September 1988

1 September 1988 Thursday

            When back in Salt Lake after work, I called Jeff Sewell to see what he was doing this long Labor Day weekend. Every other word out of his mouth was Derek this or Derek that. I was so disappointed that I just terminated the conversation. What’s the use? I need to just let it go.

            At 6:30 this evening Fran called and said she was bringing her boyfriend Vincent by the place so I had to straighten up the apartment real fast.

I didn’t go to Gay and Lesbian Community Council for the first time in over a year and I might not again.  I don’t much see the point with all my allies leaving. In St. George Orrin hatch was caught on record calling the Democrats the party of homosexuals. The nerve of his fag bashing us. Later he tried to deny that he made such derogatory comments until presented with a recording of his comments.

            Anyway Fran and Vince came over at 7 and I met her new love for the first time. He’s in his late 50’s for sure and kind of overweight but I think he really cares for Fran and that is all that matters to me. I know it probably seemed awkward for him to meet me but Fran wanted him to. She said she signed the divorce papers and wants to file for bankruptcy. I said why not.

            It was good to see Fran again and to visit. She said her mother Lorna Fuchs is in a rest home in Minnesota with a broken leg and isn’t doing well.

            I held Fran as we said our goodbyes. How bitter sweet. I told her about FHP the Family Health Plan my school insurance covers and how she could start using it.

            I went to bed early again, not feeling well.

2 September 1988 Friday

I just tossed and turned all night even waking up at 2:30 in the morning. Thank God it is Friday with a long weekend coming up. I need it so badly.     I thought a lot about Billy Bikowski and Jeff Sewell  while tossing and turning.

            I decided not to let them drive me away from attending Affirmation if I want to go. I’ve decided to just inform them to leave me alone if they come up to say hi to me there.

            Susan McCoy likes to leave early on Fridays from work so thank God I was home by 4 in the afternoon.  I’m sure I’ve caught a cold probably from the kids.

            Mark Lamar came over at 6 this evening and wanted me to go with his to Radio City to have a drink and pick up copies of the Triangle Magazine. So while I wasn't feeling all that great I went with him anyway.

            At the bar, because I hadn’t eaten anything all day I got shit face on two cocktails.  John Pearce, Chip Prince’s lover was there and kept trying to feel me up. I was so drunk I didn’t much care.  Eventually we left the RC and walked down 2^nd South to the In-Between but at 9:30 I finally said to Mark that I wanted to go home and he walked me back to my place because I was so drunk. I hadn’t been this drunk in months and months. I am such a light weight.

            Ken Francis called me tonight and said he loves California even though he hasn’t started his new job yet. I am glad I was able to loan him $70 for his move. I told him just to pay it back when he could.

            I went to bed after 10 and I know I am sick. Ugh!

3 September 1988 Saturday-

I didn’t have a hangover but I felt really lousy  all day from this cold.  I really didn’t do a whole heck of anything except try to straighten up this messy apartment. I did walk down to the Central Library for a little bit. I needed to Xerox some forms for the phone company to keep them from disconnecting my phone because of the bill that Fran owes.

            Other than that I stayed in all evening and watch a little Saturday night television and talked to a bunch of people on the phone but I was in bed by 10:30.

            James Conrad called before I went to bed and we visited some. That was nice. Mark Lamar also called and said he was staying home too because after he left me he went back to Radio City and was picked up by some guy and didn’t get home until early this morning.

Randy Olson said he saw John Bennett at the Gay and Lesbian Community Council last Thursday. He said that John has moved back to Utah because things didn’t pan out for him in California.   Reina Horton from the Youth Group was elected to replace John Reeves as Vice Chair.

I saw Bill Sims yesterday while I was out at the bars and he’s back in Utah from California too. Lots of people move to California but then come back. I used to really like kissing Bill when I first met him a few years ago. He’s still cute but kind of an alcoholic I think.  

            I did try to get a hold of  Mike Buck and Dave Malmstrom to set up a Beyond Stonewall meeting  for tomorrow  but it doesn’t look like it will happen this Sunday.

Randy Olsen called me to tell me about GLCCU. He said he saw John Bennett there and that he has moved back to Utah from California.

            What’s in my head? I’m kind of in the blahs.  September is still a hard month for me. In 1985 I was finally hired by Utah Title but Fran was out of work and we were so broke after spending our savings moving back to Utah. We were living off of Zucchini and peaches that were growing at the house we rented on Roberta Street.

            In 1986 , I fell completely in love with Billy Bikowski  who was putting me through living hell  which continued into 1987. He didn’t love me but wouldn’t let me go either.

            This year I am in tight straights until I get paid in October because teachers only get paid once a month.  If it wasn’t for the $200 that Dave Malmstrom loaned me after he sold his Trans Am, I would be entirely broke. That’s all I have to live on until I get paid for August and September.

            I am not feeling good about myself again. I don’t know why. I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. I should love myself just as I am.

