friday night keynote speaker at Beyond Stonewall. I tried calling Larry White, Emperor of the Royal Court up to discuss supporting the retreat with him since I can’t depend on Bruce Harmon but we never connected up. We Just played phone tag.

8 July 1988 Friday-

I was up at 7 this morning to leave with John Reeves and Mark Lamar to head up to Layton for a job interview. I was interviewed by two women in the 6^th Grade rather than by the principal and I later found out that I didn’t get the job. But I was glad to hear quickly one way or another.  However I did get a call from a Mr. Carlisle, the principal at Woods Cross elementary, for an interview on Monday.

            John thinks I am being too hard on my friends. Perhaps I am. My old childhood friend, Jerry Smith, once told me the same thing many years ago.

I was so surprised and delighted to see Mark Brinkhaus on my doorstep this afternoon. I fixed him some lunch and we visited about  how things are with him in Chicago. He said he will probably stay in the country and not return to Germany. We made a date to go out dancing tomorrow. He said he couldn’t stay out late tonight because he is going hiking tomorrow morning. It was swell seeing him again and he is a beautiful as ever.  I suppose I am still carrying a torch for him. I did love him. Perhaps I still do.

Anyway thus evening John and I put up Beyond Stonewall Posters in all the bars and in the bath house.  Then we went out dancing at the SUN but didn’t stay out late as I was tired. Perhaps a little upset that I didn’t get that teaching contract.  

9 July 1988 Saturday-

Mom called this morning to say that money for the house went through so they will have to packed up and out of the house  around the first of August. Some Vietnamese family is buying our house. She said my cousin John Johnson bought a farm near Fieldton, Texas close to his folks J.W. and Pauline.

Life is strange. The demography of Orange County will probably be someday mostly Mexicans and Asians. AND WHY NOT? We had our day in the sun. Now it’s someone else’s turn to enjoy our house.

I spent most of the day making posters for Beyond Stonewall.  I only went out once and that was cash a check for John Reeves. We watched videos all day on Mark Lamar’s VCR player. I should never get a VCR player or I’d never get anything accomplished.

            About 9 at night Mark Brinkhaus dropped by to take Mark Lamar and I out to the bars. We went to The Deerhunter first and had a few beers there and then to the In-between.  It was a warm beautiful night out and I was enjoying myself until I learned that Mark is dating someone in Chicago and is not emotionally available to be with me.  I will not let myself get attached again to someone unattainable.

On the way out of the In-Between, I found this kid outside on the ground who had fallen off his bike unto the sidewalk. He was so drunk.  I got Mark Brinkhaus and Mark Lamar  to help me get him up on his feet.

The In-between where he had gotten so drunk,  didn’t have any coffee and Bobby Dupree, the owner, said that he didn’t want him in the bar and to keep him out. I found out just how caring some people are and how ugly some people are.

The kid was awfully drunk but not drunk enough to not let me know how scared and lonely he was. The In-between use to be my favorite bar but now I am not sure I want to patronage it.

Mark Brinkhaus helped me get the kid home to his place.

10 July 1988 Sunday-

It’s the 10^th of July already which always has been a special kind of day for me. Summer is like downhill for me from here on in. I wonder if I was conceived on July 10thI slept in until 10:30 this morning and it felt good after not having gone to bed until 3:30 last night. Well Mark Brinkhaus has gone back to Chicago. He flew back  this morning.

I wrote up my historical column for The Triangle Community Digest on King James I of England.  Randy Olsen dropped by to visit and I had him take me to Satu Servigna to deliver my column.

It was hot out today, the little I was outside. I mainly watched Videos on the VCR with Mark Lamar until About 7. Ben Barr then came over and took Mark Lamar and me to KRCL to meet up with Becky Moss. We did two radio program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians. I interviewed Ben Barr about his work at the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation. We also did a show about Pride Day which is next Sunday. As we did two shows, we won’t have to return until the 24^th .

Is it time to leave Utah yet? Does God want me somewhere else? If I get a teaching contract for this fall it will be a sign to me that God wants me to stay here in Salt Lake City fighting heterosexual oppression and liberating Gays from their own internal homophobia.  If I can be of service here, I will stay. Otherwise perhaps New Mexico calls me to another home.

