January 1988

1 January 1988 Friday

Here we go again. New beginnings. With the Grace of God I want to become sugar free this year and if that means alcohol free too I will go to any lengths to clear my head, soul, and spirit up to be of serve to the Lord.

            I am living still at the Juel Apartments at 355 South 600 East in Apartment 3 here in Salt Lake City. I only pay $200 a month for rent and that includes steam heat. I work across the street from Utah Title where I am a Title Examiner but most search the General Index for liens since I am the only one who knows how to use the computer program.

I had a New Years Day open house for Unconditional Support , so I didn’t sleep in past 10 this morning even though the party wasn’t until 1 this afternoon.  I had chili already made but I had to bake some corn bread, make deviled eggs, some crab salad, a cheese ball and a bean dip. I also made a fruit punch.

John Reeves came over first but he had forgotten that we had talked about him bringing his VCR player and some movies to watch. When Shawn Donnelly and his boyfriend Brent Burch came, they offered to go get Brent’s VCR in Bountiful which they did and they brought some movies back with them.  Scott Anderson came over about 1:30 bringing some salsa and chips. It was really pleased to see him.

All day long people dropped by and visited. I even left a message for Chuck Thomas and Russ Lane to come if they could and I was glad I did because I think they are lonely for some real Gay interaction with real non Affirmation Gays.

On Christmas day, when John Reeves and I came back to the apartment from Ken Francis’ party, Russ and Chuck came downstairs and brought me a Christmas gift of a can of peanuts.  Chuck had just been excommunicated the two weeks before and John was really interested in all the proceedings because he and Chuck are in the same Stake and know the same people. In fact Chuck’s mother in law is John Reeve’s wife’s visiting teacher!

I was glad they came and brought a cheesecake that Chuck had made. However while Chuck and Russ was here, I mostly could not relate to them anymore. They are still so God awful Mormon and I am not. I am a new species of a Gay Christian.

All in all I had about 16 people in my tiny apartment. They included John Reeves, Russ Lane, Chuck Thomas, Scott Anderson, Shawn Donnally, Brent Burch, Curtis Jensen, Greg Hardin, Shawn Hughes, Michael Ortega, Mike Anderson, Danny Keele, Chuck Whyte, David Shell, Sam and myself. Same was this Indian kid from BYU who got stranded here last night. He called the Gay Help Line and Beau Chaine called me to see if I could put him up for the night until he could catch a bus home. I said certainly.

At the party we watched Little Shop of Horrors, visited, ate and generally spent a pleasant day

As Chuck Thomas and Russ Lane were beginning to leave my New Year’s Day party that I hosted for Unconditional Support, Russ held me and began to cry, saying that it’s because of all I did for him that he and Chuck are together.  Russ then said that he loved me for all that I did for him and the community. I held him close also and said, Russ I love you too.  Let’s keep going and build a community here.”  When I hugged Chuck goodbye, I said to him, “take good care of Russ.”

Later John Reeves said that was the closest he ever saw someone coming to seek a blessing. I suppose Russ did me that honor or at least honored Christ through me because all I ever did for Russ was out of love and trying to be a disciple of the savior.

At 7:15 this evening, Scott Anderson and I left my place to go to an Alcoholic Anonymous meeting where Scott had to set it up as he being the Secretary. I had been sugar free all day and thought I really needed to hear program although my disease is Overeating. To be honest I wanted to be with cute Scott. I told the people at my place to carry on and we would be back at 9.

A.A. was good for my head and I dumped some garbage there. I also heard some good affirmations and I really, really, really, need program.

Back at the apartment, the party lasted about another hour before breaking up. Many had already left. Randy Olson dropped by while I was out. When Scott and I returned Shawn Donnelly, his boyfriend and  John Reeves were leaving. 

After they left Sam went for a walk and Scott and  I talked about us and what to do about developing a relationship. We agreed to take it just one day at a time because I don’t want to come between him and Dan Fahndrich who wants to date him. I’m not going to get angry if things don’t work out for us. I just want to be his friend and kiss him occasionally. If love blooms for us then it will be right. I don’t want to be a month to a flame again as I was with Billy Bikowski.

 After Scott left, Sam returned and I made a bed for him on the couch and I went to bed about midnight. I really enjoyed Scott’s company today.

I had a very pleasant day with good food and  good friends. It was a wonderful way to begin a New Year. I am glad I went to an A.A. meeting, the most perfect way to begin a New Year with a commitment to becoming more spiritually in tune with my Higher Power and turning my life over.

I haven’t heard a word about how Grandma Johnson is doing so I am assuming she is still hanging in there.

It was a cold wintry day with snow still on the ground but the sky was clear which is what counts. This is going to be a wonderful year, full of love, joy, happiness an peace. I am going to be healthier and happier than ever and serve the Lord by serving my community. God grant me the serenity to know Thy will.

2 January 1988 Saturday-

I cleaned the apartment after Sam left. He wrote a note thanking me for my hospitality. He’s Gay but had never been around Gay people before, especially a Gay Party so it was a unique experience for him  Well he could have done  a lot worse because  we were all well behaved and I don’t have sex parties.

            Anyway, I bought myself an electric coffee pot today. My first ever. I want to have coffee in the house for people if they want some while here. I also bought me a 1988 Calendar.

            I went to the downtown library and read some more on King Edward II of England because I want to do a bio on him for the March edition of the Triangle Magazine.

            About 5:30 in the afternoon, John reeves called to visit and he said that Shawn Donnelly and Brent Burch were over at his place working on a resume. John asked if I wanted to go to the show with them  and I said sure. So we went to the West Valley Mall cheap theaters but because of a mix up we didn’t get in until 9 that evening. We just sat around the food curt and visited until we could get in. We saw Cher and Dennis Quaid in “Suspect”. It was really good in an Alfred Hitchcockian sort of way.

            I was nice out during the day but cold, cold, cold at night. Below zero!

3 January 1988 Sunday-

I’ve got a cold. As the day progressed, I started blowing my noose more and more. I did some laundry up and this guy Randy called me in the afternoon. He’s someone that Beau Chaine referred to me on the Gay Help Line about a month ago. Anyway he wanted to come over but I didn’t really want him to because how I was feeling but I said okay because he needed to talk.

            Luckily Steve Brackenbury dropped by the place so when randy came over we weren’t alone. I think he came over more to check me out than to ask about Unconditional Support. He only stayed a while thank goodness I think because Steve was here. He was a jerk really and I don’t think he will call back. I hope.

Steve and I visited for most of the afternoon. We shared some of the charismatic experiences we had while we were believing Mormons. We came to the conclusion that we actually lived Mormonism in its ultimate sense, with visions and unexplainable supernatural phenomena. We had pushed Mormonism to its logical conclusion and found that it was all an illusion. We felt we could only share these experiences with each other because some might interpret our Gnostic experiences as proof that the church is true. But sadly it is not. It was god to get some of this off of my inventory of baggage. He also finally accepted my encouragement to form a support group for Gay fathers. I told him that I would help him out in every way I could.

About 6 this evening, Steve left with Gary Schwartz.  I then went to the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church services. By then I had a full blown sniffling cold.  There I announced the formation of Gay Fathers and asked the church to remember my grandmother in their prayers.  I said, “My Grandma had suffered a stroke and she’d suffer another one if she knew that I asked a Gay Church to pray for her!”  It’s true.

Anyway I had to leave church early to be at KRCL by 7 p.m. to do a radio program with Becky Moss and Dan Fahndrich.  I  did a show on The Year In Review. Dan Fahndrich and Becky Moss. Dan said that he found the “new guy” at Unconditional support,  Scott Anderson, very attractive. I said, “Yes he is but he ‘s so much more.”  Anyway we stayed in the recording studio until 9 at night and after I was home I called Scott. I wanted to let him know I was thinking of him and we talked about an hour how his weekend went. Am I being foolish to pursue him? Do not get involved with a man who is not emotionally available. Maybe he is available. Time will tell.

4 January 1988-Monday-

I have a cold. It’s not enough to keep me bed ridden. Just enough to make me feel miserable. It snowed all day long, constant and about 3 inches deep.

I ended my fast  at noon and ate a banana. Work was a little busier than during the holidays but noting to get excited about. I came home during my breaks and tried to nap.

After work I went to a Triangle Staff Meeting at Satu Servigna’s apartment in the Avenues.   Because of the weather being so bad, only a few showed up, Satu, Ralph Goff, Curtis Jensen, Kake, and Ted Bishop. This Gay couple Peter and Kevin just dropped by briefly and I learned that Kevin is part of the Aunt Gabby column. I also learned that Kake is Huck. 

The meeting focused on doing the March issue’s feature story on Inward Directed Violence Against Gay People. Gays against Gays. I told Satu that I can’t contribute much more than writing the historical columns because I am overly committed to other projects as it is. 