            The article about Beyond Stonewall that was in this month’s Triangle was fun to read. I want to go on a March on Washington again and take the train with Mark Lamar across America. What an adventure that was.

4 September 1988 Sunday

I slept in a lot today trying to get over this miserable cold. I spent a lot of the afternoon correcting a lot of my student’s homework.

            In the evening, mark Lamar called and that he wouldn’t be going to Affirmation with me all, but Randy Olson said he would. I needed the moral support in case I see Jeff Sewell or Billy Bikowski there.

            When we arrived for the pot luck, I took Dave Malmstrom aside to discuss Beyond Stonewall and some other activities like the community dances.  We sat by ourselves in the chapel and when we came back out into the Social hall I saw that Billy was there. I was shaking so much that Randy actually gave me a valium to calm down.  I made sure I sat far away from him and did not look in his direction and he did not try to approach me. It was a good thing for him or I might have gone off on him.

            Jeff Sewell arrived without Derek Streeter and I ignored him too but when he came up to me, I couldn’t be mean to him. He’s just a sweet naïve kid who’s in love with someone other than me. He was feeling sad because Derek went to some meeting where Jeff wasn’t invited. What an insensitive  bastard.

            After the meeting ended, I kicked everyone out of the church so Dave could lock up and go with some of us out for coffee at Dee’s.  I then saw that Jeff was standing outside in the dark and I asked him when he was being picked up. He said as soon as Steve Barker’s other meeting was over but didn’t know when. I said get in the car. You can’t wait here all alone for who knows how long. So we took Jeff to Dee’s with us.

            As it was Steve Barker didn’t come to get him until after midnight so Jeff would have been stranded for several hours waiting alone.

            Anyway, we stayed at Dee’s until they closed and kicked us out. Billy Bikowski was the topic of conversation among the group and that depressed me.

           

5 September 1988 Monday Labor Day

Smoke is heavy in the air from all the fires up Emigration Canyon and what is drifting down from Yellowstone.  It’s been hot for so long that I hardly notice it anymore. It’s been in the mid to high nineties  since the middle of June with just a trace of rain. It’s been just an extremely dry, hot, hot summer.

            I’m not in love so it’s not been a very exciting summer, just the same nagging aching in my heart over Billy Bikowski.

            I didn’t do a heck of a lot today. I just graded more papers and talked to different people over the phone. I was bored mostly. I would have like to have gone to the movies but no buses are running today and I have no car. So alas I just stayed home.

            Steve Barker called in the evening and because I was so desperate to get out of the apartment I went with him to the Blue Mouse on 1^st South and saw “In a Shallow Grave”. It was a strange movie but interesting about a disfigured World War II soldier entrusting another guy to deliver a love letter. Anyway he paid my way so can’t complain.

            We talked briefly about Jeff Sewell and how Derek Streeter didn’t spend much time with Jeff this weekend. I think Steve is more jealous than he lets on about Jeff and Derek but I think it’s mostly over sex. I know he’s not in love with Jeff but cares more about his feelings than Derek does.

6 September 1988-Tuesday

Well it’s back to school and thank goodness it was an early out. After work I came home to rest before attending Unconditional Support.  Eric Vaughn did a lesson on Communication Skills especially Listening Skills. We had about 30 people tonight.  I was in kind of a weird head space tonight and not sure why. Eric did a good job for his first meeting. I didn’t go out for coffee but just went home to bed.

            Tomorrow Mason Rankin is having a demonstration in front of the Federal Building to protests Orrin Hatch’s remarks about Democrats and homosexuals even though Mason is a Republican.

7 September 1988 Wednesday-

            I am in the end of summer, no money and no lover doldrums. Gone are my little Gay family of John Reeves, Ken Francis, Jon Butler, Russ Lane, Mike Anderson, and Mike Howard all who I depended on for emotional support. Only Mark Lamar remains.

            I feel like I am drifting anchorless with “no direction home”. Where is there a final port? Finding a lover is a goal but not the solution to finding value in my life’s work. Is my life of any value?  Am I teaching these children anything that they will take with them for the rest of their lives?

            And the Gay Community. What is that? Is all my efforts of any value> Everyone says “Thank you. Thank You. We love you for Unconditional Support, for the Community Dances, for Beyond Stonewall and yet I never get invited to parties of social gatherings and now no one drops by anymore. Where is everyone?  Curtis Jensen, Garth Chamberlain, and Chris Brown are so young and I am too old for them to relate to me.  Billy Bikowski can go to hell. God am I on the “pity pot” or what!

            There was a rally at noon in front of the Wallace Bennett Federal Building on State Street and 1st South to protest Orin Hatch’s remarks about Democrats and homosexuals.

8 September 1988 Thursday

I am so tired right now. I am still in the doldrums. I went to Gay Fathers because I was bored being at home. I was hoping to meet some new people. Becky Moss was there talking to the group about Lesbian issues. Matt Wilson and John Bush are revitalizing the group.