John Reeves the other day said I have extreme views. I said, “It’s hard being an extremist without being extreme.”  Challenge, push, forever forward in the cause of social justice and the end of bigotry.  I just feel like we truly magnify God’s creation by our diversity not are sameness.

I do believe in dualism where tow supreme forces in the world fight for dominance, good and evil or love versus hate. “by their fruit ye shall know them’.”

The Restoration Church once just had two questions for their Temple Recommend: “Do you love God and how do you show it? Do you love your neighbor and how do you show it?” 

In five years when we are all either dead, dying, or taking care of the dead and dying, who then will have the strength to stay in a closet. How sad to be a Rock Hudson faggot with only a deathbed confession to be authentic at last. .

11 July 1988 Monday-

I went for a job interview with Mr. Carlyle, the principal at 9 this morning at Woods Cross Elementary. John Reeves was able to take me.  Seven people were being interviewed for the position so I don’t if I will get it as I don’t have any recent experience.  I haven’t  been in a class room for nearly 7 years.
            I don’t do much else for the rest of the day except write up a report on the 12 hours of research I did to turn into Lineages tomorrow.
            Mark Lamar attended a Gay Pride Planning meeting today and he said that  Rev. Bruce Barton is getting the Kristen Reis Award this year. No one is supposed to know yet. It was another hot, hot, hot day.

In the news a Gay man was shot at Jordan Park last night and died this morning. Mark said his name was Gordon Winslow and had been a member of the Royal Court.

12 July 1988 Tuesday-

I was paid $159 today then I went back to bed and slept until 1 in the afternoon. Evidently I needed to catch up on my sleep.

I made banana nut bread and cream cheese sandwiches for Unconditional Support tonight.  Our discussion was on the topic of “What Scares You About Being gay”.  I had people anonymously write down their fears and then drew them out of a basket and discussed the ones we read.

My premises is that I think that we as Gay men are more alike than different and that we probably share common anxieties and I was right.  The overwhelming number said that their main fear was being lonely and growing older all alone.  So we discussed our fears and it was a good meeting although I felt like Jim Hunsaker was attacking me for some reason tonight.

Anyway after the meeting, some of us went to the show and saw Kevin Costner in “Bull Durham”. I really liked it

The Salt Lake AIDS Foundation is in the news with Ben Barr being controversial. He wants to distribute condoms at The Neighborhood Fair at Liberty Park on Pioneer Day.  The Mayor’s office said no way.

Mark Lamar reported that at the Royal Court’s General Meeting Emperor Larry White made a speech about Beyond Stonewall asking members to support it. I hope that will help us out.

13 July 1988 Wednesday-

I received a letter from Woods Cross today saying I did not get the position. Oh well. I figured that. I have another interview in Kaysville at Burton Elementary on the 18^th with the principal Kent Larsen. Funny that is the name of my old Cypress College friend.

            Anyway Bruce Harmon called and said that Johni Cerny and Wendy want me to come into the office to see them. I said I would tomorrow at 9 in the morning. I wonder what for? I wonder if I am going to get fired. Oh well. Life will go on. Still being summoned by the big boss is kind of stressing me out.

            A kid named Ken Carlson dropped by this evening to give me an article to take to Satu Servigna.

            Bob Brown the Juel Apartment manager that he is leaving as he found a better job managing an apartment building in the Avenues. Oh well. He and his wife have been the managers here since I moved here in 1986. He knows that at least a third of the tenants here are Gay and doesn’t care. More changes.

Mark Lamar and I went out walking to get out. We went first  down to the post office Box on 2^nd South down past the Salt Palace, then to Guardian Bank to deposit some Beyond Stonewall fees and the window shopping at the Crossroads Mall.

Actually I’ve enjoyed Mark being here even if he’s a bit flighty and slutty. I suppose it’s in our DNA. I’m just not sure we should live together or not. He would be a good roommate except that he smokes although he’s trying to quit. We have known each other forever, 2 years at least.  Mark has been working his ass off for Gay Pride Day getting booths rented out. He’s gotten about 30 so far he said.

In the evening I went to the show with John Reeves at the dollar theaters in West Valley and saw “The Last Emperor”.  It was good but kind of long or maybe I was tired.

John Reeves is discouraged about not finding a college position here and said he may move to Boston where his son and daughter in law lives. He said there would be so many more job opportunities there without all the Mormon baggage. That kind of bummed me out because I have come to rely so much on John’s kindness and intellect.