Curtis Jensen told me that Lyle Bradley is really upset with me over my letter to the editor criticizing his handling of the December Community Council meeting. Lyle supposedly said that it’s not good to make enemies with someone that two thirds of the committee supported.  I told Curtis that I am not Lyle’s enemy but if he sees me in that light well I’m sorry for him. I told Curtis to tell Lyle to write a letter to the editor himself and tell his side.  I still think it was high handed on his part to manipulate the meeting for his own purposes.  I would like to see an amendment to the by-laws of the council that if any item on the agenda generates enough controversy to run fifteen minutes over the time set aside for its discussion, it should be shelved for a special meeting. 

Anyway I left the Triangle Staff meeting at 7:30 in the evening to be home for a staff meeting of Concerning Gays and Lesbians at 8. However Becky Moss called and canceled the meeting because the weather was too much to drive in which it was. Dan Fahndrich however did drop by as he was just coming from work anyway so he didn’t make a special trip.

He didn’t stay so I took a hot shower and read some from my 1982 Journal in which I hardly wrote a thing. In my 1980 Journal I didn’t write a thing past September. I was hating my life so much by being married and in the closet I thought why record it.

I went to bed at 10 at night when I had a call from my sister Charline Wachs. She said that Mom had called her and said that Grandma Johnson was fading and getting weaker. They don’t expect her to pull through this time. I told Charline that there’s no sense running up a phone bill until we hear something definite. Sadly I expect Grandma to pass away this year.  It’s amazing that she has held on for so long. She is 88 years old. I don’t think she will reach her nineties.  Grandpa Johnson  might if he recovers from the trauma of losing Grandma.

5 January 1988-Tuesday-

My cold is either breaking up or getting worse. I can’t tell. It snowed all day. I only worked a half day. I went home at lunch and slept but when I work up I felt so groggy that I just called Jeff at work and had him do my job on the computer. I went back to sleep and slept until 5 in the late afternoon.

I then got up to take a shower and get cleaned up when someone rang the doorbell. I thought it must be Shawn Donnelly so I put on a robe and answered the door. I was surprised, delighted, and somewhat embarrassed to see Scott Anderson standing there. I had him come in and said I’d be out in a minute after showering and getting dressed.

When I came into the living room we got to visiting. Scott said was stressed out because yesterday his parents asked him if he was Gay and he came out to them. his They being staunch LDS did not handle it well. They’ve asked him to move out by the 1^st of February and have really been emotionally abusive to him. I just wanted to hold him and comfort him but with this stupid cold what comfort would it be if I gave it to him?

We just visited as I finished getting ready to go open the meeting for Unconditional Support. There I made some coffee and brought some orange juice and donuts for the meeting. Scott drove me down to the Crossroads Urban Center at 247 South 400 East.  Tonight was a business meeting. We talked about our articles and by-laws, elected Randy Olsen, Ken Francis, and myself as officers, and talked about issues of the Gay Community Council. We discussed which way the group wanted us to vote this Thursday.  We had perhaps 20 people tonight. The weather being so poor, I was not expecting even this many.

I was feeling lousy at the meeting but managed to hold it together okay. Chris Brown was back from Christmas Vacation and it was good to see him again.

After the meeting we all went to the Plitt Utah Theater to see “Maurice”. We had perhaps fifteen people from US go.  However Scott said  he couldn’t go to the show with us because he had already obligated himself to go see Jim Pincock after the meeting. Besides he said his parents laid down some ground rules now, saying he has to be home by 11 at night. I guess they have to play the parent. 

Jim wants Scott to move in with him so Jim can upscale his lifestyle. He wants Scott to move into The Broadway Towers that rents for $600 a month! Scott isn’t too excited about paying $300 a month on rent so that Jim can be more materialistic. Scott would rather move in with Dan Fahndrich but he already has a roommate. I asked him if he’s consider me for a roommate as I am wanting to move from this small place and I really like Satu Servigna’s place that has vacancies.

While waiting at the show, Chris Brown said that Greg Hardin who is Lulene of the Lovebirds was taking an Institute of Religion class at the U this quarter. Preparation for a Celestial Marriage! Chris said he’s only taking it for the parking! I had to laugh because that is so Lulene.

Well Don Penrose and Richard Morris seem to be an Item now and Chris Brown said he has a boyfriend in Phoenix who he met at the Desert and Mountain States Conference. Chris also told me that Graham Bell and he got into an awful row at The Lesbian and Gay Student Union  meeting yesterday when Graham Bell began making rude comments about people in the community. 

While waiting in line at the Plitt Theater also, I saw so much of the Gay community there. It seemed a social event. Curtis Jensen was with a new boyfriend, Keith McBride, Rob Ivey and David Sharpton, David Nelson and Michael Aarons, Steve Oldroyd and so many more. Well the Utah Plitt can’t say that the Gay community doesn’t support high quality Gay theme films.  Chris Hicks film reviewer for the Deseret News, so I heard from Curtis Jensen, won’t even review Maurice, even though he’s always given Ivory Merchant films a four star rating. Just because of its positive Gay theme he won’t review it. Hypocrite.

I’ve been off sugar for six days now. I am reading A.A.’s big book again especially Chapter 5 on how the program works. I haven’t been eating s much either lately. I don’t have the strength or interest really with this cold.

I paid my $200 rent today. It’s been like walking in a winter wonderland  today. I hate it. I wonder if Billy Bikowski will be home tomorrow from New Hampshire.

Unconditional Support elections held at Crossroads Urban Center at 247 South 400 East SLC. ”

6 January 1988 Wednesday-

I tossed and turned all night and could not have gotten more than a couple of hours of sleep. I kept thinking about the movie “Maurice” and about Scott Anderson.  Ten about 2 in the morning some idiot called me and woke me up. I didn’t think it was a basher call but rather someone with no sense to call that late. He later left a number on my answering machine by which he could be reached but I am not about to call him about Unconditional Support. He can call back at a decent hour. He was probably just horny.

            I didn’t want to go to work today but thought I just better and not use up all my sick time right now. I’m glad that I did because Scott called me at work about 9:30 this morning. We didn’t talk long but he said he appreciated the support he got from the group last night. He also said that Jim Pincock went ahead and got his own place at Broadway Towers. Scott thinks of it as a relief. He also said that he’s going over to see Dan Fahndrich tonight. Tomorrow he’s going to come over and see me after Gay Fathers and when I get home from attending the Community Council.

Yesterday at U.S., Chris Brown said he was excited about my concept of a Gay summer retreat this year.  He said that in the Pacific Northwest they are called them “Fairy Gatherings”.  That made me laugh. 

Anyway after coming home from work, I stayed in all evening and worked on cleaning my apartment. I may have over exerted myself but at least the bathroom and bed room are cleaned.

 About 8 this evening Steve Brackenbury dropped by the apartment. He was coming home from the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church’s Wednesday service. He said he likes the singing but didn’t like feeling he was put on the spot to take communion. Anyway we were visiting about Gay Fathers tomorrow and just talking about chucking our membership in the LDS Church when Russ Lane and Chuck Thomas appeared at my doorstep.

They had just returned from Russ‘ excommunication from the LDS Church. Chuck went with him, but of course they wouldn’t allow him into the proceedings. Russ had called me earlier at 5:30 asking for reference to Romans 14:14 where Paul said nothing is unclean of itself but to him that esteemeth something unclean to him it is unclean.  Now I know why he wanted the scripture.

Anyhow they accused him of promoting homosexual conduct and read accusations against him that a “non member” had claimed, that Russ was teaching that the LDS Church approved of Gays.  Russ thinks it was Robert Nelson who turned him in. It wasn’t.  I know who it was but its better left unsaid for now. 

Russ and Chuck stayed until 11:30 at night and I fed them some chili and cornbread. So Chuck Thomas is excommunicated, Russ Lane is excommunicated, and Steve Brackenbury is in a state of disfellowshipment.  I was being a real shit and said “Well it looks like I’m the only member here who can exercise his Priesthood! “

 Technically I am the only one in the room who’s still in good standing! Ha! Well when Russ told me the news I just said Congratulations! You know what excommunicated Mormons get? Sundays off and a 10 per cent pay raise. 

Well perhaps this will be the best thing in the world for them though I doubt if they will stop wearing their garments. Well, Well, Well. Full cycles. Knowing how Russ does not take rejection well, I imagine the Priesthood-Relief Society image of Affirmation will slowly dissolve. 

Beau Chaine had called me and left a message on my recorder about the Gay Help Line and whether he needed to be at the Gay Community Council tomorrow. I called him back and told he didn’t need to be there.

7 January 1988-Thursday-

Fran and I were married 11 years ago. Today I am still feeling congested and achy from this cold. At work Scott Anderson returned my call about 9”30 this morning. I wanted to suggest that he come over after work tonight and we could visit some before going off to our separate meetings. However he popped my balloon of a start of any romance by saying that he and Dan had decided last night to move in together and they had an appointment at 5:30 to look at a place. I said I was happy for him but inside I felt another bruise on my heart. I then made an excuse to get off the phone though he said he wanted me to call him later.