            The weather was finally cooler today at 85 degrees. Forest fires are still burning up Yellowstone and we are getting smoke all the way down here from them. I heard that the resort at Old Faithful burned down. Well Reagan’s anti-conservation cronies really did it this time. I remember when Reagan was governor of Californian, he allowed the lumber industry to chop down the oldest living Sequoia tree saying “if you’ve seen one tree you’ve seen them all. How many do you need to look at.”  Reagan has a 20 year track record of being anti-ecology. Well my hands are clean because I have never voted for the bastard.

            Mike Anderson called me this evening which was a pleasant surprise. Thumbing through my phone book I realized that I don’t have any close friends to call anymore. Just people I kind of know but not friends.

            I am about ready to let my involvement in the Gay community go. Let someone else fight the fights. I’m tired. I need someone to curl up next to and fall asleep. I want someone with whom to share my life. Go to hell Billy Bikowski.

9 September 1988 Friday

After coming home from Sunset, I had a few messages on my answering machine. Allan Petersen wanted to go out tonight and said he’d come by to pick me up. We went into Bountiful to see where Eric Vaughn had moved because Allan is hooked on him.

            We spent the night talking about Eric and Billy Bikowski which made me very melancholy.

There’s really nothing to write about still. I have such a gloomy attitude, like something bad is going to happen, like a premonition.

10 September 1988 Saturday-

The song Red Red Wine by UB40 is popular on the radio again and I hear it all the time which makes me so melancholy for Billy Bikowski because I used to sing it last year when ever I was drunk and upset over some slight he was always doing.

            So I went down to the liquor store on 4^th South and 2^nd West and bought a bottle of wine and then called Mark Lamar up. I asked him if he wanted to walk with me down to the Deerhunter and he did. He met me on 2^nd West and we walked down to KRCL because I wanted to check on some music for tomorrow’s taping. While we were walking, the other shoe dropped that I had had  a premonition.  He said he was moving back to Indiana for good in about two weeks. I started to cry. I knew this was going to happen. I sensed it.

I can’t explain how I feel why but it’s like everyone who knew me when I first came out of the closet and were there for my struggle to get where I am today are gone. Everyone that I have loved from then has left me or is leaving me. It feels akin to what very old people must feel when everyone they knew and love has died and they are all that is left.

11 September 1988 Sunday

I graded papers and stayed inside for most of the day. A cold front came through the valley and it has turned really chilly.

I  finally was able to get a hold of the New Shakespearean Players who are performing the play Bent so Becky Moss and I could do a program for Concerning Gays and Lesbians on KRCL.

I have a low grade headache.

I would like to hold someone tonight.

12 September 1988 Monday

I came home from school and found that the IRS had put a fucking summons on my doorstep for me to appear the 26^th of September regarding the back taxes they claim I owe.  I was scaring myself because they can basically do anything they want to me.

            Also the law office of Wall and Wall called and wanted me to come in tomorrow to see a judge about the divorce. I said I couldn’t on such short notice.

            Allan Petersen dropped by for a while in the evening. He’s so love sick over Eric Vaughn. He said he’s angry at Billy Bikowski because yesterday at Affirmation, when Allan wanted to be alone with Eric, Billy kept butting in. Poor Allan.

            I had a call from Dave Malmstrom who said he is working day shifts now so we can have our Beyond Stonewall meetings in the evenings. Good. Maybe he will also be able to come to Unconditional Support.

            Randy Olson said that Lorraine from the YMCA said that John Reeves only signed the check for Camp Rogers without either having Mike Buck or I co sign it . So I need to get that straighten out immediately.

13 September 1988 Tuesday

Allan Petersen did his first Unconditional Support meeting on the topic of “Depression”  We had a good turnout. Mike Anderson and so did Steve Barker with a new boyfriend. He tried to badger me into coming to Jeff Sewell’s birthday party this Friday but I said I was not going to be there. All Jeff cares about is Derek Sewell so if Derek is there it won’t matter who else might be there, certainly not me.

            I went out to coffee after the meeting at Dee’s for just a little bit. The Salt Lake Men’s Choir was back at Dee’s in full force so the place was packed with us fags. I am sorry but I don’t like them very much. Too piss elegant for my tastes.

            John Reeves called and said that he’s back in Boston staying with his son and daughter in law. He hadn’t found a teaching job yet but is working as a night security guard. He said that I might have to file bankruptcy to get some protection from the IRS.

14 September 1988 Wednesday

It was downright cool today but not as cold as yesterday when it finally rained a little. Susan McCoy picked me up at 6:45 this morning and I didn’t get home until 6:15 this evening.

            Mr. Birrell asked if we would pick up some tickets for him at the Salt Palace for the Ice Capades.  My class played his class today in P.E. and we won. No biggy but the kids were all excited because his class is suppose to be so tough.

            Allan Peterson came over this evening to visit.  He said he’s moving from Layton to Bountiful where he found an apartment.  I think he’s moving just to be closer to Eric Vaughn because he is so in love with him.  