It was kind of humid out today. There were newspaper articles on the controversy of Ben Barr wanting the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation Booth at the Neighborhood Fair to hand out condoms. Mayor Palmer Depaulis is dead set against it and the ACLU says that the mayor office is violating SLAF’s First Amendment rights.

14 July 1988 Thursday

I walked up to Lineages to be there for the 9 in the morning only Wendy didn’t show up. So I said I’d come back at 2 which I did. Then Wendy said that the two projects I turned in on Tuesday were not acceptable and I had to redo them. I stood up to her and said, “I did my best effort” and expect to be paid for the hours I did. She was pissed but I didn’t much care if she was. I am tired of being used.

15 July 1988 Friday

It was another hot day as its been in the high 90’s for so long but fortunately I work where there’s air conditioning and my basement apartment is cool so I don’t feel that uncomfortable.

I spent a lot of today making signs for our booth at Gay Pride Day on Sunday.  Unconditional Support will have a booth there but I know I’ll end up being the only person to man it.

I went out in the evening dancing at the In-Between but didn’t stay long.

16 July 1988 Saturday-

John Reeves and I picked up 100 giant chocolate chip cookies we bought from the U of U for at 35 cents to sell tomorrow at our booth. 

In the evening I went to the Central City Community Center for the dance tonight at 9. Another small turn out but we made $45 enough to hold another dance in August. 

After the dance was over I went out with Dave Malmstrom, Allan Petersen, and Richard Morris to Village Inn where we visited until 3 in the morning. People are getting so excited about Beyond Stonewall but I’m just feeling anxious.

17 July 1988-Sunday Gay Pride Day

John Reeves and Geoff McGrath from the Provo’s Men’s Group came by to pick me up at 9:30. I was a zombie however from being up so late.

At Sunnyside Park, I helped set up our booth and I displayed the panel I made for Tracy Ross as part of the Utah AIDS Quilt project. I hope to stimulate some more interest in the project as it kind of has disbanded as everyone else has given up on it.

I sold the giant Chocolate Chip cookies for a $1 from our booth.  Mark Lamar was walking around all day wearing a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, a security head set phone, a T-shirt and a Speedo swim suit. 

 The Saliva Sisters performed and were great as usual.  Floyd Gamble was the chair Pride Day this year and Bruce Barton was given the Dr. Kristen Ries Award for Community Service.

Later I heard from Mark that about 1,200 people showed up throughout the day this year.  Amazing as that was nearly 4 times what we had in two years ago.

I talked to Barbara Dickey who said she had seen Fran at the SUN last Saturday with two girls from Provo.

Anyway at 3 in the afternoon while I was out talking to James Conrad, Billy Bikowski rides up on his new mountain bike. I just bolted back to the Unconditional Support for safety from him even though my eyes were riveted on him. Shortly there after he comes over and says to me, “Why did you feel like you had to run away?”

At first I just froze icily, but his radiance melted me and I walked over to him and threw my arms around him and burst into tears. I whispered, After all this time, I miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.”  At that point he held me and I let him while I was crying in his arms.

From that point on I could not focus on anything else and I don’t remember much of anything else. All I remember is being by Billy’s side for the rest of the day. We went somewhere more isolated, sat on the grass, and visited until Pride Day was over.

I held on to him like he was one come back from the dead.  I breathed in deeply his musk and made the world around me disappear.

When Pride Day closed, I suppose John and Mark cleared out the Unconditional Support booth as that Billy and I walked down to the Affirmation at the Unitarian Church on 13^th South.  We didn’t go inside but lay on the cool grass out front . I was at his side, holding on to his arm all evening as if he was a fairy gift that would fade away.

When Affirmation let out, we walked home but there at 9^th East and 3^rd South, Billy saw a friend of his and he left me to go be with him.  He was gone again just like that out of my life.

I walked on home, mentally in anguish, so much I thought I was having a breakdown. In the apartment Mark saw how distraught I was and asked if I was okay. I just fell into his arms and cried feeling so sick inside. Why does Billy always leave me for someone else?

18 July 1988 Monday

I went to Kaysville to be interviewed but did not care about anything. I just wanted to cry all day long brokenhearted.