On my morning break I just went home and cried a little. Well better to find out Scott’s feelings now than later before I am totally involved with him. I had such high hopes for us. But I will not be a 3^rd wheel and I don’t need to compete with anyone for someone’s affection.

            Serene I fold my hands and wait. I really cared for Scott. I will miss him and I hope he finds great happiness. Last Tuesday I had asked him to go to the symphony  with me this Saturday and he accepted but I need to get out of that now. Especially if he intends to deepen his relationship with Dan, I don’t think it’s appropriate for us to be going out on a date.

            I feel bad about not picking up my German friend Mark Brinkhaus from the airport, but I am so dizzy and achy that I couldn’t bare the long drive there with no heater working in my car. Besides, the buses into town are running today and it shouldn’t be difficult for him to catch one right up to his apartment. He hasn’t ever written me or called while gone, so I’m not certain even if he’s coming back from Germany today.

            Later in the afternoon, Scott called and asked for us to get together for Alcohol Anonymous tomorrow. I said “sure” although I am uncertain about my feelings.

            It snowed again this morning but it seemed to have cleared up in the afternoon. In fact the snow melted enough for the streets to turn wet and sloppy.

            When I came home from work, I tried straightening up the apartment some before going to Community Council at 7 this evening.  The meeting actually got out on time at 9:30. John Reeves made the comment that he thought the council very penitent. David Nelson, Michael Aaron, and Graham Bell all seemed very contrite, well except for Graham who of course had his moments of bitchiness.  He can’t help it. Both Randy Olsen and John Reeves came as representatives of Unconditional Support so we had 3 votes. 

Anyway we held elections at the end of the meeting and John Bennett was reelected as Chair person, Satu Servigna as Vice Chair, and Jim Hunsaker was elected as Secretary Treasurer.  Lyle Bradley declined nominations to any position as did David Nelson, Michael Aaron, and Graham Bell. Becky Moorman was nominated several times which is interesting. 

Floyd Gamble was appointed head of the Pride Day 1988 Committee and Michael Aaron relinquished his Anti-Violence Project to the Council which agreed to operate it as a subcommittee. The rumor is that Michael and David are moving out of state. 

It seems to me that the real struggle in the Gay Community is between organizations and its “so called activists” who really represent no one but their own interests. That is why Lyle Bradley could muster so little support last December even though he is a good man and really committed to the community.  But he has no organization behind him.  Also he hasn’t worked well with the organizations that are out there.

Chuck Whyte was named coordinator of a community wide food drive for the food bank at Crossroads Urban Center.

Bruce Harmon echoed my sentiments when he said he thought that people in leadership positions should have some connections in the community and not just be independent.  I agree. 

I made a motion that the Gay and Lesbian Community Council be the keeper of a resource list for the Gay Community and that they have an active outreach to new groups. The motion was accepted and passed.

Dave Malmstrom approached me after the meeting and wanted to get together with Unconditional Support to sponsor a dance in February, perhaps a Valentines dance. I also reminded him about doing a show for KRCL on the 23^rd.

Bob McIntier announced that he is doing an investigative story on the LDS Church’s involvement with shock therapy in the 1970’s as practiced on Gay victims at BYU.

From talking to heads of different organizations there definitely is an interest in having a retreat this summer as an inter community event.  Ben Barr especially showed interest in the idea. He also said that he would be at the steering committee meeting on the11th for The Names Project.  I said to him that I really would like to turn it over to someone else to really do it justice.  He said that he would like to farm it out or at least some of the panels to different groups such as an elementary school as a project for the baby that just recently died of AIDS. 

Anyway the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church wanted the community council to sponsor another Romanovski and Phillips concert and after some foot dragging, the majority voted to incur the expense involved which would be anywhere from $500 to a $1000.  The Lovebirds said that they would put on a show to help with the fund raising. I supported the concert because of the boost to the morale of the community they provide. I said if this event flies then it would be nice to start promoting other Gay groups especially women music. 

Beau Chaine called me yesterday about tonight’s agenda and I had called him back saying that according to what is on the agenda,  the Gay Help Line wasn’t going to be discussed, so Beau decided not to attend. However at the meeting tonight it was on the agenda that was handed out but both Graham Bell and I agreed that it was not appropriate to discuss the matter without Beau’s input especially when the agenda that was mailed out did not list it as a topic of discussion. 

 I committed U.S. to some form of a talent show in March for a fund raiser for the Community Council.  I have to discuss it with the group to figure out what we will do. Off the top of my head I can see Mike Anderson or Ken Francis doing a strip tease. 

Anyway this meeting was not in any way shape or form as raucous as the December’s meeting.  It was a pretty good turn out tonight with perhaps 40 people or more. The Wasatch Leather Men were out in full force.

            I was home by 10 at night, when then I called Steve Brackenbury to see how his group went. Gay Fathers was formed by Steve to discuss challenges of being Gay and at the same time a father.  Steve said only Ned, Scott Anderson, and himself showed for the first meeting.  I told Steve not to be discouraged because from little acorns mighty oaks grow.  The trick of a successful group, I’ve found, is consistency, commitment, and leadership. 

            I was in bed by 10:30. I don’t know what to do about Scott Anderson. I think I should break it off completely before he breaks my heart.  I am way too fond of him to play the “let’s wait and” game. It’s not my style. I like striking while the fire is hot. Jump into the sea of love and sink or swim.  I am very timid in many ways but I am not shy about love. I need to know now where I stand.

8 January 1988 Friday

It snowed again this morning but cleared up later. Scott Anderson called me at work this morning saying how he and Dan Fahndrich had a falling out and they won’t be moving in together after all and they may break up. When I heard that I silently said, “Thank you God”.

            My cold is deep into my chest now, so I went home at 1:30 this afternoon because I was getting the chills again. I did go up to the University of Utah’s sauna where I sat there for about an hour hoping that the dry heat would loosen up my chest. It did help. Plus it’s always nice to watch the boys shower while sitting in the sauna.

            Afterwards I went grocery shopping and made some corn chowder. I wanted to make something yummy for Scott who was coming over after getting off work.

            At 5:15 this late afternoon, Scott arrived and said he was tired because he’s had a rough week at work with little sleep besides the trauma of coming out to his parents on Monday. Anyway he said he’s decided to move out alone for a while and that Dan had called him three times today wanting to work things out between them.

            Hearing that, I got very quiet and then said to him, “I don’t know how to say this, but I don’t think we should see each other on a one on one basis anymore until you resolve your relationship with Dan; one way or another. I’ve grown really fond of you and it wouldn’t take much for me to fall in love with you.”

            Scott replied he really didn’t know how much Dan meant to him until now and I answered “I hope you find happiness with Dan. I don’t want to come between you and him and I don’t want to sit around on the side lines, growing bitter, angry, and resentful. I really care about you and I want to be there for you… but that’s Dan’s job, not mine if you care for him.”

            I then said I didn’t think I ought to go to the A.A. meeting tonight because all my focus would be on him and that wouldn’t be god for either of us. We left it there with each other understanding that we would see each other at group activities but it would be best if we don’t try to be friends right now.  He asked if I’d be alright and I said “yes’. Scott left at 7 this evening and it  was very hard to let him go.

            Then at 7:30 I had a surprise phone call from Mark Brinkhaus. He asked if he could come over to see me and I said certainly. When he did I fixed him some left over corn chowder and we visited, catching up on events in our lives. I told him about Mark Lamar being almost murdered and about John Cunningham calling me “Queer” on Christmas eve. Mark said he would be leaving on Tuesday to move to Chicago as part of his University research project. That made me sad but I said that when he comes back to Salt Lake he could always stay with me.

            We then held each other and I was so confused about my feelings. Here Scott had just walked out of my life and Mark walks back in, temporarily. I still have a love for Mark, that is too say I am very fond of him.

            I then washed his feet and massaged his hands and naked body with lotion. I said I wanted to make love to him to remember him by so we went  into the bedroom and I made love to him with my mouth and tongue. I made his Germanic masculine lean body respond to my every touch. I played him like a finely tuned instrument. His passion in turn was intense and after he spent himself inside me, I curled up in his arms and we slept until 1 in the morning.  He then said he had to leave to get up early tomorrow to go skiing with friends.           Thus ended a bizarre yet wonderful day.   

9 January 1988 Saturday

I slept in all this morning until noon and then didn’t go out all day. It snowed off and on and I just wanted to stay in and rest in order to shake this cold which has settled in my chest.  I thought a lot about what a strange day yesterday was. Images of Mark Brinkhaus and Scott Anderson danced in my head. I think Mark let me make love to him primarily because he’s going to be leaving Tuesday and he won’t have to worry about me wanting a commitment from him.  It strange but I am not as infatuated with him as I was in late November last year. But I am still awfully fond of him. It wouldn’t take much for me to fall in love with him as before.

I called  Russ Lane today to tell him that it wasn’t Robert Nelson who turned him in or anyone else like they said.  I told him I knew who did it but I wouldn’t tell him who, just that it was all a lie and that he was excommunicated partially on a lie.  Some inspired men.