15 September 1988 Thursday

Mark is giving up his apartment because he’s moving back to Indiana and wants to stay with me until next Wednesday. I didn’t go anywhere after coming home from school but just stayed home and watched television while grading papers. I gave three tests today and tomorrow is our 6^th Grade Field Trip.
            Mark brought over a pizza for supper and that was yummy.

16 September 1988 Friday

Today is Jeff Sewell’s 18^th birthday and now he’s legal not that it stopped some people. What a hectic day as I was up at 6 this morning to get ready for school. At 6:20 Susan McCoy called and said that her alarm didn’t go off and she was running late. So we didn’t leave Salt Lake until 7:10. Then at the Hill Air Force exit in Sunset the transmission in her truck went out. I pushed the truck to the side and fortunately another teacher from Sunset was behind us and saw our predicament. She gave us a ride to school but poor Susan was going nuts because of running late, the truck breaking down, and it being our field trip day.

            Well things worked out well for the field trip. I had 6 mothers coming along for the field trip and I took Jeremiah Kite, Robert Harden, Brody Kendall, Joey Heinbach, and Justin Wiberg along with me because they are “the pack” and would be the most apt to get into trouble.

            I’d never been to the Utah State Fair before and it was interesting seeing the livestock, and the other exhibits. I think the kids all had a good time even if they wasted money on the Carnival games. Be that as it may, we were back in Sunset by 2 in the afternoon. The ride on the bus was not too bizarre but the kids were very hyper back at school and I had to get after them. 

            Well I didn’t have a way back to Salt Lake except for taking the bus or calling Steve Barker. He had left his number with the office which kind of made me mad as I didn’t want any connection between my Gay world and my work world but it all worked out.

            I called him and he promised to come get me if I’d come to Jeff Sewell’s party and get me home by 7:30 so I could go get the community dance ready. He said there would be lots of new people to meet at the party and lots of food so I agreed.

            Anyway to make it short only Derek Streeter, Steve Barker, Davyd Daniels, Darryl, Bryan, and John Terrill were there. Jeff and Derek of course were a couple as was Steve and Davyd. Darryl and Bryan were crazy so that left only John and I to visit.  I absolutely hated being there. I said Happy Birthday to Jeff but after that I ignored him and Derek. I am sorry that I’m not a Saint and seeing Jeff and Derek together still hurts.

            Jeff and I were supposed to be together on his 18^th birthday not Derek. I am never ever going to get involved with Virgos again. My sign must be totally incompatible  with them and Billy Bikowski is a fucking Scorpio but I should avoid anyone born in September.

            Anyway I talked John into leaving because he was miserable too and he agreed to take me down to Salt Lake. At the apartment Dave Malmstrom left a message saying that he could not make it tonight because of work so the dance tonight was totally my baby. The Lesbian and Gay Student Union  is not meeting until October so I am on my own.

Mark Lamar walked with me down to the Central City Community Center to set the dance up. Allan Petersen and Randy Olsen showed up too late to be of any help and Eric Vaughn never showed up at all. Randy brought a check from the Beyond Stonewall Account for me to sign for the YMCA. He finally got it from Mike Buck so that is at least taken care.

Anyway it was a very small dance may be 30 people and we only made $75,  fifty of which we will need for the next dance. I gave Richard Morris $10 for doing the music.

Anyway I did a slow burn about how Derek was treating Jeff. Here it was Jeff’s 18^th birthday and Derek was flirting around, dancing with everyone, leaving Jeff to fend for himself. Jeff should have been the belle of the ball but wasn’t I stayed out of it except seeing the way he was treating Jeff, I can’t stand him anymore. The dance lasted until midnight.

I was rather tired but Randy wanted me to go to Bandaloops on 3^rd South and 2nd West for coffee after the dance. A good time was not had by all. Jeff and Derek were already there with Steve Barker and his new lover Davyd Daniels the numerology nut.  I continued to ignore Jeff by sitting with Randy inside the building while the rest of them were outside on the sidewalk.

Randy then remarked saying that one of the characteristics he doesn’t like about me s how I ostracize people. I said right back that I wasn’t a phony and am upfront about my feelings. If I like someone, they know it. If I don’t they know it too. I hate Utah’s passive aggression culture.

17 September 1988 Saturday

I slept in until 9 this morning and when I did get up, I changed my living room around. I needed a change. If not a change of apartments  at least the way it looks.

            In the afternoon I told Mark Lamar I would come over to his place and help him pack. However we first went to Memory Grove where we walked around for about 2 hours to enjoy the last vestiges of summer because it was such a beautiful and warm day. Some of the leaves are turning but it’s not autumn yet. I hadn’t been to the Grove in months and it was nice being out with Mark, perhaps for the last time.

            Well back at Mark’s place on 1^st South and 3^rd East, it took us at least 4 hours to box everything up. Randy  Olson told Mark he would help move it all over to my place in his car where Mark will be staying until he leaves next week. Mark will UPS his boxes from my place back to Indiana.