19 July 1988 Tuesday

I had Mark Lamar do the lesson tonight at Unconditional Support because I was still recovering from last Sunday. He discussed as the topic “Our Fantasy Man” and he did a good job of it. 

Afterwards a few of us went to the show and saw “Big Business” with Lilly Tomlin and Bette Midler in it.

I am so sore. I feel like I was beat up with a baseball bat.

I picked up my paycheck and they tried only paying me for 6 hours!

20 July 1988 Wednesday

It was over 100 degrees again. Mark Lamar and I went to the genealogy library to look up his Lamar ancestors. He ordered a pizza for us this evening.

21 July 1988 Thursday

I am mentally starting to pull myself back together but physically I am a wreck. Every joint in my body from my fingers toes, ankles, knees, arms, back and neck ache so much. I can hardly move at all. Mt feet have broken out in hives. The rash doesn’t itch much but I have never had anything hit me so hard before. How can Billy Bikowski affect me so dramatically? It’s frightening.

            In the evening Mark Lamar and I went to the Days of 47 Rodeo at the Salt Palace. He had never been to a rodeo before and I don’t think I have in at least 20 years. Being there made me homesick for Texas and going to the Old Cowboy Reunion Rodeo at Stamford with my grandma and grandpa Johnson.

            While we were walking home, we saw Becky Smith out with others hanging out on Broadway and Main. She said that Carlotta the cat was finally adjusting to her new home.

22 July 1988 Friday-

            I still can’t mentally focus on anything or anyone but I am getting better. I am so worn out. It’s scary. I don’t have any strength in my limbs.

In the evening I went with John Reeves to distribute Stonewall fliers and John stepped off the curb wrong and twisted his ankle. So we two cripples are a real mess.

23 July 1988 Saturday-

This morning at 9 Beau Chaine, Dan Fahndrich, John Reeves, and I drove up to Camp Rogers to check things out. Beau is going to make large welcoming banners for Beyond Stonewall. While at the camp site Dan Fahndrich checked out the nature hiking trails.  Beau Chaine also told me to take some PMS Midol for the pain I am in. He gave me some and they really worked.

24 July 1988 Sunday

I went to Affirmation to promote Beyond Stonewall for the last time and about 5 more people registered.  I am very anxious and scared about whether we can pull off Beyond Stonewall.

            I was worried I might see Billy Bikowski at Affirmation but I left before I had the chance to run into him. I should never, really ever, see him again because he literally makes me physically ill.

25 July 1988 Monday

The state celebrated Pioneer Day today as a holiday since the 24^th was a Sunday. I spent all day at the Neighborhood Fair in Liberty Park helping out at the Salt Lake AIDS Foundation booth, handing out literature about AIDS. Mark Lamar was the ultimate salesman selling over fifty AIDS T-shirts with safe sex slogans on them at $10 apiece. I read a real nasty letter to the Editor of the Salt Lake Tribune written by Richard Starley, Executive Director of Utah AIDS Project. He was attacking Ben Barr for wanting to distribute condoms at the Neighborhood Fair.

            At 9:30 at night, a bunch of us from Unconditional Support sat together to watch the fireworks. It was good to see Michael Anderson again. I was so afraid that I might see Billy Bikowski in the park but I didn’t. It was two years ago that I first saw him riding his bike through the park, my golden boy.

26 July 1988 Tuesday

Mark Lamar moved out today into his own apartment. It’s for the bets. I’m alone again. It feels like two years ago when I left Fran and I was all alone. What am I going to do with my life. Lineages is trying to cheat me out of money. I am so over them. I don’t think I will do anymore work for them since I put in so much time and only get paid for the information I find and not for the hours I spend researching and writing projects up.

 I doubt if I ever see my last pay check from Utah Title and rent is due soon. I am so tired of being poor.  I know God will provide but times they are a-changing.

27 July 1988 Wednesday

It’s a full moon out and it showered briefly for the first time since last May.  Mark Lamar is gone now and I’m “Alone Again Naturally.” I was at the central library a lot today getting my workshop pulled together that I am doing at Beyond Stonewall on Gay Activism. 

Awful news. Eric Christensen is in the LDS hospital after having tried to commit suicide by over dosing on Tylenol.  Shawn Hughes is really upset since they are best friends. Thank God he’s going to be okay. Eric has had a hard time dealing with being Gay and Mormon.