I talked to Shawn Donnelly  also and he said he’s definitely going to be moving to Denver at the first of February with Brent Burch. Brent came out to his mother and told her he loves Shawn and is moving to Denver to be with him.

I also called James Connelly today because I hadn’t heard from him in month. He said he’s back in the closet for a little bit trying to figure out his sexuality identity. Being 18 years old is a hard age for anyone. I told him that it’s okay and just remember we care about you.

I suppose it was my day to make phone calls and I’m glad I did because Randy Olson  was hurting over seeing asshole Andy at the Sun  last night. Andy is Randy’s Billy Bikowski.  I talked him through some of his feelings and he said he felt better when we got off the phone.

I had to get ready to go the Symphony with John Reeves instead of Scott Anderson. Ned gave me free tickets last Tuesday at Unconditional Support.  On the program was Kodaly’s “Dances of Gallanta” Ravel’s “Concert for Piano and Orchestra in G Major” and Beethoven’s “Second Symphony.” The concert was very good and I saw Russ Lane and Chuck Thomas there.

I was still feeling low from the cold that settled in my chest and I was embarrassed that I coughed a lot during the program even though I had cough drops with me. I felt very self conscious over that.

I was home by 10 tonight but caught James Conrad on the stairs going into his apartment so we visited for awhile. He said that Billy Bikowski had come back a couple of days ago and he had a good visit with his family in New Hampshire.

I’ve had  prank calls on my recorder again today.  I think they may be coming from Provo. Kid’s getting their kicks calling a homosexual.

Today John Cunningham turned 37 years old.

10 January 1988-Sunday

I almost feel human again after having this cold for a week. I’ve had some more weird calls on my recorder at night but I’ve turned the volume down so I didn’t have to be woken up.  I really don’t mind the calls even though they are a  nuisance. They aren’t abusive like the ones I got in December.  I think they are kids from Utah County who don’t have any other contact with someone Gay.  I think it’s their way of dealing with their sexuality and eventually they may even come out of the closet.

            I laid around on the couch most of the morning, trying to come up with future predictions for our show tonight. I pulled together some events that I knew probably would happen and tweaked them to be a bit silly. Governor Meacham of Arizona is in the news right now and as he is so homophobic I started off with him. It was kind of a fun project to do.

            John Reeves called me to visit. He said he had a good time at the Deerhunter after going to the symphony. He said Randy Olson, Shawn Donnelly, Brent Burch were there also. He said my affair with Mark Brinkhaus was the topic of their gossip. He said he also gave Shawn Donnelly kind of a father/son talk about Brent putting his happiness in Shawn’s hands by moving off to Denver with him. He talked to Shawn about being committed to Brent.

            I decided in the afternoon to go to the HPER building at the University of Utah to sit in the sauna there for a while. It felt so good and everyone there was talking about having seen “Maurice”. Every openly Gay man in Salt Lake City must have seen the movie already.

            Upon leaving the University of Utah campus I stopped in to see Mark Brinkhaus to say goodbye. We visited for a little and I cried saying good when I left at 5 in the late afternoon. I won’t see him before he leaves on Tuesday morning.

           

When I came home, I called Antonio dela Guerra to tell her about a Concerning Gays and Lesbian meeting next Sunday at Becky’s place. She wants us to plan out future shows for much of the year. However Antonia vented saying how she felt left out but I think I calmed down some of her ruffled feathers. We need to work together and not be divisive.

            David Sharpton held an explicit seminar at Affirmation called “Eroticizing Safer Sex”.  The announcement in the Triangle had a disclaimer which stated “Not For The Easily Offended”. Ha!

These were my predictions for 1988 that I shared on Concerning Gays and Lesbians  

January 18 Gov Meacham of Arizona resigns and flees to Utah where he is appointed as Gov. Bangerter’s liaison representative to the Gay Community.  Meacham’s Murray Used Car lot is boycotted by dissident homosexuals from the Desert and Mountain States Conference.

            February 12 Unconditional Support, Affirmation, and Lesbian and Gay Student Union form an inter-organizational board to sponsor Gay dances and outdoor activities for the Gay Community

            February 19 The Names Project Utah’s First fund raiser is so successful that the Newgate Waterslide agrees to have an all Gay Day once a month

            March 6 While celebrating the 2^nd anniversary of Wasatch Affirmation, overzealous church security agents busts 13 students at the meeting as part of a crack down on homosexuals at BYU.

            March 7 An unofficial BYU Gay Liberation Front is organized in Provo Utah to keep the Gay Spirit alive in Happy Valley. They are an underground net work of freedom fighters from the University of Utah led by a Lesbian Mormon poet.

            April 2 At April General Conference the LDS Church announces the creation of a Department of Homosexual Affairs. It then becomes church policy that Gays are no longer to be excommunicated as long as they live lives of chastity; however Gays are still not permitted to attend BYU.

            April 11 Lesbian and Gay Student Union’s Gay Awareness Week at the U of U coincides with a massive AIDS out break at East High School. Parents blame the bad influence of students from South and West High Schools. East High is closed down.

April15 The Romanovski and Phillips concert, sponsored by the Gay and Lesbian Community Council of Utah, becomes the largest Gay fundraiser in Salt Lake history. Funds from the concert are set aside to bring Olivia Recording artists Ferron and Meg Christensen to Utah for Gay Pride Day.

May 10 Weber State College organizes a Gay Student Union after the Aryan Nation print  leaflets condemning homosexuals to death for the spread of AIDS

May 29 The Royal Court’s coronation election results are printed in the Salt Lake Tribune while channel 4 sends Fred Fife to the Howard Johnson’s restaurant to interview the newly elected royalty.

June 9 The Lovebirds are asked to perform at the Libertarians’ political convention that is held at Puss N Boots, a Lesbian bar. Lulene Lovebird declines to perform, protesting her loyalty to the GOP

June 26 Gay Pride Day is moved to the 4^th Sunday in June to commemorate the Stonewall Riots. 1200 people attend the largest Gay celebration held outdoors. Softball and womyn music draw a large Lesbian  presence  and Mayor Palmer de Paulis attends to announce a Gay anti-discrimination ordinance for Salt Lake City

July 24 The Utah Arts Foundation and the Utah Names Project display the Utah AIDS Quilt on the knoll at Liberty Park during the Neighborhood Fair. 60,000 people attending the park view the quilt causing massive traffic congestions for central city.

July 30 The 1^st Gay and Lesbian Workshop Retreat sponsored by Unconditional Support and the Community Council draw 600 people to a weekend in the canyon for the largest fairy gathering along the Wasatch Range.

August 13 A Gay protest rally is held in Memory Grove when city police try to curtail Gay access to the park by harassing men who fit a police department stereotype profile.

August 19 Rev. Rev. Bruce Barton’s mother wins the California lottery and pays of the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church’s mortgage.

August 25 BYU announces mandatory AIDS testing for admission to the University after a secret student health department testing discloses that 25 % of BYU co-eds tested HIV positive and 75 % of returned missionaries.

August 27 The Salt Lake City Police Chief resigns after being discovered at the Sun Club in drag. He claims no wrong doing but his being there was part of a drug undercover sting operation. His wife files for divorce.

September 5 The LDS 1^st Presidency issues a letter to Mormon Bishops stating that AIDS is a health issue and not a moral issue. Priests and Elder Quorums are instructed on the use of condoms and French ticklers..

September 28 KRCL’s Concerning gays and Lesbians program become an hour long feature after generating the most funds during the stations pledge drive.

October 1 In General Priesthood during October Conference, LDS men are told to abstain from sexual relations outside of marriage. However they were also counseled not to compound the seriousness of a transgression by not using protection for their partner. The word prophylactic is used for the first time in General Conference.

October 10 AIDS Awareness Week is sponsored by the Gay and Lesbian Community Council along with the Royal Court coordinating the event. Salt Lake City Jay Cees give the Emperor and Empress of the Royal Court a citation of merit for the courts’ efforts with AIDS Awareness in Utah.

November 8 Governor Bangerter is defeated by a Gay voting  block from Salt Lake City’s 1^st District. He is defeated because of his remarks that AIDS is a moral issue and not a health issue. Newly elected Ted Wilson announces his choice of Health Associate professor Dr. Patty Reagan as  head of The Department of Health.

November 27 the LDS Church holds a Fast Day to raise funds for AIDS victims after the town of Lehi becomes the first community to have 25 percent of its residents infected with AIDS many who are children.

December 12 The Triangle Community Digest wins a national award for journalism for its investigation of a cover up of the misuse of public finds by the state epidemiologist under former Governor Bangerter’s administration. CDC funds for the distribution of AIDS information to the Gay community were diverted for sex parties with female hookers by health department officials

December 25 An AIDS vaccine is discovered in the amino acids of a fungus grown by a German research scientist at the University of Utah while trying to develop a synthetic ski wax.