            In the evening Mark and I took a taxi down to the SUN where I drank Salty Dogs all night. I wanted to get drunk and spend one last night out with Mark. From the SUN we hit all the bars on 2^nd South and 5^th West. At Backstreet I met an interesting man named Kurt who wanted to talk to me about the Triangle Magazine but I was out with Mark and wanted to be just with him.

            So we left Backstreet and walked back to the SUN so we could dance a little. There I saw Mike Anderson who had broken up with another boyfriend and James Conrad who is dating Ken Bruck, a friend of Ken Francis.

            At midnight Mark and I had quite enough and we took another taxi back to the Juel Apartments. It cost about $5 to take a taxi from the bars to home but the weather had turned to chilly to walk and we also were too drunk.

            Mark spent the night passed out on the couch while I slept in my own bed.

18 September 1988 Sunday-

I slept in until 9:30 this morning from being out late last night drinking. In the afternoon Ken Sargent  helped Mark Lamar and I moved from his place to mine.  Mark gave me all his pots and pans, dishes, and food he can’t take with him. That will help out until I can get paid.

            Today is Randy Olson’s birthday. He says he’s 37 but I think he’s older.  Who cares? I love my age.  Randy came over during the tail end of us moving so he wasn’t of much help. In the evening he wanted to go to Affirmation. Becky Moss called and said that she was going to tape the next two shows tonight so I needn’t come in and I could take a little break from Concerning Gays and Lesbians. That was really sweet of her.

At 8 this evening Randy showed up to go to Affirmation. I was somewhat miffed because he is always late to everything.  Billy Bikowski wasn’t at the meeting but Derek Streeter and Jeff Sewell were. I need to redirect my energy and be happy for them.

 Glen Camomile led a rap group on Co Dependent Relationships. It was pretty good. Russ Lane actually came tonight but he seemed really out of it. I wonder what is up with him?

Dave Malmstrom had to work and Affirmation seems to be drifting. There’s no Oomph! No life. No Fun. No Camaraderie, No common cause.

I was home and in bed by 9:30 tonight because I have to get up early for work tomorrow,

It was cooler today especially long pants weather.

19 September 1988 Monday-

It’s my Grandpa Johnson’s 87^th birthday and I feel really bad that I didn’t send him a card. I can’t let the week go without sending him one to let him know I’m thinking of him.

            I was up at 5:20 this morning to get ready to be picked up by Susan and her husband Floyd McCoy who had to take us while Susan’s truck is in the shop. Susan is married to a black man which why I think she is so cool.

            It was pitch black out when we left Salt Lake City for Sunset because Floyd had to be at his own job back here. School went well. The classroom is finally cooling down which helps. It was an early out for the kids at 1:30 in the afternoon and Susan and I stayed until 3:30 doing lesson plans for the week. Susan had to stay to be picked up by Floyd so I just took the Ogden bus home.

            There I had a letter from John Reeves saying that he’s in Boston after staying two weeks in Washington D.C. with Val Holley.  He still is trying to get a job in D.C. and it would be great if he did because Mark Lamar and I have made plans to see Washington together again next summer.

In the evening Randy Olsen and I went to the Lesbian and Gay Student Union  in Orson Spencer Hall but no one showed so I guess they aren’t meeting yet.  

20 September 1988 Tuesday-

            I was up again at 5:20 this morning to make it to work on time. In Sunset it rained off and on and we had indoor recesses. I had the kids play “Heads Up Seven Up”.  Ron Birrell said he’d take Susan and I back into Salt Lake as that he was going there anyway.  First we had to stop in Clearfield where I had to get a mandatory Tuberculosis test. The results will be ready a week from Tuesday.

            Yesterday I made cupcakes for Unconditional Support but didn’t frost them until today before going to the meeting. We had a large turnout, perhaps 30 people or more.

Chris Brown is finally back in town and came to Unconditional Support. It was good seeing him again. A friendly face.

I led the meeting on the topic of Community, Family, and Gay Obligations, because it seems lately so many have no feeling of commitment or loyalty to other Gay people’s liberation. So many act like “What’s in it for me?” Liberation is a word they don’t care to hear!

Mark Lamar said that he felt that everything we have today is due to the work of activists and the rest of you are living on gravy. It’s a message that made some mad but it’s true.  

It was an interesting meeting and most of the guys who were still not out of the closet were the ones having trouble with being labeled “Gay”. They kept referring to themselves as “human beings” but that is just a form of homophobia.

I went out for coffee at Dee’s with the group, briefly, as I had to be up early in the morning. Mark stayed later and when he came in at 10:15, we sat and talked for a little while. Then I began to weep because all my “family” is leaving and I am having this “empty nest”  syndrome. Besides who is going to hold me and comfort me when I cry over Billy Bikowski now? No one will be here to remember Billy and I together.

21 September 1988 Wednesday-

It’s the last day of summer and Mark Lamar left Utah this morning for Indiana. The play is over.  It rained in the evening to fit my mood.