I spent some time on the phone with Ben Barr today talking about all the workshops we have going for Beyond Stonewall. We have done all this without any help from the Royal Court, or the bars, and without one fucking drag show! Yeah!

I sold the waterbed and desk back to Mark Lamar for $100. I will need the money to pay rent.

28 July 1988 Thursday

We had a last minute Beyond Stonewall meeting with James Connelley, Ken Francis, Mike Buck, Neil Hoyt, John Reeves, and myself. We have about 70 people signed up all together. We’re trying to work out last minute details. 

John Reeves is really bummed out because he didn’t get his professor job and nothing seems to be falling in place for him here in Utah. But more so, I think  he’s upset that people don’t grope him. I think sometimes we set ourselves for failure with unrealistic expectations. John is a 55 year old man, a little pudgy, who is after younger guys. I suppose I set myself to fail by still loving Billy Bikowski who doesn’t or ever will love me.

29 July 1988 Friday-

It was a busy day what with the beginning of Beyond Stonewall. John Reeves along with Garth Chamberlain picked me up about 1 in the afternoon. Then we ran around getting last minute items for the retreat. All along the way, from Salt Lake City to Camp Rogers, we plastered signs up to help people find their way so as not to get lost.

 We reached the camp ourselves about 4 and Ken Francis, Mark Lamar and Ben Barr were already there.  We put up the Beyond Stonewall banners that Beau Chaine had made for the Retreat and I cleaned the latrine because it was filthy. The staff didn’t leave it clean it for us after the little kids left earlier in the morning

About 5 more people started to arrive and we handed people their registration packets as Ken Francis, James Connolly and Mark Lamar showed people to their cabins. I believe all in all 69 people showed up for the retreat although more people paid than that.

Dinner was served at 7:30 in the evening with a chicken and rice casserole. I thought it was yummy. The about 8:30 Dr. Patty Reagan arrived with Liz Pitts from the Lesbian and Gay Student Union.  They were the only Lesbians that came up and left after the campfire.

Geoff McGrath and I went down to campfire site and started the bonfire for the Keynote speech which began at 9. Dr. Patty Reagan spoke on Gay and Lesbian History and she was spell binding.  The camp fire really set the perfect mood for the retreat.

After her talk, she brought out her guitar and we sang camp fire songs, mostly folk songs that we all grew up with.  It was such a wonderfully bonding event. We ended the Campfire program at 11:30 with a group hug.

Then most people stayed and toasted marshmallows over the dying campfire and told jokes, just breaking down barriers and getting to know each other better.

Sleeping in the staff cabin were John Reeves, Ben Barr, Mike Buck, Mark Lamar, Ken Francis, James Connelley, Randy Olsen, and myself. However Randy Olsen and Ken Francis were full of ginger and were giggle boxes all night.  I think they even eventually got up in the middle of the night and went outside to revel with others in the moonlight. But I just went to sleep exhausted.

30 July 1988 Saturday

I was sore and stiff for much of the day, still living on PMS Midol for the whole weekend.  After a breakfast of French Toast, our first set of workshops began. Richard Rodriguez spoke on “Gay Identity”, John Gatzmeyer’s session was on “New Age Realities For Gay Men”, and Ben Barr did a workshop on “Safer Sex and AIDS”. 

Lunch was served at noon and we had stuffed pita bread sandwiches. Afterwards, Rev. Bruce Barton and Bruce Harmon arrived in camp just in time for their “Gay Couples” workshop at 1:15.  They were the only workshop scheduled at that time so those not attending including myself played volleyball.

At 3:30 in the afternoon I taught a workshop on “Gay History and Political Activism” and Mark Winter taught  a workshop on “Morals, Mores, and Ethics in the Gay Community”.

Shish kabobs were served at dinner at 6:30 and at 8:30 in the evening Richard Morris was all set up for the dance under the stars. The YMCA young staff even joined us with some of the boys and girls dancing together and some of the YMCA boys dancing with our group.

This one young boy, who was about 16 years old, got permission to join the dance from his mother who was one of the cooks. He danced with Geoff McGrath and  it was beautiful to watch. It appeared that all prejudice was set aside. 

The mothers who sat with us and watched the festivities even brought out ice cream for the dance, which I think they did on their own initiative, just because they were enjoying the dance. At first John did want the dance to be outside but I prevailed and I am glad I went with my instincts. Steve Oldroyd summed it all up in one word, “Enchantment” and that was truly the case. The YMCA kids later confided in me that at first they were nervous about us being up there but now said that we were the best group they had.