11 January 1988- Monday-

It was 47 degrees this morning when I went into work but by 9 the temperature had dropped to 30 degrees with a major snow storm blowing across the valley. Power went off in my apartment at 9:15 and was off all day while just across the street at Utah Title we were okay. The storm ended about 12:30 this afternoon.

I called Scott Anderson this morning just to find out how he is. He sounded kind of down in the dumps but also said that he will probably be moving into the Regency apartments on 22^nd South. I guess I still have strong feelings for him.

Last night I said to Dan Fahndrich, “If you are on speaking terms with Billy, say hi for me.” Dan is having his own problems with Billy Bikowski. Anyone who doesn’t love him like I do would go crazy living with him I think. Hell even if you do love him you’d go crazy. I don’t know why but I am kind of missing him today. Maybe it’s because Mark Brinkhaus is moving to Chicago and Scott Anderson has decided to make a relationship with Dan Fahndrich work. “Serene, I fold my hands and wait”, yet it does seem so much like “they’re writing songs of love but not for me.”

The power in my building came back on at 3:30 and the weather cleared up for the rest of the day.

When I came home from work, I called Billy Bikowski because I needed to hear his voice either live or on his answering machine. I heard two songs on the radio, “Berlin’s “You Take My Breath Away’, and Carly Simon’s “Coming Around Again” that reminds me so much of him that I was melancholy for him.

He answered the phone and I asked how he was doing. He said he’s still carving the eagle out of wood and says he’s being productive. He was able to get his car back and I am happy for that. He said he enjoyed his trip back to Concord, New Hampshire so things are going well for him.  He asked if I was in a relationship with anyone and I told him about Mark Brinkhau leaving for Chicago so no. I asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no. It would have panged my heart if he had said yes. He thanked me for calling and said it’s nice to know someone cared about him. I told him that he knows me well enough to know that I will always care about him.

I don’t know how I feel about the phone visit. I didn’t have much time to dwell on my feelings because I had to get ready for the Quilt Meeting tonight. The first meeting  of the Steering Committee of The Names Project Utah was tonight.  I bought some donuts and punch and made coffee.  The meeting started at 8 this evening at my apartment and in attendance were John Bennett, Ben Barr, Bruce Harmon, Terrie Thompson and myself.  Barbara Stockton called and said she was ill but wanted to be included on the steering committee.

Barbara said she wanted to do a panel for Mark LaBoa.  John Bennett wanted to do a panel for Michael Spense and Frank Godinez. Terry Thompson said she and Laura wants to do one each for Miles Jones and Allen Lovells.

Tonight we set a date for the fund raiser for the quilt. It will be Saturday the 13^th of February. We talked about printing tickets, posters, flyers, getting a written agreement from the water slide, advertising in Triangle and on KRCL, and ticket distribution.

Bruce Harmon is going to come up the with a statement of policy for the project so Terrie Thompson can work on the articles of Incorporation. We have changed our name from The Names Project Utah to The Utah AIDS Commemorative Quilt Project. Some felt that the name Names Project Utah would be confused with the AIDS Project Utah. The new name is more descriptive. 

We decided to keep a loose working relationship with San Francisco’s Names Project but concentrate on working within Utah. We discussed presenting the Utah Folk Art Foundation with a concrete proposal for some grant money and also talk to Babs DeLay who is with the Utah Arts Festival.

Bruce Harmon is going to approach David Sharpton and the LDS Social Services about involving LDS Relief Society in this project, and perhaps Carol Lynn Pearson. 

We decided to meet again on Monday the 25^th and to have by then a statement of purpose and to have an attorney’s opinion regarding the legal ramifications about not getting waivers from the families of the AIDS fatalities for whom we want to design quilt panels. We discussed having the quilt on tour throughout the state and about having it displayed at Gay Pride Day, The Arts Festival, and at Liberty Park’s Neighborhood Fair.  I am just excited about the possibilities of this really happening and becoming a healing process for those who have lost loved ones.

12 January 1988-Tuesday-

Today was a beautiful, clear winter day. Bright blue skies and sparkling white snow. Yesterday when I was talking with Billy Bikowski he told me how happy snow makes him. I will never have the same negative attitude towards snow again knowing how much Billy loves it.

            Well I suppose Mark Brinkhaus left this morning for Chicago. The weather is perfect for a flight if he did leave today. God Speed Mark.

            I came home for lunch  and I typed up articles to submit to The Triangle of the AIDS Quilt, and Concerning Gays and Lesbians. Back at work I called Becky at her work and got her approval for the final copy. Randy Olson is supposed to write the article  for Unconditional Support. He, Ken Francis, and I are supposed to meet at 6 this evening for a planning conference. I need to call some of the leaders of The Lesbian and Gay Student Union , Affirmation, and the Metropolitan Community Church so we can plan a Valentines’ dance  and to let them know about the waterslide event at the Newgate Mall.

            While talking to Beau Chaine yesterday, he said he probably will be in the hospital for brain surgery that weekend and so will not be able to help out.

            I wonder if Dave Malmstrom would let us use the Unitarian Church for a dance on Sunday the 14^th of February? Hmmm. I need to call him right away.

            When I came home for my afternoon break I called Dave about Affirmation co-sponsoring a Valentines Dance. He said that Affirmation would but we couldn’t use the church on the 14^th because Allan Gundry, is coming to speak to them that evening.  Allan Gundry is the LDS Church’s liaison between the church’s Department of Homosexual Concerns and the Gay Community.  I said to Dave “If the church was really concerned with our community perhaps they could start by calling us Gay and not homosexuals.” 

Anyway we decided that the 12^th of February which is a Friday would be the best date for a dance.  I then called Rev. Bruce Barton up and talked to him. I’m glad I did because he needed to vent. He’s having problems with some on his board named Arthur who is usurping pastoral responsibilities. A lot of people forget that Bruce is a Minister of the Gospel not just the head of a support group. Anyway he said he couldn’t see any problem with having a dance that day but will have to clear it with his board for certain. 

 I now have to get Chris Brown to get The Lesbian and Gay Student Union ’s. I was hoping to see him at Unconditional Support  tonight but he wasn’t there.

I walked down to the Crossroads Urban Center and met with Randy Olsen and Ken Francis at 6 for a planning meeting. I needed the exercise. Basically we agreed to keep the topics spontaneous rather than having a set of discussion subjects for the month. Randy is going to get a hold of Jim Hunsaker to find out how to get incorporated and get a non-profit status. We need to get a checking account or savings account. We need to get a piggy bank of some type started for the money we collect at the meetings.  We raised $12 tonight from donations. We say put in what you get out of the meeting. So that’s good.

Unconditional Support started at 7 this evening and we had a 16 year old Lesbian attend our meeting tonight, named Becky Smith. She was the only Lesbian at the meeting.  She is the 3^rd teenage Lesbian to approach me and I don’t have any advice or counsel for her. I’m not qualified to counsel a Lesbian and I know of no support groups for women. All are secret such as OWLS or Order of the Rose.  I made her feel welcomed but I wish there was a women’s coming out group in the community.

Scott Anderson wasn’t at the meeting and with Mark Brinkhaus gone and Billy Bikowski out of my life, I am kind of blue tonight.

Anyway our topic tonight was Beating the Winter Doldrums. We ended up suggesting that people use thus group to announce activities in the Salt Lake community at large, like free concerts, lectures, etc.

It was a different kind of crowd tonight; a kind of “entertain me because I’m stand offish” type. I had to really work to make the group come together and be successful and all in all it was a nice evening.

One of our group is leaving for Japan, Mark went to Chicago, Mark Lamar is in Indiana, and Shawn Donnelly and Brent Burch are moving to Denver. It seems like so many are leaving Salt Lake. I Can’t say that I entirely blame them but it sure is hard to develop a sense of stability in such a transient world.

I didn’t stay out late or go to the movies with the group. I had John reeves just take me home because I was still feeling down from the residue of this cold. John said that his night class he teaches has a lot of interest in the subject of homosexuality. He wants me to be on a panel for one of his Salt Lake Community College classes this semester sometime.

Anyway as I was about to go to bed, Ken Francis phoned me all depressed and blue over how his boyfriend Kurt is treating him. “Love is debris.” So we talked about a half an hour so could get it out of his system.

13 January 1988 Wednesday-

I’ve heard that there’s going to be more lay-offs at work this coming Friday. Oh well. Things are really slow right now. I called Scott Anderson this morning to see how he is because he wasn’t at Unconditional Support yesterday. He said that he just went straight home to bed because he only got 4 hours of sleep the night before. I guess I am searching for something in his voice but I didn’t hear what I wanted so I guess I will let this one go.

            I listened to Concerning Gays and Lesbians at noon. I think it was one of our better shows and so much better than last weeks’ “throw it together” show. I’m taking a break from doing a program next week but on the 24^th will interview Dave Malmstrom  the director of Wasatch Affirmation.

            I need to start putting in a teaching application again. Maybe in February I will take a day off and hit up Davis, Weber, Jordan, Salt Lake City, Murray and Park City’s school districts again.