            Susan McCoy’s truck is fixed so I am back to riding up and back with her again.

22 September 1988 Thursday

It’s the first full day of Autumn and the weather has cooled off considerably after a long hot summer.

            At work it was the PTA’s Back to School so I had to stay late this evening talking to my student’s parents about class procedures and the curriculum for 6^th Grade. It was good to see which parents showed up and which one’s didn’t.

            After getting home after 8 tonight, I had a call from John Reeves n Boston. He said he is almost certain he will get a job in Washington DC in Extension Services whatever that is. Right now he’s working as a night security person for $7 an hour as a temporary job.  He said it’s wonderful to be back in Boston although he misses us in Utah.

            I was in bed by 10:15 and I thought that Mark should be back in Indiana by now. I miss all of my friends who have left me behind.  Mike Anderson is such a shit to have cut me out of his life after all we’ve been through together. I miss him too. Maybe we can get close again. Who knows?

23 September 1988 Friday

At work we are having some trouble with 6^th grade girls in all three of our classes.  They are running in packs being mean to the other kids so we will have to split them up.

            In the evening Allan Petersen called and wanted us to go out tonight. I said okay and he said he would be come at 7:30 but didn’t show up until almost 9. That was upsetting. Why can’t people be on time?

            I suggested going to a show but Allan didn’t want to. It was a dud of an evening.  I want to get drunk.

24 September 1988 Saturday

It was beautiful out but I didn’t do much of anything except clean the place up. I did walk to Memory Grove where I met someone there on the trail and we went up into the bushes. He was pleasant but he made me realize how much I miss Billy.

            Then I walked to the downtown post office where I found some mail in the P.O. Box for John Reeves and Ken Francis. Ken owes on his phone bill and since I had co-signed for him, I hope he will take care of it or I will get stuck paying it.

            While out I bought a birthday card for Billy Bikowski because his 27^th birthday is on the 28^th. I want to either give it to him at Affirmation or to Erick Meyers who Billy is now staying with.

            I looked for my address book when I came home but could not find it. I know it has to be here somewhere but it’s frustrating because I need it to get Ken and John’s addresses so I can forward mail to them.

            The rent on the Beyond Stonewall P.O. Box is due so I called Mike Buck to have him bring a check over tomorrow so I can pay it. I called Dave Malmstrom up so we could visit but he must have been at work all day. 

            In the evening, I just stayed home and watched some television, I thought about going out but I was just too tired from all the walking I did today. I wanted to go see the play Bent but I have no money.

           

25 September 1988 Sunday-

Mark Lamar called me from Indiana saying he’s settled in and everything he shipped made it all right back there. He sounded happy.

Dave Malmstrom returned my call and I told him that I would be at Affirmation this evening and also we made plans to go see “Bent” together next Saturday.

I made a lot of phone calls today to touch base s with people. I called Beau Chaine, James Connelley, David Sharpton,  and Eric Christensen as well as others who weren’t at home. David Sharpton said he’s kicking Rob Ivey out come this January.

Mike Buck didn’t show up or call at all today about bringing me the check I need to pay the P.O. Box . I am really disappointed in him.

Eric came over in the late afternoon for a visit. He said that the medicine he is on now seems to be working a lot and is controlling his Manic Depression.  He’s bi-polar mania depressive like Billy Bikowski  and both are exquisite artists. How the truly gifted suffer.

I went to Affirmation tonight where we told humorous stories about the joys of being Gay. The meeting was very positive and reaffirming. Several new people attended.

Interestingly Chuck Thomas and Russ Lane didn’t come together. I think there is trouble in paradise.  Russ mentioned that he heard that the Restoration Church held its bi-annual conference in Southern California today and  Bob McIntier was sustained as President of the church now.  It doesn’t mean a thing to me anymore.

Allan Petersen was being pouty because I wasn't giving him all my attention. Finally I said to him, “Poor baby, do you need a hug? Are you feeling in secure?” That made him smile. Allan said that Derek Streeter, Jeff Sewell, and he went to see “Bent” last night. That kind of bothered me. Not that I would have wanted to go with Derek and Jeff but Allan could have asked me if I wanted to go.

I didn’t see Billy Bikowski at Affirmation at first, just Erick Meyers. I asked him whether Billy still worked for him and he said just occasionally. So I asked that if Billy doesn’t show up tonight, would he give my birthday card to him and he said certainly.

Anyway, Chris Brown was also at Affirmation so I sat with him to hear the latest gossip. When the meeting was almost over I noticed Billy lurking in the foyer. I then got up and gave him the birthday card but didn’t say a word to him other than “here, Bill.”

I spent most of the time after the meeting, visiting with people I don’t usually get to see anymore.

There was a very bizarre young man at the meeting tonight named Charles who announced that he is starting a group for Gays who don’t want to be gay. I really wanted to rip into him but held my peace. It will come to naught because anyone attending it would be so fucked up that it will implode in on itself. 