At the end of the dance, unbeknownst to John Reeves and me,  Affirmation gave us plaques  honoring us for holding the first Beyond Stonewall Retreat.  That actually touched my heart. 

Geoff McGrath and I had an heated discussion earlier in the day  when he said that Stonewall meant nothing to him because he had not been personally affected by the rebellion in 1969. I came unglued at his ignorance and told him that everything we have today is directly related to The Stonewall Rebellion which spawned the Gay Liberation Movement.  He said I was a radical and I retorted back at him, that this “Radical Faggot” is the one who brought Beyond Stonewall into being. I thought seeing him dance sweetly with this young teenager that it was this radial faggot that made it possible so that Geoff McGrath could have “same sex dancing” under the stars.  It’s not the conservatives homosexuals who ever accomplish anything but just get to enjoy what we radical do first.

Anyway I was completely exhausted so I didn’t dance much myself. I just sat wrapped in a blanket saying, to all those who were coming up and thanking me and John for making this retreat possible, “No, Thank You.”  Without people taking a chance on Beyond Stonewall it could have been a financial disaster.

John Reeves and I made a decision tonight to keep Beyond Stonewall under the direction of Unconditional Support alone and the steering committee agreed.

31 July 1988 Sunday

I woke up about 7:30 this morning, got dressed, went and showered in the group shower and then went over  to the lodge for a breakfast of sausage and scrambled eggs. 

At 10 , Affirmation held a non-sectarian devotional up at the outdoor Chapel on the hillside surrounded by Quaking Aspens. It was so spiritually moving to be surrounded by nature. Rocky O'Donovan gave a talk about Jose Sarria who sang “God Save Us Nelly Queens” to Gays who were locked up in the San Francisco jail in the days before Stonewall. Chip Prince spoke about being in nature and the spirit. I spoke on how I feel that we as Gay people must help the Lord complete his mission of “Liberating the Captives and Binding Up the Broken Hearted” by freeing the oppressed in our communities and binding up the broken hearted among us.

Dave Malmstrom was moved to speak about his suicide attempt several years before and how he knows that God saved him for better things. People were in tears from Dave’s simple talk. 

 After the devotional we came back to the camp, had a lunch of creamed beef and baked potatoes with a  cheese sauce. Then we sang Chris Williamson’s song “Spirit Divine”, packed up our gear,  hauled down the Gay Flag from the flag pole and so ended the first Gay Retreat in the history of Utah.

It was wonderful and I feel like some real healing, nurturing, and educating went on during this weekend.  John Reeves before we left signed a contract with Lorraine Clark, the camp director, for next year for the dates August 4th,5th, and 6^th. We all came off the mountain better people. Indeed the Gay Spirit divine was with us this weekend.

Back in Salt Lake City, I finally was able to get cleaned up, take a real long hot shower, and then take a nap before in the late afternoon going down to KRCL. Becky Moss and I taped two shows, one with Dan Fahndrich where he talked about his impressions of Beyond Stonewall, and another with Russ Lane who talked about the National Conference of Affirmation that was to be held this year in Hollywood, California.

After taping the shows, Russ Lane took me to Affirmation where they were watching the video “Making Love” with Kate Jackson. I sat in the darken room and watched a little of the movie until I saw Billy Bikowski’s mountain bike and realized that he must be in the room.

I was torn between wanting to leave and wanting to be with people who had been at the camp who wanted to share with me their experiences.  I finally decided that I cannot afford the pain of seeing Billy, so I left and walked on home.

While I was a little emotional on my walk down the escarpment from 13^th East to 6^th east, I probably saved myself a great deal of grief that I would have had if I would have stayed and seen Billy there and tried to be with him. Billy doesn’t love me I had to keep repeating like a mantra.

At home I called Mom this evening and she said they would be out of the house on Dale Street by Wednesday the 3^rd of August. So this is the last time I will probably call our old phone number. It’s weird that I will never be able to  just walk into the home of my childhood ever again. Mom said she and dad are going back to Texas for a couple of weeks before moving to Victorville.

So what does the future hold for me? I will trust in God.  I have to go into work tomorrow and rent is due.