            Rick Baur and I visited a little today. I need to be careful around him because he is straight but he sure is someone I could fall for and hard. He wants me to go out drinking with him some weekend and we just briefly talked about how fun it would be to go down to Cancun Mexico for about a month. It’s a total pipe dream but if you don’t dream you die.

            In the afternoon, Bob Elcock, my supervisor, called me in to his office and asked if I wanted part time work at half my salary. I said that I just couldn’t with having to pay the IRS my back taxes.  I said I’d have to be laid off so I could look for full time work. I told him that I’d probably look into substitute teaching and there’s a possibility I could get a permanent contract if I did that.

            Bob said he didn’t want to lose my skills but to keep me on full time he will have to combine me with customer service. I’ve been expecting that anyway. I said I understand the crunch right now and whatever he decides is fine with me. So I guess there will be more changes here at Utah Title soon with more lay-offs.

            I went over to see John Reeves after work for a steak dinner he was cooking. Brent Burch wasn’t able to come but Shawn Donnelly showed. We watched the Maltese Falcon after a yummy dinner. John Reeves, the sweet thing, bought me tickets for the Utah Opera next weekend.

            I wrote Mark Lamar a letter and Garth Chamberlain called me about the Youth Group he and Shawn Hughes are forming. Yesterday he asked me to sit in on some of the organizing committees and perhaps be an adult advisor to the group. Garth asked me to screen call through my home phone to keep out chicken Hawks and LDS fascists. 

Terrie Thompson also called me about tickets and fliers for the Water Slide fund raiser.  I said to go ahead and use her professional judgment  and I’ll stand by it and support her.

It was a real pleasant day. The weather was wintry overcast but now extremely cold or snowing. I went to bed missing Billy Bikowski or maybe just missing someone to hold me. I turned over on my side and just cried myself to sleep. Keep turning it over to God. Some day. Someday love will come.

Unkind, is the word that comes to mind

Whenever I think of love’s labor lost

To have known his smile all the while

Not knowing the cost of that smile

So blind are lovers  whose hearts love binds

Like ships on a sea of love

Tempest tossed resigned to sail into warmer waters

Thoughts sublime to paradiscial isle

Where lovers the whole night long

Wile away until truth in time

Will leave me left to sing Auld Lang Syne.

14 January 1988-Thursday-

It was a slow, slow day at Utah Title so lay-offs are inevitable. Today is my nephew Michael Louis Wach’s 13^th birthday.  After work  I came home and went to the Deseret Gym to exercise some an d sit in the sauna before going down to support Steve Brackenbury’s Gay Fathers group. . He had about five people there, Mike Buck, John Reeves, Scott Anderson, Steve Brackenbury  and myself although I am not a father. The group was so small we decided to meet in the kitchen of the Crossroads Urban Center. It felt homier.  It was a good meeting and I ended staying until 9:45 just visiting with the guys afterwards.

When I came home Garth Chamberlain had left a message about the Gay Youth Group and asked me to put some information about it in the Triangle.  So before going to bed, I wrote a brief note about Gay Fathers and Gay Youths for tomorrow’s deadline.

Randy Olson hasn’t given me anything for Unconditional Support yet. He said he was sick yesterday. I ought to call him to find out how he is.

I haven’t eaten sugar in 15 days. Well at least concentrated sugar like in cookies, cakes, donuts and other sweets. When I was sick with that cold I took cough drops and I know they had some sugar in them as a base.  I’m not squeaky clean but it’s a beginning. I now need to work on the quantity of food I consume too.

I am disappointed getting on the scale at the gym finding that I gained 5 pounds when I have been denying myself sweets. It’s an awful mental game.

15 January 1988 Friday

It  was a bad day at Black Rock where all day it’s been doom and gloom with speculation of who will be let go.  At 4:30 this afternoon the ax began to fall. Kevin Merrill and his secretary Hidako, Jolynn and Sylvia, and Jeff out of customer service were all laid off. I was just sick when I heard about the cuts to the Customer Service department because I knew what that portends for me. Bob Elcock will want me to take over Customer Service, I just know it. Also it means I will have to work this Monday on martin Luther King’s birthday and I was so looking forward to having that day off. Well gloom and doom.

            While at work, I did call all the school districts and asked them to send me teaching applications. I got paid today but only cleared $475 because more is now being taken out for dental and medical for Fran to be insured.

            In the evening I just stayed home and straightened up the place.  Any way things are changing for me right now. I didn’t go to A.A.

16 January 1988 Saturday

I went to Deseret Gym and to the public library today.  I read a fascinating book called “The Pink Triangle” by Richard Plank. It’s about the Nazi’s persecution of Gay men in Germany during World War II.

            Anyway it was after 6 in the evening when I walked home because the library had closed.  I stayed in for the evening and later called Ed Benson to ask if I could use him as a reference when I start filling our teaching applications as he is a retired teacher. He said certainly but he said he’s moving to Arizona and has put his house up for sale.

            I didn’t want to go out tonight. I think I am paralyzed by the anxiety of starting a new position on Monday at Utah Title. I worry how it’s going to affect me and my activity in the Gay community. Will I have the same energy levels and time to commit to the community?

17 January 1988 Sunday

I only ventured out of the apartment because I had to attend a Concerning Gays and Lesbians planning meeting at Becky Moss’ home this morning. Becky and her lover Catherine Clark fixed a brunch of omelets. It was wonderful and I brought over a fruit salad.

In all Bobbi Fouts, Antonia dela Guerra and her girlfriend Carla Gourdain, Becky and Catherine, Dan Fahndrich and I were who showed up.  However Carla and Catherine aren’t actually involved with the show.

Before brunch I talked seriously to Becky and Catherine about the young Lesbians who have been coming to me and how inadequate I felt to address their needs and concerns.  Becky said that she might start a Thursday night group for Lesbians after I told her the need of an open and out support group. I love Lesbians and their energy but I’m not the one to give advice to teenage Lesbians. 

Anyway after brunch we discussed programming for the next three months.  I also ended up having to do the show tonight on Black Awareness in the Gay Community because Becky just had surgery on her mouth and no one else could do it tonight. It ended up being a good program.

Later in the evening I called Billy Bikowski and we talked for about a half hour. Bittersweet. I still love him. I wish I didn’t.

18 January 1988-Monday

Today was my first day in Customer Service and it was basically just me there because Tracy had to work the phone because I hadn’t been trained on it. It was a total joke. I was mad, frazzled, and going crazy all day. If I would not have come in, it would have been a total disaster for sure. The only good thing was that the day went by so fast. I didn’t get to take anything but a lunch break because we were so busy.

            After work I came home but didn’t want to stay home because I was so antsy and afraid I would just binge eating so I walked down to the central library and finished reading, The Pink Triangle.

            I was meeting John Reeves at 9 so I had to leave the library at 8:30 to get home in time. While at the library I looked in the card catalog and found sixty items under the topic “Homosexual”.

            When John picked me up he treated me to some Onion rings and a coke at Dee’s while we visited. He said he had a nice time spending time with Steve Brackenbury and watching videos with him. We also talked about the Gay Youth Group being formed by Garth Chamberlain, Tim Wanesee, Shawn Hughes. It’s a support group for Gay and Lesbians kids under the age of 22 years to deal with the concerns and issues of young people.  The group for now is meeting at a private residences and inquiries about the group is being screened through Unconditional Support.  “The Youth Group Run By and For Lesbian & Gay Youth Under the age of 22” meeting on Wednesdays at various locations.

19 January 1988 Tuesday-

It was a frantic , crazy day at work again plus three people from the Escrow department Neta, Marion, and John Smith, were laid off.  I think it was political because Bob Elcock and John were always butting heads.

 Today is my dad’s 63^rd birthday. He doesn’t know it but I celebrated it by having Unconditional Support talk about our fathers. It was a good meeting although small. Perhaps 20 people attended. Scott Anderson came tonight as did Mike Anderson. It was special to see him again. The topic was “Freudian Fathers Are They the Enemy John Bennett told me AT Unconditional Support that Satu Servigna is ill. It sounds serious.” -

20 January 1988-Wednesday-

It was an irritating day at work. It’s got to get better or I will quit. I don’t take morning and afternoon breaks anymore. When I came home during lunch, I taped recorded Concerning gays and Lesbian and I had a call from Chris Brown of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union saying he enjoyed my program on Black Awareness.

            Anyway, after getting out of work I went over to Steve Brackenbury’s place to drop off a video tape for Gay Fathers tomorrow. Brent Fotheringham  was there having gotten Steve to play a part in some musical. While there we talked about the John Singer mess up in Kamas. That family will probably be massacred by the state.

            Anyway I left at 7:30 and went to the Deseret Gym because my lower back has been sore and I wanted to sit in the sauna and get some heat into it. I was there until 9 at night then came on home and there I called Chris Brown to discuss the to discuss the possibility of holding joint dances with Affirmation as fundraisers. He liked the idea so we will get together with Dave Malmstrom on Jan 30^th.