Anyway I then noticed that Billy had gone off with Eric Christensen who had given me a ride so I didn’t have a ride home. So David Sharpton, Chris Brown, and I decided to leave and go to coffee at Denny’s.  I walked over to Eric’s car to see if he was there to tell him of my plans and I saw Billy sitting there in the car with him. I couldn’t take my eyes off him and his eyes caught mine. I began to dissolve into a mist of memories of Billy and me. I didn’t want to make myself ill like last summer so I just left with David.

At Denny’s Billy shows up with Eric. I yielded to my feelings for my beloved woodcarver.  While conversations swirled around me I heard and saw nothing but his incredibly rich laughter and his sparking blue eyes.

I knew I was a fool. I knew it was hopeless. But he was my Lazarus come back from the dead.

I stayed at Dennys until after 11. As I was leaving Billy stopped and said “I’ll call soon.”  I think not. I am fine and strong. I just needed to see him because it is his birthday. I think I can release him to fly away like his magnificent eagle unless like it he too is made of wood.

I was in bed by 11:30.

26 September 1988-Monday-

I had to have a substitute today because my appointment with the IRS was at 10 this morning with a gal named “Traveler Nicosia” . Interesting name. She was fairly decent for an IRS officer. I thought of Fran having been hired briefly by the IRS and thought they all can’t be bastards.

Anyway she worked out a payroll deduction plan where they would take $113 a month to pay off the back taxes of $1,400 that the interest had accrued over the last six years. Oh well. Better than taking everything I make.

I had to take a bus to the district’s payroll office in Farmington to set up the deduction but other than that everything worked out although it was quite anxiety producing.

In the evening I was supposed to go out on a date with someone from Man 2 Man but I was stood up. So when Chuck Whyte called to remind me about his going to the Utah Valley Men’s Group to be on a panel, I jumped at the chance.

I rode down with Jim Hunsaker, his boyfriend Karl, Chuck Whyte,  and John Peterson, Ben Barr’s cute boyfriend.

Anyway, Derek Streeter led the meeting which met at a civic building. They can’t meet at Utah Valley Community College since John Reeves left as they haven’t been able to find a faculty sponsor.

I was pretty vocal about Gay Liberation, Activism, and Self Empowerment. I told them that they should stop seeking approval from the oppressors.  I really enjoyed being with John Peterson and back in Salt Lake we went to Denny’s for coffee because the members of the Lesbian and Gay Student Union  were there.

As I was paying the bill and getting ready to leave, behind me a little voice pipes up saying, “Hi, Mr. Williams!” I turned around and saw my student  Troy Headley who was with his Mom and Dad. I was running around in shorts wearing a red sweat shirt and thought “Oh Gawd!”  However I just smiled and said “hello Troy” in my best teacher’s voice  and left. I was slightly embarrassed. Why? I guess some remnant of internal homophobia I must still have and worried what the parents might have thought how I was dressed. It was kind of funny though.

27 September 1988 Tuesday-

Today was a sad yet liberating day. I had to be in court at 8:30 this morning before Judge Bryan for my divorce hearing so I had to take off from school again.  I was told by my lawyer that this was just a preliminary hearing and that my divorce would become final sometime later but this was not the case.

            When I went before the divorce court judge I was sworn in to tell the truth. I was asked what were the irreconcilable differences between my wife and me. I replied “I am a Gay man”. The Judge looked surprised and decreed that the divorce was final today.  I don’t know for sure but I felt like my being honest about being Gay caused the judge to decree a speedy and prompt detachment from Fran but I was sad and weepy all day. I didn’t think the divorce would affect me as hard as it did and I was melancholy that Fran was divorced and didn’t even know it yet.

            I felt so bad about the proceedings because there were no one here anymore that I could call and really talk to about how emotional this was for me.

I was sort of in a daze at Unconditional Support this evening. I made chocolate chip and oatmeal cookies for the meeting. Eric Vaughn was a no show and kind of figured that he might so I conducted the meeting while Darrell Webber led the topic of Gay Violence.  The meeting was good therapy for a lot of people who really opened up about the violence directed against us as Gay people from outward and inward sources. Darryl Webber recounted how he was ripped off of $1,400 by the same crook posing as a Gay man who victimized Lon Wright last summer.  It was good for him to talk about it.

But it was Steven the little Leather boy who really opened up and cried when relating how he was raped when he was first coming out when he was 18 years old. He sobbed, “I wished it was only  money that I lost. I almost went back into the closet for good!” Some real heavy shit came out in the meeting. Tonight I really felt like Unconditional Support truly served one of its primary purposes.

Before the meeting I saw Mike Pipkin and he and I went into the Crossroad’s kitchen where I cried in his arms about the divorce. So few knew me from the time Fran and I were married. I just needed the comfort of someone who had known when Fran and I were together.

When the meeting was nearly over, Mike passed me a note saying that Billy Bikowski was here. A an instinctive reaction, I got up and immediately went to him. As far as I was concerned, the meeting was over for me. Billy, my love, was here.