            Then I called John Reeves to visit with him about going to the Opera tomorrow.

            It was a cold day and never even got above 30 degrees.

21 January 1988 Thursday

After work, I walked down to the Central Library to wait for John reeves to get off work. I said I would meet him at the Capital Theater for the Opera. At the library I read some about Radical Gay politics while I waited.

The Utah Opera began at 8 in the evening and lasted until nearly 11 at night John bought us seats just two rows back from the Orchestra pit . John bought me tickets to Le Boheme because I had once told him that I had never been to the Opera before  so this was the first time I’ve ever been to an Opera and it was with sweet John. It was so thoughtful of him and LeBoheme was wonderful. I saw Joe Dewey, John Bennett, Curtis Jensen, Lyle Bradley, Erick Murdock and Stan Rovig there also,

22 January 1988 Friday

Mark Lamar has returned to Salt Lake from Indiana. After work I went to the Deseret Gym to soak and then off to Alcohol Anonymous. It made me so depressed see Scott Anderson with Dan Fahndrich.

At the meeting I kept thinking to myself, “I’m chemical free, tobacco free, drug free, alcohol free and sugar free now for 23 days. However instead of serenity I am so depress and sad. Later Scott Wallendorf, Billy Bikowski’s old flame come into the meeting and seeing him again made me even more melancholy. I only stayed a few minutes after the meeting and then I quickly left. Upon leaving I heard an older lady say to her friend, “I get along very well” and it triggered in my mind the torch song “I get Along Without Very Well, of course I do,” which was one of the heart break songs from my time with Billy Bikowski. I started to tear up as I walked to my car .  One year ago Billy and I began our tortuous attempt at breaking up. I still miss him.

When I was home I called his house at 10:30 but only Frank Fatah answered and he said Billy was out and not home yet. That depressed me still more. “I’m all alone by the telephone, all alone and feeling blue. Wondering how you are and where you are and if you are all alone too.” I’ve got a bad case of the blues tonight.

Tomorrow is Unconditional Support’s Gone With the Wind Theme party. I feel like why bother.  Billy’s gone, Mark Brinkhaus is gone, Scott Anderson is gone. It’s just me and you Lord. We’re an unbeatable combination.

This week has flown by because of changes at work. In the news the Singer Family is still holding out against state authorities who want them to stop home schooling their kids. Poor pathetic things.

23 January 1988- Saturday

I baked a cherry pie and made Hopping John a black eye peas and rice for the Unconditional Support Gone With the Wind theme party tonight. Altogether I made 2 pecan pies, 1 cherry pie, Southern banana pudding, barbecued chicken, whipped yams, corn bread muffins, black eye peas and rice, and Scarlett O’Hara Punch that I made with cranberry juice, limeade, and Seven-Up.  

I went to the central library in the afternoon and read more from the Gay history section. If I’m going to be a resource I better start getting it in my head. I read from the Gay and Lesbian Almanac which was very interesting.

When I got home had a dozen phone calls to make.  Rev. Bruce Barton wants me to come to a the Resurrection Metropolitan  Community Church’s pot luck tomorrow. I said I would.

Mark Lamar said he decided not to come to the party after all because he didn’t think he’d have the stamina and just needed to rest.

I was at Mike Anderson and Shawn Donnelley’s place by 6 in the evening to start baking the chicken in their oven and to visit with Mike. I decorated their apartment with a Confederate flag, a flag of Texas, and some pictures of Robert E. Lee, Jefferson Davis, and Stonewall Jackson. It was cute. Michael Anderson even rented a Confederate cap while Garth Snyder “Ruby Slippers” went all out, coming in a hoop skirt and a wig with long curls!  It was a nice party about 30 people in all. Eric Christensen brought along man named Craig who was extremely interesting and fun. I saw that James Connelly came back out of the closet and showed up so that was a pleasant surprise.

Some people watched Gone With The Wind while others broke off into small gap sessions. It was a non-alcoholic evening basically and I remained sugar free through the baking of three pies. I thought Mike Anderson’s friend Danny Keele was a real jerk when he put out a cigarette in one of my Pecan Pies. I think he was on something.

After the party and I came home, at midnight I went over to met this man at his place who had called earlier on the Man 2 Man sex line. He sounded interesting on the phone. His name was Grant and we ended up fucking.

24 January 1988-Sunday

I slept in until 10 this morning from staying out so late with a tryst with Grant before I began to stir. I tried straightening up the place before James Connelly wanted to come over. I’m not quite sure why he wanted to come over. He’s a beautiful 19 year old and I think looks at me like some sort of Gay mentor.

            When he showed up, I invited him in and he shared about school, his family, and being Gay. At 12:30, Steve Brackenbury also showed up at my door. I had him come in and he said the reason he didn’t attend the Gone With the Wind Party was that he had a hot date with this kid named Franco.

            I invited Steve and James to go with me to the Resurrection Metropolitan Community Church’s state of the church’s address which was also a pot luck dinner. But they had other things to do at 2 in the afternoon so I went by myself.

I saw Chuck Whyte there at MCC where Bruce Harmon told me that Terrie Thompson had said that the water slide  event has been changed from the 13^th to the 12^th.  So now I’ve got to get a hold of the Triangle and change our ad.  Oh well.

After the pot luck I spent the late afternoon with John Reeves planning our summer “Fairy Gathering” Retreat while I did my laundry. I think we got a lot accomplished and set some goals.

I had to leave at 6:30 to get to KRCL to tape a Concerning Gays and Lesbians program. Becky Moss engineered the show while I interviewed Dave Malmstrom about Affirmation.  Becky thought it was a good show.  I had some good questions because of my background with Affirmation.  Dave was well informed, articulate, and handled himself very well. And even though I am at odds with Affirmation I gained a respect for Dave from this interview.

Dave said that Affirmation’s Family Home Evening topic was “Homosexuality in the Old Testament Scriptures”.

After taping the show, I came home and did up the dirty dishes and talked to randy Olson a little before getting ready for bed. He said he’s becoming more involved with AIDS Project Utah and is going through training to become a volunteer. After getting off the phone with Randy something made me want to call up Billy Bikowski. When I did, he wasn’t at home so I went to bed weeping and missing him so much.

25 January 1988-Monday-

Things at work are finally beginning to get straighten out and I’m not as frazzled anymore even if I still don’t take my morning and afternoon breaks.

When I came home from Utah Title, I made some chocolate chip cookies for the Utah AIDS Commemorative Quilt AIDS meeting  tonight that started at 7 in my apartment. In attendance were Barbara Stockton, Bruce Harmon, Chuck Whyte, Ralph Placer, Ben Barr, and myself. Terrie Thompson wasn’t able to make the meeting nor John Bennett who has a cold.

Previous to the meeting, I was able to get a hold of Ted Bishop from the Triangle to get the dates changed for the water slide fund raiser from the 13^th to the 12^th so it didn’t go into the Triangle with the wrong date.

At our meeting we agreed to have another meeting on February 1^st to discuss the fund raiser and the distribution of tickets.  On the 8^th of February I agreed to have a statement of purpose written and guides lines for the AIDS Quilt Project because Bruce Harmon is too swamped. Ralph Placer said that by the 8^th he would also have a logo drawn up for the Quilt project.  Ralph agreed to be a liaison between San Francisco and Utah.  He also said that he would try to have Jim Tuttle who is a fabric designer call me about what kind of materials to use in the guide line we will be using for quilt submissions. 

 Ben Barr stated that there is 103 confirmed cases of AIDS in Utah and 89 people have died from the disease.  I volunteered Mark Lamar to get the forms from the state of Utah for incorporation and filing a non-profit status. 

Chuck Whyte said that he would look into getting us a post office box downtown.  Bruce Harmon suggested March 12^th to be our kickoff for the AIDS Quilt for the community.  We discussed getting media coverage in the Salt Lake Tribune for the AIDS Quilt.

Bruce Harmon also suggested that we come to the 8^th meeting with task oriented qualifications of what we would be good at doing like coordinating media, transportation, fundraising, location, sewing, etc. 

After the meeting was over Bruce Harmon, Chuck Whyte, and I went up to the U of U to see Satu Servigna who was using the computers there to page set the Triangle. We wanted to see Satu about the ad space for water slide fund raiser. Terrie Thompson was suppose to have brought it over. 

Satu Servigna is very sick with a disease similar to multiple sclerosis . It’s so terrible to see her so ill. Ralph Goff was up there with her typesetting with her and a guy named Denver.

Anyway we then had to go see Ben Barr about writing an ad for the Triangle. Good men, dedicated to the Gay community.  People don’t realize the effort some sterling people make to build this community. Ben Barr, Chuck Whyte, and Bruce Harmon are up there high on that list of people who unselfishly give time and money to this community.

Bruce Harmon was kind enough to share some insights with me. He said that at the Gay Community Council I should not be so verbose about the organizations I support but try to be more concise. I think that’s valid. He also said he thinks I am almost revered in the organizations I do belong to. I just love the Gay community. Anyway it was fun running all over town with Bruce Harmon.  We were like Lucy and Ethel.