While others went off to Dee’s, Billy and I went to my apartment where I fed him some corn chowder I had made earlier. We talked and I asked him if he missed me at all because I missed being with him so much.  He said he hadn’t missed me at all. I believed him. I looked at this sweet man and thought “Am I still in love with you or are you just a habit I can’t break?”  I wonder.

When Billy left, I didn’t cry. I just felt empty. It’s a feeling that is so familiar. I know Billy is a strong person and he will survive just fine without me.

28 September 1988 Wednesday

It’s Billy Bikowski’s 27^th birthday. When I returned to school, I had a ton of papers to correct  from having substitutes for Monday and Tuesday. The kids were all glad to have me back so was nice.

            After school let out we had a faculty meeting that didn’t last long and since Susan McCoy wanted to leave early for a change, I was home by 4:30 this afternoon.  I just stayed home and graded papers.

            Mom called me this evening and said they were finally moved into their new house in Victorville. They had stayed with my Uncle and Aunt Milton and Marie for three weeks after returning from Texas.

            The weather is still warm at 80 degrees but it feels very much like an Indian Summer Autumn like day.

29 September 1988 Thursday-

After coming home from Sunset, I went to Gay Fathers in the evening to see if I could get a hold of Mike Buck our treasurer for Beyond Stonewall.  I‘ve got to get some money from him for our PO box rent which is due tomorrow. There was a pretty good turnout at Gay Fathers with about 15 people there. We met upstairs at Crossroads. Glen Camomile led the meeting on and gave another lesson co dependency.  

            Kevin McCloskey was at the meeting and he gave me his phone number saying he wants to get to know me. So maybe we will start dating.

            Fran called me today and I told her that our divorce was finalized on Tuesday. She was back in Minnesota because her mother had died on Tuesday the 27^th also, Lorna Fuchs was 81 years old and died from cancer. Fran said she and Vince were doing well and for that I am glad.

30 September 1988 Friday

Here it is the last day of September and it’s a beautiful fall day. I finally got paid today my first paycheck as a teacher. I saw that the IRS did take out $113 but I guess it’s just as well that it is deducted so I just don’t see the money in the first place. I cleared $1200 but only because of the extra days from working in August. I’ll probably only be bringing home $900 a month but I can live on that I hope.

            In the evening I just stayed home and wrote out checks for bills I haven’t been able to pay. I owe so much that if I am lucky I will have about $200 to live on until my next payday.

            Midterm grades are due on Monday already so I’ve taken my grade book home to start figuring up my students grades from all the grades I have put in for each of their assignments.

            Well here’s some reflections for September. It was a very difficult  month in many ways; starting a new job, Billy Bikowski’s birthday, the IRS, my divorce, having no money to live on. Thank God for food stamps and the $200 I borrowed from Dave Malmstrom.          Mark Lamar left for Indiana too so it has been rather lonely for me in many ways.

            I just feel like my life is in transition again with “no direction home.”  However I know that a month from now I probably will have all new friends and perhaps a new place to live.

            Weather-wise it’s been a beautiful month. September usually is as it’s a transition month from Summer to Autumn.

            I wrote this letter to Billy but doubt if I will send it as it won’t make any difference to him.

            Dear Billy, I’m not sure why I feel like I have to talk to you but I do. I wasn’t you to know I love you still. I will always love you. Not a single day goes by that I don’t think of you and hope that you are well.

            Billy I need you. I need your love. Your presence. Your touch. I am so empty without you to hold, to pet, to stroke, to adore and I do adore you. God help me but after two years I still do.

            Is there any way we can ever be together? No one will ever love you as I have and do. Anything can be forgiven and forgotten. We could start new and put the past behind us. My love can make you happy if you would let it.

            Billy don’t you miss me at all? Was I so little to you/ I can’t believe that. You once said to me that you were afraid to lose me because I might be the best thing that might happen to you. Billy, I am the best thing in this world, male or female for you. No one will ever love you like I do. No one. No one wants you to be as happy as I do.

            Billy come back to me. But if you don’t it won’t be the end of the world for either of us but you will have thrown away so much happiness. You can’t even imagine what you will have lost. But as you grown older you will find that no one will ever love you as I do. Don’t throw away what we have. Life is much too short.

            Talk to me. How can you stand not to talk to me?  One who loved your voice as much as I do? Who has loved more than me laying in your arms and listening to your sweet voice?

            Billy I need to hear from you. I need to know that you aren’t going to leave me anymore. If you are always going to leave me for someone else don’t answer this letter. Throw it away. Don’t come to me if we happen to meet at various places and  don’t even look at me. Because of my obligations within the community, I have to be at certain places. If you don’t want to be with me, don’t come up and inquire how I am. Because I will be a stone. If I can’t have your love, don’t try to be my friend. It’s impossible.

            For my sanity, I will sweep you from my reality. I know you will understand why.

Billy, I do love you. I will always love you. Please love me too.  Ben.