26 January 1988 Tuesday-

Title Orders are starting to pick up again at work> I took thirty of them myself. Maybe things are starting to turn around.

 I had two phone messages on my answering machine wanting information about Unconditional Support but only one of them, Alex Gallegos showed up tonight. However we had four new people all together in attendance.. Their names were Brent, Randy, Alex Gallegos, and Ed. We had about 35 people crowded into the sitting room of the Crossroads Urban Center. Mark Lamar felt up to be able to come to the meeting and it was good to see his smiling face. It was a good group tonight

Randy Olson led the meeting and the topic was “Are Gay Men Women Haters? A Response to the Lesbian Community”  A few had some strong separatists views and we discussed the conscious raising point of stopping demeaning women by telling fish jokes.  We talked about how dedicated the Lesbians are in supporting the community in their own ways.  It was a good meeting and Randy did a real good job. I knew he would and could.  Richard Rodriguez also passed out his sex survey at the meeting for some class he is taking and Jim Hunsaker asked if he could do a workshop for the group sometime and I said certainly.

Curtis Jensen then took a portion of the group to the show to see Broadcast News while the rest of us went out for coffee after the meeting to Dee’s. 

At home Bruce Harmon dropped by the apartment long enough to show me a copy of the ad for our Waterslide event so it did make it into the February Issue of the Triangle. Yeah.

Then Guy from Provo called to tell me about the Utah Valley Men’s Group formed. Meetings held at Utah Valley Community College. “Guy from Provo called me tonight to tell me about how the first meeting of the “Utah Valley Men’s Group-A Social Support and Discussion Group For non-Heterosexual” went. He said 20 people attended the 1^st meeting.  Wonderful. Guy said that he met me last November at a Lesbian and Gay Student Union  meeting last November and that my speech that night on forming Gay groups influenced him to form this group. I know that Wasatch Affirmation, Gay Fathers, Gay Youths, Becky Moss’ Women’s Group, Unconditional Support, The AIDS Quilt, and now this Provo group have directly or indirectly been influenced by God’s Gay Spirit working through me.

27 January 1988-Wednesday

I got a phone mail box system for Unconditional Support from Jeff Norman at work and for the other groups so I don’t have to use my home phone anymore. It’s $15 a month plus a $10 hook up fee.

I was kind of worn down at work today probably from getting to sleep so late last night. After work I went to the Crossroads Urban Center to pick up some money from Michael Ortega the center’s director. He donated his winnings from a poker game last Friday. It was $10 and that was neat. Then I went to the central library to read about the Stonewall Riots and Gay Liberation.  I need to get more active politically to keep Gay Pride going.. Politics = Power.

Afterwards I went to the Deseret Gym where I saw Doug Webb briefly but we didn’t really get to talk. I’ve always liked him from the old Affirmation Days.

I think I want Paul Simons for President. Well who ever I vote for will have to be a Democrat.

I was upset that KRCL preempted our spot for a ten hour Contra-Iran Congressional hearing. I heard they may take our spot next week too I this drags on and on.

I am lonely, horny, frustrated and or all of the above. It was a hazy, foggy wintry day however I have 28 days of abstinence from sugar. Praise God.

28 January 1988 Thursday

Last night, right after midnight, Mark Lamar called and said he was up at the University of Utah’s hospital with no way home. So I said I would come and get him even though I was woken out of a sound sleep.

            It was foggy outside, and I had to get some gas first but that’s what friends are for I suppose. Needless to say I was tired at work all day.

            In the news there was a shoot out at the Singer’s homestead at Kamas. A policeman was kicked and everyone else was captured. Macho, Macho Utah. Crazy fanatical people.

            I went to a “Dynacomp of Utah” meeting  at 4 and had two glasses of wine that was offered. It’s the first drinks I’ve had in a week or more. Then I finally went grocery shopping before driving down to Murray to see Shawn Donnelly and Brent Burch before they move to Denver but they weren’t home so I left them a note saying to be kind to each other and quick to forgive.

            I’m feeling lonely tonight. I would like to have a special someone in my life. I have to trust that the Lord will provide. It was a foggy day today. I will get paid tomorrow.   

29 January 1988 Friday

At work I received a notice from the IRS that I owe them another $500 more from the year 1985. I can’t believe it. It was mostly from Fran underpaying her taxes. I was bummed again thinking I'll never get ahead with the IRS sucking away any extra income I have. Also my paycheck dropped for $497  take home to $477 because of a bigger medical dedication cost for Fran.

            Anyway in the evening I went to Alcoholic Anonymous. The meeting still bummed me out so I don’t think I will go back.

            John reeves came over about 9:30 tonight and we went out to the bars. I bought a membership at Back Street for $5. Nobody was out or maybe it was too early. I was home by midnight and in bed.

30 January 1988 Saturday-

I called Billy Bikowski this morning as I have been so forlorn over him lately. However it is as over between him and me ad Fran and me. It will never be the same.

In the afternoon at 1 I met with David Malmstrom of Affirmation and Chris Brown of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union to discuss issues concerning our 3 groups.  John Reeves and Rocky O’Donovan also attended.

We decided to hold a group dance on Saturday the 29^th as a fund raiser charging $3.00 and splitting the cost among the three of us.  We are checking out Bryant Intermediate, the Unitarian Church, Salt Lake Acting Company, The YWCA, and the Central City Community Center for a permanent location for the dances. 

 We discussed the Fairy Gathering this summer and both Affirmation and the Lesbian and Gay Student Union seemed supportive. Chris Brown also voiced concerns over LGSU Conference  for his year. He’s getting very little support from members and the $400 raised by a Lesbian dance is unaccounted for under the last President of LGSU.

Dave raised his concerns about the Youth Group and we all decided to support it as long as we have some input. We want to make sure it’s a support group and not a youth cruising ground. We have some problems with the legality of including minors in such a group. We are getting together with Garth Chamberlain and the rest tomorrow to express these concerns. We feel that if this youth group is not handled right, it could blow up in our faces and perhaps damage the Gay Community’s image. We are already stereotyped as child molesters and youth recruiters. I say who the hell wants them?

31 January 1988 Sunday-

John Reeves came over to my place at 2 this afternoon to watch videos. He brought his VCR and we watched Harold and Maud. I love that movie and the message behind it. Mark Lamar came over also so we had a nice afternoon watching TV and eating the burritos I made. John then drove Mark home but then they but came back at 6  for a meeting with  Chris Brown President of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union, Dave Malmstrom Director of Wasatch Affirmation, and myself Director of Unconditional Support and Garth Chamberlain, Tim Wanesee, and Bryce who are the primary organizers of the new Youth Group.

We listed our concerns about certain legalities of forming such a group and expressed how we felt the need of an adult advisor in the group from the non Gay community such as a parent, a pastor, or a psychologist.  John Reeves said that he had called Dr. Michael Elliott and he would be happy to be one of the sponsors. 

We also felt the need of a Statement of Purpose from the group and a neutral meeting place other than someone’s home.  The Youth Group representatives agreed to these suggestions and to the changing of the age limit down from 23 years to 21 years.

We then agreed to support the Youth Group and to send them referrals. I said I would met  with them again this Friday.

The meeting lasted until 7 the Dave gave Garth a ride to Affirmation. John Reeves took Mark Lamar and Chris Brown home and Tim and Bryce left on their own. I then went to Affirmation for some reason. I wanted to see Neal Hot the cute kid, who I heard was the activity director now. When I arrived at the Unitarian Church Affirmation the Love Birds performing at a talent show based on the old Gong Show. The Lovebirds were a hoot.  I sat down next to Don Penrose and I was momentarily stunned when Billy Bikowski came in and sat on the back row. His appearance always sucks all the oxygen out of the room for me. I tried to avoid looking at him and just pretended he wasn’t there by fussing over Don and giving all my attention to the show. I didn’t want him to spoil my evening I noticed he left before the meeting was over and I’m not sure when.

After the show, I visited with Dave Malmstrom who said he was glad I came.  I said that he’s bringing a good feeling back to the group.  I also talked to David Sharpton. He wants me to meet with Allan Gundry and I said would but that I would like to have Chris Brown and Dave Malmstrom with me.

I flirted a lot with Neal Hoyt and made a date with him for Friday to see the Lion In Winter as a play.

I didn’t get home until after 10:30 so it was kind of a busy day.

So this is the end of January. This is the first I’ve seen of Billy since last November, I think. It still pains my heart.

What do I want from him? There is absolutely nothing I can do to make him love me. Why isn’t Billy here for me to love, hold, and make cookies for? I don’t think he was too much to have asked for . Serene I fold my hands and wait.

Rocky O’Donovan sure is friendly towards me. He said he approached his Relief Society people about making a quilt panel and they said they would and would teach Affirmation people how to quilt! This AIDS Quilt is going to be big and perhaps a bridge between the Gay and non Gay world.